Ex-Cruciating

Six years. That's how long it has been since I've kissed his lips. Six years. Well, almost. May will be six years. That's only three months away so I'm rounding. Forgive me. I can't remember what his kisses felt like. I can't recall the feeling of his hands on my skin. I can't even remember what his voice sounds like. No... no, actually I can. When I really focus, I can still hear the way he says my name. And I crave to hear it again. 

I could call him right now and beg him to say it. I could spend ten minutes telling him how much I miss him. I could even hop in my car, drive to his door, and knock until he opens the door for me. I'm sure he would open the door and welcome me in. Why don't I? Well...

There's a small formality. Like the fact that I'm one year into a marriage to someone else.

Yep, you read that correctly. What's my problem? I'm still trying to figure that out. The internet only shows people who are in the same boat, it doesn't offer any kind of solution.

PreNaNoWriMo -- Tomorrow!

   I seriously can't believe today is the last day of September. Tomorrow is the start of fall in the hearts of us all and there's so much to do - and so little time! Pumpkin picking, pumpkin carving

PreNaNoWriMo

     Slowly but surely, the temperature is dropping, the leaves are changing, the days are shortening, and fall is underway. It's about time. I can't wait for the day when I can leave work and walk out to my car and not sweat incessantly by the time I climb into my car. It'd be nice to not have to desperately crank the A.C. and slowly hate absolutely everything for the first five minutes while the cool takes over. I've always really liked fall, for more reasons than pumpkin spice lattes and Halloween. Mostly, it's because of the memories. In seventh grade, I discovered a guy who I thought was the most perfect human being on the planet and I spent all of September and October hung up on him. In ninth grade, I had finally arrived in life, after years and years of blending in or standing out for all the wrong reasons and I was asked to the Homecoming dance. In tenth grade, I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend and the fall months were our Honeymoon months. Junior year, the same exact thing happened, I fell in love during the fall. And then finally, senior year, I finally got my life together to focus on my future (even though it didn't last long, see Boyfriends, Babies, and Broken Heat). The fall after my senior year are where some of the best memories with my husband-to-be come from and when that time of year comes around, I can't help but be super calm and serene with the weather and the memories.
     As if I needed another reason to absolutely love fall, NaNoWriMo is in the near future. I've had some failed attempts in the past with NaNoWriMo but I am ready for 2016 to be the year that I redeem myself. The first year I'd ever even heard of it, I was sixteen and taking a creative writing class in high school. Needless to say, my nights after school were spent sitting in my car in the field behind my then-boyfriend's house - when I should've been hard at work adding to my word count. The only attempt I was making toward my 50,000 word goal was five days a week, the hour and a half of class that was allotted to us. Sadly, I finished with a measly word count of under 12,000.
     However, this is a brand new year. I invested in a brand new computer, top of the line. It was originally $1400 and I was able to only pay about $300, after discounts and gift cards. For the first time, I have a laptop that can go with me wherever I want. It fits right into my handbag and the battery life is long-lasting. I actually partly feel like the main character in a book series I used to read, named Madison Finn. I can devote an hour a day to writing during the work day, if I spend both of my fifteen minute breaks and half hour lunch plugging away. Then, I can spend endless time each evening adding to it. In order to make goal, two thousand words a day will get me there, and then some. I just need to figure out a good plot I can stick with. The other issue with NaNoWriMo of 2011, I had no idea where to go with my storyline. And I paid too close attention to little details, like class schedules and maps of the town. I think what I should be doing now until the end of October is building a story line and then filling in all the little details, like the town map and whatever else I might need. I need to be geared up to start putting words onto document on November 1st and then have the fuel to keep on going without stopping.
     Now... here comes the hardest part. I have a whole bunch of notes on my iPhone about storylines, potential events, potential plot twists, and character backgrounds. However, none of it can be tied together to be one 50,000 word best-seller. It's going to be the absolute hardest part to get everything started. However, I stumbled upon contact information for Laura Dower, the author of From the Files of Madison Finn and she does creative writing workshops. I think it'd be neat to get some of my writing friends together and have her come to town to do a workshop (depending on cost, of course). I'd love to learn from here. I'd also love to learn from Sarah Dessen. I just started reading the last book in my checklist of books that she's written. Her next one doesn't come out until summer of 2017.
     So, anyways, after practicing for NaNoWriMo today, I spent both of my fifteen minute breaks and my half hour lunch break working on a word document, not really writing anything specific, just keeping a word count up. It wasn't easy. However, I made the daily minimum word count just during those breaks. I more than made the word count, I did extra. On average, a person should type about 1,667 words a day to keep up with the 50,000 final word goal. Currently, on a document I created this morning at work, my word count is 2,108. And I haven't even touched the document in my free time. It won't be easy. I'll have to clean out my handbag because carrying all the stuff in it that I do right now is making it really heavy, so I need to get rid of things I don't need so I have enough room for my laptop. Also, it's going to mean spending all my free time at work still on a computer - which I already spend eight hours a day. I'll have to take some free time right after work and take walks outside just to get some fresh air. That's really important to the creative writing process. And, just to see if I can do it, just to make sure I've had enough practice, I'm having my own PreNaNoWriMo. That's right. The month of October belongs to me.

End of September

     The sun had gone down at least an hour before and walking along the side of the road was both creepy and serene. After being on the worst date of my life, some serial killer jumping out of the woods at me really wouldn't be much of a surprise. After all, I really wasn't expecting the cute guy from the auto parts store to be such a weirdo. How weird, you might ask? Well, at the very end of the night, I jumped out of his truck while he was sitting at the last stop sign closest to my dad's campsite so he wouldn't know where I actually am. Well, the dating life didn't last long.
     The gravel under my flip flops crunches with each step. Passing under a street light, I look down at my outfit. Destroyed jeans cuffed into capris and my favorite old t-shirt with a Corona logo on the front, stretched and hanging off one shoulder. I'd spent so much time applying and touching up my makeup that I didn't have time to worry about my hair or outfit. I run a hand through my hair, my thick blonde waves stretching down my back, and give it a flip, exposing my bare shoulder. Up ahead, I can start to see lights and hear music, indicating I'm getting close to the campground. I debate whether or not to put in my headphones and play some music to take away some of the creepiness of walking along the tree line in the dark. Before I can come up with a solution, I hear a golf cart coming closer and realize I'm near one of the lanes up to camp sites. I slow down, unsure where the lane will meet the road and before long, a golf cart appears with another one close behind it. No doubt it's probably a family on their way over to the recreational area, where something is always happening on Saturday nights. Their lights nearly blind me as I come to a stop and wait for them to cross the road. I recognize one of the voices and then I'm thankful it's dark out so no one will see me blush. I partially hope it's dark enough that he doesn't recognize who I am so I have less chance of being so nervous I stutter sound like an idiot. Of course I don't take into account how weird it must be that a girl is walking along the road after dark until the whole family looks at me strange. His mom, sitting on the first cart with his dad, is the first to speak.
     "Honey, are you okay? You shouldn't be walking after dark by yourself." Her concern is so genuine.
     "I'm okay, thanks for asking, I'm actually almost to my dad's site."
     I try to disguise my voice so he doesn't know it's me but as soon as I speak, I see his head turn. However, his dad speaks first.
     "You're John's girl, aren't you? He's probably over at the cornhole tournament, which is where we're heading. Would you like a ride?"
     "I really appreciate the offer but I think I'm just going to walk. It's such a nice night out."
     I wait for them to take off and leave me behind. His mom and dad both glance back toward him and he nods. Something tells me they aren't just going to let me go. He turns around and faces the front of the golf cart he's riding in. I brace myself for his voice and get myself ready to sound somewhat intelligent when I'm expected to reply.
     "So why are you out here on this side of the sites so late, anyway?"
     "Oh... well... it's kind of a long story."
     He jumps off the back of his brother's cart and walks over to me. In the moonlight, I can make out his striking facial features, the ones that made me head over heels at the first sight of him.
     "You guys go ahead," he says to his family and then turns back to me, "I'll walk with you and you can tell me this long story. I'm curious."
     His dad gives me a wave and then they cross the road over to the cart path that leads to the courts where the tournament is being held under bright lights and thick tension. I wave back as they're too far away to be seen in the dark. I cross the road after them, deciding the cart path would be safer than the road. A few steps later, it all begins.
     "So, you just take eerie walks for exercise?" he asks.
     "Well... not quite. I'm actually just back from one of the worst date of my life. And, trust me, that's saying something."
     He nods his head, considering my words. Lights from a nearby site illuminate us and I can feel the redness creeping into my cheeks as he looks down at me. I tell myself not to look at him because I always have the worst time making myself look away because he's just so gorgeous. Nearby, some kids are trying to catch lightning bugs in mason jars.
     "How bad was it?" he asks, "The date, that is."
     "Oh... it was... something. Let me just say, though, it ended with him stopping at a stop sign and me jumping out of his truck and walking the rest of the way so he wouldn't know where to find me in the future."
     "It couldn't have been that bad. I mean, you thought he was okay enough to go out with in the first place, right?"
     "Well, I agreed because he was so nice when I went into Auto Zone to get my car battery tested. He filled me in on how to take care of my battery and common things people do that hurt their batteries. I thought he was smart and sweet. Little did I know it's because no female creatures ever talk to him on purpose. Ever. Which is why he wanted to get married and name our first daughter after his mother."
      "Whoa what? Are you serious?" Luke laughs.
     "I couldn't make this up if I tried."
     "Wait, so where did you go? Were you like sitting in a booth, eating dinner, and he just springs all that on you?"
     "Not even. We went to some night swim at one of the local pools in the area. I'll be honest, it was kind of nice and relaxing at first. We got to watch the sunset and we were just floating on inner tubes, half in the water and half out. The conversation was light, mostly just an unspoken game of twenty questions. It was a really great date at first. I was starting to think maybe dating wasn't such a bad thing. But then the sun had set and we were floating in the dark with just the lights from the pool and snack bar. I guess that's when he turned into a freak and started to talk about me and getting serious."
     By now, the cheers from the cornhole tournament sound close and I know we're almost there. I don't want this walk to end. For two years, I've had the biggest crush on Luke but I only ever get to see him over the summers when the campground is open. Even then, I have to struggle through the work week, counting down the minutes until the weekend until I can head up to the campground just to ride around in the golf cart, hoping to casually bump into him.
     "So... What happened with you and Wes? Last I heard, you two were engaged and waiting to get married. Now all the sudden you're going out on dates with lonely mechanics?"
     I look down at my feet and take a deep breath. I've explained the cover story to anyone who ever asked. It's been three months and the only time I've ever told the truth is when I wrote it in my journal as it happened. It's just that I never wanted anyone to know what actually happened because I didn't want people to hate Wes. While I could one day forgive him and potentially rekindle our relationship, my friends and family wouldn't be so quick to forget. I've just been sticking to the story that we mutually need to take some time apart to work on ourselves and see where life leads us. I don't know what Wes has been telling people but I advised him what I would be saying. He said I didn't have to lie and cover for him. Well, at the time, my love was still burning strong for him and I'd held his best interest near and dear to my heart. Now, though, that fire has long since gone out and I'm angry. Bitter and angry, to be more specific.

Boy Crazy Chronicles: Grade Nine

   Even though I was just here two weeks ago with my family, this huge building feels brand new and completely different. It is, partially. Just in the knick of time, construction was finished a week ago for the brand new building. My class is the first Freshman class to enjoy the complete remodel on the age-old high school. Well, the high school isn't the only thing new and improved. That's right. Old caterpillar me has finally broken out of the cocoon and ninth grade Blair Thompson is ready for her life to begin. The summer after eighth grade was seriously so good to me. I finally discovered the Health and Beauty Aids aisles and online videos explaining how to use all that stuff. No longer do I clothe myself with men's t-shirts and sweatshirts just for comfort and gone are the days where I'm mistaken for a tom boy (or any other personality differentiations...) all because aesthetics is a lesson not yet learned. Yep, let me tell you, when I walked in for orientation in the beginning of the month, people noticed me, really noticed me. I didn't blend in with the crowd and move to the back of people's minds. I'm ready to start this new year with a splash. Things are finally going to be different for me!
    
   With the help of the new maps sitting in a table in the main lobby, I finally find my homeroom just as the first bell rings. Each desktop contains a packet of papers with our names on the very top. As I find my name, I glance around at some of the other names in my homeroom. For the most part, the local newspaper printed the class roster halfway through the summer. Everyone knows, however, there are last minute additions and subtractions for whatever reason. Besides, new year, new school, new building, new me - wouldn't a new student/new best friend be an excellent cherry on top? Someone who has no idea what I used to look like would be a great breath of fresh air right now. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great, and have been great since elementary school. It's just... it's time to find new ones. I'm changing and they're staying the same. I'm outgrowing them and it's time I find a new circle with the same interests as me.

The So-Called Real World

Let me tell you, I never thought I'd make it this far. Don't get me wrong, I never thought I'd take my own life or anything of that sort... But when it came to growing up, I'd never really given much thought to what I might want to do with my life. It's funny because I say that to some adults and they laugh and say they're forty-something and they still don't know what to do with their lives. Well, while they might think they're comforting me, I actually get more concern than comfort from their words. I mean, I only get one shot to this 'life' thing. Why, on earth, would I want to waste it?

So, what do I want to do with my life?

That's such a loaded question but, at the same time, not. I know the answer. I'm just too insecure, under educated, and non-committal to actually pursue my dreams. I'm also too scared and I've been scoffed at so many times that I'm actually scoffing at myself. The truth is: I'm a writer. That's what I love to do. I love to tell a story, fiction or non, in words I loop together in my own fashion. I've known since at least the third grade that writing is my passion. So why the heck am I twenty-one and investigating credit card fraud for forty hours a week? How did I get stuck? Why was I never motivated to go to college and make something of my life? Honestly, I wish I knew. More importantly, considering I can't change the past, I really wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm three years out of high school, not even an attempt at a degree, no completed drafts or even promising story lines, and at least two dozen documents on my laptop proving many failed attempts. Do I write something the whole way through first? Do I get a degree? Do I look into publications? Do I change nothing and keep at my current pointless path? I just don't know. I don't really know anything. Well, I know one thing for sure, and that is that my biological clock is ticking away and I've already wasted three years I could've spent preparing for a family.

Mediocrity. My life has been twenty one years of mediocrity. So now, here's the real question...

How do you break a cycle of mediocrity?

This is My Confession

   Today's the day I face facts. After all, you can't fix a problem you won't admit to. Ignoring accelerated geometry in tenth grade never really made it go away, ya know? Anyways, this isn't a story about an addiction or a crime. This is me confessing my insanity. I know, I know. Stick with me here.
     Nowadays, there's a huge focus on mental disorders in society. In some instances, the focus is good. For instance, children with learning disabilities aren't just stamped 'Stupid' on their forehead and sent through the rest of their life feeling as though they're missing something everyone else has. Rather, they're given special classrooms and teachers, and even sometimes their own special set of rules. In most places, however, the focus on mental disorders is bad, very, very bad. There's a stigma around people who admit to having them, there's people who lie about having them just so they can get attention... And then there's people like me, assuming there are more out there like myself, who live each and every single day trapped in a box they can't find their way out of because being crazy just wasn't on their bucket list.
     Anxiety is one of the disorders I've come to hate. It's so broad and practically anyone can claim to have it and then all the sudden, they're excused from being a respectful, respectable human being. I know someone who takes anxiety medication at fifteen and then uses that as an excuse to act out and make bad choices, all the while her parents just baby her. I know someone else who uses their anxiety as a means to make them look vulnerable and gain attention. Every single time I see her update a status about her 'anxiety', I want to throw my phone out a window. Someone else I know claims to have anxiety so bad she can't even go into a Wal-Mart sometimes. The same person uploads selfies on facebook, duck-face and all, and posts statuses about something-or-other-is-better-than-yours. You have anxiety? Really? But, I digress.
     The reason I've called you here today is to confess my own insanity. No worries, I didn't murder someone and, if I did, I wouldn't plead insane because I don't want to actually admit (verbally) that I am crazy. One day, in order to live a normal life, I'll have to say it out loud to Someone M.D. but until then, I'll let my fingers and keyboard do the talking. I guess the hart part is... getting started.
     I guess the best way to explain my life is to break it down to each mental disorder I think I have. The list isn't too terribly long but I still have a few more googles to do before I feel one hundred percent comfortable with what's going on in this noodle of mine. I guess the most prominent one is paranoia. When I say most prominent, I mean this is the one that affects me most of the time and it's honestly the one I'm most comfortable explaining - which I'll glady explain after I list. The other one is bipolar disorder. Then comes depression

Grade Nine

Climbing all these stairs makes my calves and thighs burn. I thought I'd left gym class already but man do I feel the burn all over again. My teacher let me go a few minutes before the final bell so I could see my English teacher and not risk missing my bus. I'm so glad she did - I don't want anyone to see me huffing and puffing my way up three flights of stairs. To try to distract myself, with fifteen or so more stairs to go, I try to think of any reason at all Miss Knight would want to see me. English is my best class and when I turned in my last essay, I felt it was some of my greatest work. Maybe she didn't like the style or tone I used. When I finally get to the third floor, the classrooms are full of students who have stopped paying attention for the day. In some rooms, the teacher has given up commanding the room and everyone is standing around talking but in others, teachers are still trying to hold a lesson while twelve or thirteen pairs of eyes glance at the clock. At the end of the hallway, I hear voices rising from Miss Knight's room. Not wanting to interrupt what sounds like a group discussion, I wait outside the room. The clock in the hallway tells me the bell is going to ring in about seven minutes so I head back the way I came to my locker. It might save me time if I can switch out my books and get my homework ready. The hallway is mostly empty as I turn the combination lock and open my locker. I get all my folders and books in order and hear footsteps coming down the hallway as I shut the locker door. Remembering an extra credit assignment, I open my locker back up and grab another notebook and shut the locker just as the bell rings. I take off down the hall as doors fly open and students fill the empty space. When I reach Miss Knight's room, there's only one person still in there and it looks like he's staying. As I get closer, I notice it's Clark, a guy I met in eighth grade. I had the biggest crush on him but haven't seen him since then. We haven't had any classes together since high school started this past fall. I hear Miss Knight down the hall talking to another teacher and laughing. Thinking I could finish the rest of my algebra homework, I take a seat a few rows over from Clark. Noticing his empty desk, it crosses my mind he might be here for detention, which kind of surprises me. Miss Knight approaches the doorway, still in her conversation with a teacher from down the hall. I look at the clock and realize I'm probably going to miss the bus home. I decide to figure out a way home later. I only have a few numbers to do on my math homework and that means one less book - the heaviest book - to take home. Miss Knight walks in the room and shuts the door behind her. Seeing that I'm calculating my last problem, she walks over to Clark's desk to talk to him. I can't hear what they're saying but I'm not completely listening. I double check my work for the last problem and close the book, satisfied with my answers. Miss Knight stands at the front of the room.
   "I'm glad you both agreed to meet me after school. You're here because the two of you are in separate periods but I think you two would make a great match for tutoring."
    My mouth falls open and my mind races to the last assignment I turned it. I didn't think it was that bad that she thought I'd need tutoring. That must mean that she wants me to tutor Clark.
    "Emmy, you are really good in my class and I think you could really help Clark."
    I glance at Clark out of the corner of my eye. I can see his face getting red and I feel really bad that he's getting embarrassed.
    "But Miss Knight, Clark is really smart. I don't think he needs tutoring."
    "Well, maybe if you both meet up for one session and get back to me. I just wanted to test it out. That's all I needed. You two are free to go."
    She leaves the room, letting the door hang wide open. I stand up and gather all my stuff together and head toward the door when I notice Clark isn't standing up. I turn around to wait for him. He just looks at me.
   "Look, you don't have to help me, okay?"
   "Well, what do you mean?"
   "You didn't sound very interested so we can just tell her we did it and it didn't work out."
   "No, I'd love to. I was just surprised, that's all. When do you want to meet?"
   "I don't know, how about later today?"
   "Well, I have to try to get a ride home right now. I missed the bus and my parents work until later."
   "You could walk home from school with me. We can work together until your parents can come get you."
   I consider the idea. It's not like I have anywhere else to go. The school would probably be completely empty by the time someone comes to pick me up. And waiting in a nearby fast food joint alone didn't really sound appealing. Clark and I were good friends just six months ago and it's not like he could've changed that much.

Confessions of Bank Teller

1.) If I ask for ID, it's because someone at least five pay grades higher than me has the potential to fire me if I don't.


2.) We close at a certain time for a reason. Whether you like the hours or not, the decision is made by someone you will never meet in your entire lifetime and coming three minutes before we close with huge transactions does nothing but make your bankers hate you.


3.) No, we don't actually care about your day any more than you care about ours. But when we ask, at least grunt and smirk. Not being friendly earns you a reputation amongst the entire bank staff - and not a good one.


4.) Don't show up at our branch on a holiday and say how you're surprised we're open so late. If you really care and want us to spend next year with our families, boycott the bank and our transaction counts will speak higher volumes than you're small talk.


5.) While standing in line in the lobby, don't just walk up to someone's window. Wait for them to welcome you over. We're graded on our welcoming skills and we're more than likely working on something.
6.) When it's cold out or raining and you decide to go through the drive thru, rather than going inside because you don't want to leave your car, understand that we're not going slower than usual. Stop staring, stop tapping your fingers on your steering wheel, we can see you. We're going the same pace, it just feels like it's taking longer because you decided to sit with your window down while the freezing cold takes over your car and you are growing impatient quicker. Honestly, go inside.

I (Don't) Got A Feeling

   Time heals everything. Or at least that's what people like to say.

Back in the day

   As soon as I get to school, I search the quad for Nathan, my boyfriend of less than a month. I hope it's too early for him to be surrounded by friends as I search the crowd for him because I know he isn't going to like what I have to say. Things were going great for us for the first week or two but lately, I've been thinking and I've decided that there's someone else I want to be with. Part of me thinks I should keep my feelings for a certain long time friend under wraps, just in case he doesn't feel the same way. After all, it isn't work sacrificing our friendship. However, one thing I realized for sure is that it isn't fair to keep a relationship with Nathan when I'd rather be with someone else, whether I actually can be with that other person or not. Being unsuccessful in my search for Nathan, I stop and stand in one place and move my eyes around the group of teenagers. Before I can spot Nathan, I see a head of blonde curls at the bottom of the stairs laughing with his friends. It's Wes. I met him in eighth grade and had the biggest crush on him. It wasn't like all the other crushes I've had, either. He was different and my feelings for him were different. I didn't just think he was cute and got flustered around him, I wanted to get to know him and be a part of his life.
     Waiting for Nathan to appear, I stand and watch Wes and wish I were a major part of his life and were standing down there with him and his friends, laughing along to the jokes and standing with his friends' girlfriends. I've never seen Wes with girls and I'm not even sure he's into dating. All I know for sure is that it isn't fair to Nathan to be with him when I would rather be with someone else. Wes glances around him and happens to look up in my direction. When he catches me staring, I don't bother looking away. Our eyes lock and I can't help but smile, speaking a secret language he's probably never heard before. He turns his attention to a friend that starts talking to him but I don't look away. In between his friend's sentences, Wes glances back up at me, probably wondering if I'm still staring. I am.
     "Hey, hot stuff! What are you doing out here?" Nathan comes up behind me and talks low into my ear.
     It must be kind of odd that I'm out here before school starts. When the buses get here, there's usually about twenty minutes to kill before the bell rings and we're allowed to go to lockers and head to our first classes. There are certain areas around the school we're permitted to be before the bell. Some kids go to the cafeteria and clutter up the tables or get some breakfast. Some athletes go down to the locker rooms and gym to get their belongings ready for practice after school. A lot of people stand outside, no matter the temperature and mostly just huddle in different groups of friends. A very small group, my group of friends, to be exact, go inside to the library. Sometimes other kids go to the library to get some research done before school or to finish up a report before class. The librarians don't really like anyone to be there if they aren't working on schoolwork but my friends and I are in the library getting new books every chance we get and the librarians know we aren't trouble so they let us stay. Every morning, that's where I go with my best friend, Victoria and our other friends. When I first got in this morning, I left my stuff with her in the library and told her my plans. She didn't want to go along just in case things got intense but she applauded my decision. Ever since she heard Nathan's name leave my mouth, she's been against our relationship. She doesn't think he's a good guy and she really doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't know about all that because I don't separate people into good, better, and best but either way, things with Nathan and me aren't going to work if I'm interested in someone else. For once, Victoria approves of Wes, though. She says he's much better because he's polite and he doesn't act like an imbecile. I've never really based my life around her opinions but this time, it's great to have her approval. I just wish she would be by my side right now.
   I turn around and give Nathan a half hug but avoid his eyes. Instantly, he can tell something is wrong and the smile melts off his face and is replaced by a look of concern.
   "Are you okay?"
   "Yeah, I'm okay. I just... uh... Can we talk for a second?"
   "Sure..."
   We slide to an empty spot in the courtyard and some of our acquaintances glance at us suspiciously.
   "Look, Nathan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I know we just started dating and these past few weeks have been... But I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
   Not sure what to do or where to go, I stand in front of him, letting the words sink in. He doesn't look at me, just stares down at his boots and I can see his emotions go from shock to anger to sad to livid to embarrassed and back to shock. I know he has to say something and I can't just walk away from him after saying something like that. I know I blindsided him and he probably has questions but he doesn't move, he doesn't look up, and he doesn't say a word.
   "Nathan..."
   "It's fine."
   "Are you sure?"
   "Yeah, I'm sure. Just go. Please."
   I turn my head back in Wes's direction. His whole group of friends are watching the entire thing. Nathan and Wes have mutual friends and I think they're even decent friends themselves. I don't want to hurt Nathan and I definitely didn't want to embarrass him but I can't worry about his feelings when mine are at stake. At the bottom of the steps, most of the eyes are on Nathan but two beautiful blue eyes are on me and I know it's my chance. I take another look at Nathan and sense the anger in his demeanor but back away and head down the steps. The looks on his friends' faces are a mixture of confusion, surprise, and concern. The closer I get, the more red Wes's face gets and I know I'm probably embarrassing him, too. He's always been shy. When I get to the bottom and I'm standing in front of Wes, at least a foot shorter than him, it feels so great to look in his eyes and know for the first time that I'm going to tell him how I feel and it might go somewhere. I might walk away with the boy I've wanted to be with for two and a half years.
   "Wes. Hi." My brain goes on strike and stops manufacturing words at the worst possible moment.
   He just looks down at me, into my eyes. I think I might just walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened but with all these eyes on me and Nathan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head especially, it's obvious that everyone knows why I'm standing here and I might as well get it out.
   "Wes... I... um... I've liked you since middle school. And, um, we've become great friends over the years. I never wanted to do or say anything that would mess that up but I can't be with anyone else knowing that I have feelings for you. It isn't fair to them, ya know. So, I guess, I'm wondering if you'd want to go out and see if you like me, too..."
   My heart pounds as his face gets even redder than before. The seconds slip by and feel like hours. Inside the glass doors, I notice the bell won't save me for at least five more minutes. I'm going to have to stand here until he says something and who knows if he will. Wes glances around him. He looks to the top of the stairs and looks at Nathan. I don't take my eyes off of him. Finally, I see him take a deep breath as if the wheels in his head need some energy to move and produce a sentence.
   "I... don't know what... to... say..."
   I look down at my shoes, feeling absolutely crushed. I slowly start to nod my head and back away from him. He feels as though he looks bad. I smile and he opens his mouth as if he has more words to say but no words come out.
   "That's okay. You don't have to say anything, I get it. I just wanted to take a chance and see what happened. It's okay."
   I turn around and walk back up the stairs. Nathan's mouth is hanging wide open but I'm sure he's loving the fact that Wes didn't take me into his arms and give me a romantic kiss like in all the movies. I'm sure he loves that I'm just as crushed as he is. That's okay. I tried. As I open the glass doors and let the cool air conditioning remove the sticky September morning heat, I think about all the reasons Nathan has given me to move on from him. Countless times, he's pressured me to do intimate things I'm not ready for. He has made comments about my appearance that weren't very nice. He's made fun of me for taking my grades so seriously and following the rules all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at other girls and verbally checked them out with his friends while I was sitting there. Truth be told, when no one else is around, he was a good guy to be with sometimes but sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially not if there's another relationship I'd rather be in. I smile as I walk past people I know but I don't stop to talk to anyone. I head through the halls with the library in my crosshairs. As soon as I walk through the doors, Victoria jumps up. She can tell by the look on my face that it didn't go well and waits a few classes before she asks me what happened. Lucky for me, we have all of our classes together - which is how we became best friends - and no matter where Nathan will pop up for the rest of the day, she'll be there. Giving me some time, she simply walks over to me and hugs me without a word. When the bell finally rings, we leave the library and head up the stairs to our lockers just three apart from each other. I notice new eyes on me as I wade through the rest of the student body and I try to keep my head down so I don't see Wes or one of his friends - especially Nathan. The coast is clear while we exchange our books for the ones we need and slam our doors shut. She then walks in front of me the whole way to our Geometry class. I'm kind of excited to go to Geometry because I know the teacher will be proud of me for finally breaking things off with Nathan. Before this morning, Nathan used to walk me to class every morning and the teacher would hear the rude things Nathan would say to me. Victoria usually lectured me in class about Nathan's behavior and Mr. Preisler would back her up and say that I shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Mr. Preisler has been one of the best teachers I've had throughout my entire high school career. He's nice to everyone and keeps the rowdy kids in line but he always has the best interest of his students in mind. I guess you could say he always stands up with the underdogs and he's one of the most respected teachers in the building. Before Victoria and I are safe in the classroom, I notice Wes standing at a locker nearby. I completely forgot his homeroom is Mr. Preisler and his locker is right outside. Thinking I can make it inside without being noticed by Wes or his friends, I put my head down and walk directly behind Victoria. I'm almost safe when I hear someone come up behind me.
   "So I've been thinking..."
   I take a deep breath, knowing this won't be good. Victoria takes my books and bag into the room to sit it on my desk and I slowly turn around to see Nathan looking back at me with crazy eyes. I have half a mind to wonder back in the room. I know Mr. Preisler won't let Nathan in the room. But hiding out from Nathan won't solve anything.
   "I don't know why you think breaking up with me is a good idea."
   "What do you mean?"
   "Oh come on. You know you're not going to find anyone else to actually want to be with you."
   My stomach begins to knot itself up, knowing Nathan isn't happy and he's going to take it out on my right now. I knew he had anger issues when he got mad but I was never the brunt of it. Now that I caused it, I'm about to see a side of him I'd only ever heard of. Nathan doesn't play nice when he isn't happy with someone. He's going to say anything and everything he can that he knows is going to get to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and take it and let him get it all out. It's the only way he'll be able to feel better and move on.
   "I mean," he continues, "look at you. Who would want to be with you? Come on. Really? I only did because you seemed so desperate for someone. You're not even attractive. You're actually pretty ugly. Look at your teeth. Look at you."
   A nearby teacher turns her head as Nathan's volume grows. I know she's going to step in, seeing as our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy. Nathan's anger gets worse when he sees I'm not affected.
   "Nathan, that's fine that you feel that way. If I'm so ugly and you took such a change being with me, I guess you're free now, aren't you?"
   "I guess I am. I'm single now and I'm going to find someone way better to be with. Someone I actually want to be with. I won't miss you at all. You're really pathetic. You're such a brown noser. and a nerd. If you have a B in something, you freak out because it isn't an A. And you're annoying. Hearing you talk is like hearing nails on a chalk board. No one likes you and I don't understand why I ever dated you."
   "Okay, that's enough, get to class." The teacher tries to step in.
   I hold my hand up to her and nod my head, motioning that I don't need her help.
   "Nathan, I don't understand why you're still standing here."
   He looks around and notices Wes standing nearby. I glance over and notice that absolutely everyone - Wes and his friends included -  are standing around staring at Nathan and me. While everyone else is focused on Nathan since he's the one blowing up, Wes is looking at me with the most concerned look on his face. Nathan doesn't let that fact go unnoticed.
   "Look, I know you think you're the coolest person ever but you're just not. And honestly, I was going to break up with you a while ago but didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I felt bad because I knew no one would ever want to be with you. So I stayed. So you can forget about this whole you breaking up with me thing because in reality, I wanted to break up first."
   "Okay Nathan. Look, I know I hurt you and I know you'll never admit it in a million years and that's fine. My intentions weren't to hurt you okay. Don't roll your eyes at me, either, because if you weren't hurt, if you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't be standing here trying to make me feel like a horrible person."
   "You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think would happen?"
   "Honestly Nathan, I thought it would be worse if we stayed together and really started to like each other and then realized that we aren't right for each other. I don't care what you say or what you believe but you and I are not a good match. We're too different. And not even in an opposites attract kind of way. We aren't even opposites. We're just way too different to ever work. I thought breaking up after a few weeks would be much easier on both of us than getting to really know each other and breaking up after months of being together."
   "That's bull. And you know it. You broke up with me to be with someone else."
   Nathan starts to walk toward Wes and I feel like I might die of embarrassment all over again. It's bad enough Wes turned me down but now Nathan is going to use that against me to make himself feel better.
   "Wes here doesn't want you. So you know what, you're stuck. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you for nothing. And you're not getting me back. So don't even try."
   Other teachers turn their attention to our exchange and slowly inch closer. Nathan's smirk makes my blood boil and Wes's red face makes me infuriated. It's bad enough he had the nerve to treat me like a dog in front of an entire hallway of people but to bring Wes into something he's not involved in is taking things way too far.
   "Okay Nathan, you know what? SHUTUP. I have never felt as insecure, unhappy, self conscious, lonely, and confined in my entire life than you have made me feel in the last three weeks. You treat me like I'm the luckiest person on the planet to be in a relationship with you but it's actually the opposite. You have been the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth and I have no idea why I put up with it. You have no idea how to treat girlfriends and you definitely have your priorities messed up. Stop making me feel bad for making a decision that's better for the both of us."
   Nathan looks at the ground, unsure what to say. I cross my arms and stare him down. The warning bell rings, making everyone spring back to life and start rushing to their first classes. The teachers start to back off and Nathan starts to inch toward the stairwell that leads down to his first class. The hallway starts to thin out. Nathan's footsteps get bigger and bigger. He has one foot on the stairs, ready to leave. I can see him cooking up something else to say to make his exit that much more grand. I beat him to it.
   "Nathan, hope you have a good day. Good life, for that matter.  And, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to talk to me again until your first words are that you're sorry."
   Without even a smirk, Nathan disappears down the stairs. Glancing at the clock in the hallway, I try to decide if I should take the last few minutes before class starts to head to the bathroom and calm down a bit but when I focus on my feelings, I realize I'm not really unnerved by the things he'd said. I feel fine and I actually feel a lot better knowing he didn't actually mean the things he said. It was all about how hurt he is. A teacher from down the hall approaches me, probably after watching the whole argument.
   "I just wanted to ask if you were okay."
   "Yeah, thanks I'm okay."
   "What happened?"
   "I broke up with him this morning and he didn't like it because it was partially because I like someone else and partially because he and I just aren't good together."
   "You aren't good together? That's mature of you to realize."
   "Well, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with either of us. Mashed potatoes are good and peanut butter is delicious but I wouldn't put the two together for any reason."
   "Are you a writer?"
   "I am. I love to write. How'd you know?"
   "You seem great with words. I have a writing group after school and I think you'd be a great addition. It's after school..."
   The teacher trails off talking and looks over my shoulder. I can tell that someone has walked up behind me and I guess it's Mr. Preisler asking if I'm coming to class.
    "Well, we meet in the balcony right after school tomorrow. You should consider it."
    The teacher backs away and offers a little wave as she heads toward her classroom. I turn around expecting to see Mr. Preisler and I about fall down when I see Wes looking down at me. My breath disappears and I feel more lightheaded than I've ever felt before. Neither of us say a word but I know he's thinking a lot of things. I hope he isn't standing here to give me a pity apology or anything but at the same time, I'm so glad I get to see his beautiful blue eyes again. His brown sweatshirt seems so comforting and I wish I could just hug him but that would be weird no matter what he has to say. Hugging Wes looks like it would be a dream, his strong arms wrapped around me, his warmth surrounding me. Wes says my name and his tone pops me out of my daydreams. I look into his eyes and he continues.
   "About earlier..."
   "No, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."
   "You don't understand, though. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea you were going to say that. I was kind of caught off guard."
   "I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect to approach you but I just saw you standing there and I thought it was a good idea. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I should have came up to you when you weren't with a bunch of people."
   "Well... we're alone now. There's no one watching. And..."
   "Yeah..." He has me so confused and I honestly have no idea where he's going to go with this.
   "Look, I have thought of you as more than a friend before and I never said anything because I didn't want anything to happen to our friendship if we didn't work out. And I don't really know how the whole dating thing goes. I've never really thought about being in a relationship."
   At this point, I feel like he's letting me down easy and I want nothing more than to disappear. My first instinct is to stand here and convince him that dating is a good idea but if I have to sell myself to him then it really won't be worth it to be with him because I'll always have to convince him why he should stay with me and that's not how a relationship should go.
   "Look, I want to try things out because I really like you as a person and we get along so well but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
   "Honestly, if we ever decided to be more than friends, I think we're both mature enough and considerate of other people's feelings that we wouldn't end on bad terms."
   "Then let's go out."
   "Wait, really?"
   "Yes. I've always felt more than friendship for you but never said anything. I don't know how to do the whole dating thing but if you're patient with me I can figure it out. Honestly, I've never really thought any girls were worth all the hassle and I always thought you just liked me as friends."
   "So... we're going out?"
   "If you say yes..."
   A major smile spreads across my face and he echoes.

   As soon as I got to school, I searched the crowds outside for my boyfriend, hoping to find him alone and away from his friends.

Wake Up Call

Today, I woke up somewhat on time. I got out of bed, I walked down the hall to use the bathroom, noticed mom was in the bathroom and walked down the stairs to the other bathroom as I muttered to myself about how I can't wait to move out, and I sat down to relieve myself. Being tired and not wanting to just go and get right back up, I sat there for a few extra seconds, maybe even a minute, and I looked around the bathroom. I checked to see if any spiders were hiding in the nooks and crannies. I checked to see if there was any socks left behind after a load of laundry. That's when I noticed what was sitting on top of the washing machine. I guess the washer and dryer and some kind of a storage area for things that have no where else to go and that's how the bathroom scale ended up there. I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know why I didn't just pan over it and then go about my business for the day, but I did. I looked right at it and I paid attention to it, and a false sense of confidence told me to jump on there and see how much weight I've lost since I last weighed myself. Lately, I've been eating whatever I wanted because my clothes have been fitting the same. I didn't think there would be any precautions for eating what I'd wanted because I was under some kind of impression that my body had hit a steady weight and it wouldn't move no matter what I ate. Well, I was wrong. My body weight is not steady. My confidence was out of no where and way out of line. And, at 7:20 in the morning, I woke up, for real.


I don't want to go into detail. There's an immense level of shame and guilt keeping me from admitting how high my number actually is. What I will say, though, is that I've hit a mark that I never thought I would hit. For the past two years, every time I weighed myself, I would feel kind of bad about the number but I'd make myself better by saying, "Oh, it's high but at least it isn't ###." Today, I couldn't say that because, by 0.8 lbs., I went past the weight of my worst nightmares.


I'll be honest, I got pretty mad at the scale at first. I picked it up, tossed it onto the washer where I found it and stomped up the steps. I became annoyed at mom when she tried to talk to me and seemed to be picking a fight. And I went upstairs and tried to go about my morning, ignoring what I just found out about myself. I made my bed, I talked baby-talk with the dog, and I looked in the mirror to do my makeup. That's when my self-conscious was through with denial. I looked in the mirror at the girl looking back at me and, not for the first time, I was disgusted. With the messy hair I'm too lazy to take care of and look after. With the double chin getting bigger and bigger. With the cheeks getting so big there's only a shadow of a face underneath. With the fat on the arms hanging down like wings. With the gut that gets forced into pants that try to slim it down. With the fat fingers that are outgrowing the engagement ring. With the fat legs that ruin pants from rubbing together. With the fat calves that make buying boots of any kind nearly impossible. And, even with the fat feet, that have bunions at twenty years old because no shoes fit right on a foot that fat. I was disgusted. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and had an actual conversation with myself. I poked around at the double chin that seemed to have grown since I last paid attention to it. I poked the arm fat that wiggled around in protest. I put my pants on and observed the way my gut makes the pants look miserable and punished. And I decided I can't keep doing this.


As I continued to get ready with a new take on my body image, my mind raced in all kinds of directions. I thought about how this would be a bad time to be healthy because there's a whole bunch of leftover Chinese food in the fridge from last night's dinner. That's when I stopped myself and realized that I make too many excuses and that's how I wedged myself in this position in the first place. Just because Chinese food is there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Even if I want some, I need to set aside a small portion and not eat until it feels like my stomach is going to burst open. After I got some makeup on and started to pick out my outfit for the day, I thought about how it really is a bad time to be embarking on this journey because of the holidays coming up and how people get offended if you don't eat their desserts. But you know, that's when I thought more about it and realized that anyone in my family knows I've had a weight problem since I was a kid. If I decide to not eat their desserts one year because I'm trying to better myself as a person then I think they'd be a little less offended by it. Honestly the holidays will probably be more enjoyable this year if I decide not to eat myself sick and constantly want to take a nap. Maybe if I take it easy on the food I'll have a better time. Maybe just generally in life, if I stop eating so much and being lazy because I ate too much, things in life will start to pick up.


I finished up my morning walking to the kitchen after brushing my teeth and deciding that I'm going to have to take this journey one meal at a time. Some days when I'm home and can snack, I'm going to have to take it one hour at a time. There will be mistakes, there will be cheat days, and I will disappoint myself. Honestly, though, I need to take control. It would be great to look at current pictures of myself and think that I look great instead of deleting all but one because I feel that I look terrible. I don't want to look at pictures of my in ninth and tenth grade and wish I still looked that way. It's time to do something about my weight once and for all. It won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and self control but I have to start now. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and not some sort of lumpy frumpy one they make for plus sized brides. I don't want to have to spend tons of money on clothes because the only high end clothing stores for plus sized women are expensive. I don't want to hate being intimate with Wes because I feel insecure about how I look.


Lately, Wes has been giving up soda. You used to see him fill a trash bag with empty soda cans in a few days. Lately, he's been drinking a lot of water and I've noticed it becoming a natural thing. He doesn't even think about it anymore. He has soda he could drink, he just reaches for water instead. His face has been clearing up a lot and he seems to have more energy.

Dear Next Guy:

If there ever is a next guy, there are some things you need to know.

I've had bad.

I've had worse.

And I've also had damn near perfect. Hopefully, you'll fall somewhere different within the spectrum, somewhere I've never been loved before. I've been used, I've been abused, I've been loved and left, and I've loved and lost. I hope you understand that each adventure I allowed my heart to lead me on took me to dangerously beautiful places. There are bruises on my heart, scars even. It's been broken only to be fixed. It's been damaged only to be changed. My heart has been right, it's been wrong, and it's been confused beyond right and wrong into a gray area of hope and prayer. Just know that my heart is like a journal whose pages cannot be burned. The memories cannot be forgotten and no lobotomy can fry away all the feelings it's had. 

Avdiciro

     Avdiciro pulls into the driveway and notices a white car he's never seen before parked outside his girlfriend's house along the front sidewalk. He parks his car in front of her garage and looks around to see if anyone might be lurking around the area but the neighborhood is quiet this Saturday morning. He removes his keys and gets out of his car, fixing his tie in the reflection in the car window before heading to the garage door. He hopes Morgan, his girlfriend, is ready to go by now. It's her cousin's wedding, after all, and he doesn't want them to be late.

"Morgan, I think your neighbors are parking in front of your house again. Do you want me to knock on some do-" Avdiciro abandons his sentence when he sees a familiar face sitting on Morgan's couch.

It takes him a few minutes before he recognizes the guy's dirty blonde curls and icy blue eyes.

"Hello." He says to Morgan's rather recent ex-boyfriend.

He doesn't want to be overly friendly, as he doesn't like the guy and views him as possible competition, but he doesn't want to be rude and risk displeasing Morgan.

"Hey." The ex says simply.

Avdiciro meanders his way to the kitchen and nervously checks the refrigerator for nothing in particular. The ex just sits on the couch and watches TV like he's exactly where he belongs. Thinking back, Avdiciro remembers Morgan saying she bought the house after the two had broken up because she wanted completely new scenery. The ex looks like he's been in this living room thousands of times before. For a moment, Avdiciro worries maybe he has been in this living room before - behind Avdiciro's back. Even though he isn't a live-in boyfriend, he feels really heated at the idea Morgan might have invited another guy into her house behind his back and possibly had an affair.

Avdiciro takes a deep breath and realizes what he's saying. He's a personal trainer. Perfecty sculpted physically and financially set for life, as he comes from money. This ex-boyfriend is more than a little pudgy and doesn't exactly make a decent living. After all, Avdiciro has already spoiled Morgan with enough for her to know that he's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of companion, one that she'd be crazy to give up.

Avdiciro closes the refrigerator when he hears heels clacking on the wooden floors in the hallway. When Morgan appears in front of him in an adorable dark grey dress and

Untitled

    At the end of a day's work, the clock seems to drag by a lot more than it does on your day off. Hour long lunch breaks feel like fifteen minutes but an hour on the clock feels like an eternity. When the clock finally strikes five, Vera packs up all of her stuff and rushes toward the door to avoid any possible interruptions on her just-started weekend. The cool air hits her cheeks as she opens the door so she pulls her coat a little tighter.
     "Have a nice weekend, Vee!" Someone calls behind her.
     Rather than turning around and running the risk of getting stuck in a long conversation, Vera waves behind her back and lets the cold air

Starting With You

My first best friend was Ashley and we were four. Every day at day care, we played with blocks and fake kitchen sets and went on the best imaginary adventures. We spent every single day together through the week and sometimes hung out on the weekends, too. Something happened one day, though, because I remember going through elementary school and my mom requesting she and I not be in the same classes because we couldn't get along. Over the years, I had friends here and there that I knew well enough to come over and hang out but none I considered best friends. At least, not until seventh grade.

One day, I was partnered with this girl in woodshop I'd never met before. At first, she was kind of quiet and that wasn't really my style so I asked her a bunch of questions until I found something we could talk about. Her name was Emma and after that first day, we were the absolute best of friends. I'll always remember that friendship because of what happened the day after I first met Emma. I walked into homeroom and some popular girls were laughing about something. I sat down next to one and asked them what was going on and they told me. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just remember they were making fun of Emma. At that moment, I was faced with a tough decision because middle school is the peak of life when popularity matters the most. Up until then, I was pretty good friends with the popular girls and I knew I could make fun of Emma with them and be in the in-crowd for the rest of my grade school career. Instead, I got up from the desk I was sitting in and walked over to sit down next to Emma, ignoring the popular girls. I knew it would ruin my repuation but I liked talking to Emma and being a friend to her felt way better than being friends with those other girls. I introduced Emma to some friends I'd already had when she told me she just moved from Ohio. She introduced all of us to Sara, who also just moved from Ohio. So the five of us kind of stuck together for seventh grade and I can honestly say it was one of the best years of my entire academic life. Emma and I hung out all the time. We had sleepovers and watched horror movies like the Grudges but also watched chick flicks like She's the Man and John Tucker Must Die.

Truthfully, Emma and I never stopped being friends. We were put into separate sections in eighth grade and slowly grew apart as we made new friends. She decided to hang out with a crowd of people who were pretty much the entire opposite of me. I missed her and I missed having someone close but that was part of life. At the end of eighth grade, her mom was tired of her misbehavior and she pulled her out of school and moved the family back to Ohio, cutting Emma off from our town in the mean time. That was hard but it got to the point where it was a fun surprise getting an email from Emma and it was like having a virtual pen pal when I wrote her messages about my life and read messages about hers. Nowadays, we're friends on Facebook and she and I would have never kept our friendship thriving had she stayed in this town. I'm more traditional and old school and she's picking up new trends like piercing her septum and going to school for art. She's happy though, and I applaud her for that. I miss the confidence she used to instill in me.

Losing Emma was hard. Sara and I became really good friends in eighth grade but it wasn't the same because Sara wasn't someone I wanted to hang out with outside of school. In ninth grade, I became closer friends with Caitlin and Emily from seventh grade and even met some of the friends they'd made in eighth grade. My next best friend was someone I'd met during softball in middle school that I had homeroom with in ninth grade. We were comparing schedules on the first day and realized we had tons of classes together so we grew pretty close. Her name was Victoria and we were a pretty great team. She had the answers I didn't and I had the answers she didn't. She pushed me to be the best I could possibly be and I taught her to relax sometimes. We were at each other's houses all the time and I don't think an hour went by that we weren't communicating somehow. She and I were best friends all through ninth grade and tenth grade, despite her disapproval of my first boyfriend. There were other fake best friends between tenth and eleventh grade but Victoria and I were the ultimate best friends. We even went to homecoming together in eleventh grade. What happened, you might ask? It started with a major disapproval for my second boyfriend and everything just kind of snowballed until we just blew up one day and stopped being friends. In her absence, I mostly depended on my then-boyfriend for friendship and he loved the attention.

During my senior year, I became best friends with a freshman who was excited about high school and we blended so well because we were so much alike. On the first day, she needed somewhere to sit so I told her she could sit with me and my friends. She blended in well and she and I became so close we would spend entire weekends together and I actually used her shower.

Two Years Later

Two years ago, in a long white gown and matching cap, I walked across a stage with two hundred other young adults, signaling the end of our mandatory academic career. Some were enlisting, some were going off to college, and some knew they were just simlpy entering the work force. I, myself, was undecided. That's right, I was one of the losers who had no idea what life after high school entailed. During my entire high school career, I thought I would go to college. Though my exact education path was never fully decided, furthering my education at least, was. For some reason, though, when push came to shove, I was undecided. I graduated high school with plans to continue my minimum wage career at the Kmart. That's not even mediocre. That's below average. That's a D on my life's report card.

To be clear, I didn't intend to stay at Kmar for the rest of my life. Full time opportunities were few and far betwen, if they came along at all, and the word 'raise' at Kmart was like the name 'Voldemort' at Hogwarts. I remember feeling so low about myself as my peers all seemed so put together and ready for the future while I had no idea what my next step might be. My future looked like minimum wage, holiday hours, a car older than me, and spending my weekdays off lounging around with my boyfriend doing nothing. My friends had higher expectactions for themselves than I of myself. They had a purpose, a plan. And I was just letting my life go with the flow. Suffice to say, I felt like a failure.

Fast forward two years later and you'll see a completely new person (and not just because a double chin disguises me). I have an actual career, a 401K, a 2.5 karat ring on my left hand, and realtor.com in my browsing history. I'm twenty years old and I've begun to spread my wings and fly. I don't feel like a failure. For once in my life, I feel like I have everything pretty much together. I have medical benefits, a car I put the miles on, a fiance, and somewhat of a plan. Some of my classmates' plans have fallen through. Some have made terrible life decisions. And others aren't even alive anymore.

Growing up is real. It isn't for the faint of heart and anyone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses won't survive. You have to make every decision with every duck in a row. You have to prepare for anything and everything.

To A Girl: You don't need him

I can understand the spinning in your head. I can understand the confusion. He's no good for you but you still can't get him out of your mind. Want to know a secret? You don't need him.

The only reason he's still living rent-free in the depths of your dreams and the heights of your emotions is because you're letting him. There's something he provides for you that you're afraid you won't find somewhere else. The truth is, you can give it to yourself.

I bet he makes you feel beautiful.
I bet he makes you feel wanted.
I bet he makes you feel attractive.
I bet he makes you feel smart.
I bet he makes you feel irreplaceable.

And you are.

He wiggled his way into your subconsious by pushing your guard down. He told you things he knew you wanted to hear and you believed him. Now he's gone and you're trying to squeeze him into your life any way possible just so you can feel the things he makes you feel. You can't let him go because you're afraid your self worth will go with him. Well, let me tell you something. If your self-worth depends on someone else it's worthless.

Look in the mirror and actually see yourself. Don't wrinkle your nose at what you see, don't pick yourself apart. Tell yourself all the things you need to hear.

You are beautiful.
You are wanted.
You are attractive.
You are smart.
And you are irreplaceable.

You believed all those things when he said them to you because he repeated them and made sure you knew it. Take a look in the mirror every single day. Grap a dry-erase marker (or a Sharpie if you're feeling bold) and write those things on your mirror to see every morning and every night.

Stop staying in all the time. Go out and have a good time and you'll feel better instantly. Quit trapping yourself in this emotional prison because, quite honestly, you're the warden. Let yourself free. You don't need him and you definitely don't need his - or anyone else's - opinions to make you feel valuable. This world is a great place if you choose to live in it.

Untitled

     I bet you've heard of me. Everyone else has around this stupid town has. Well, I don't care too much because in just two days, I'm out of here. Well, for the most part. These past four years in high school have been so rough and I'm ready for them to be over. At this point, if college really is just the sequel, it's definitely not a place I want to be. For a hundred and eighty days each year for for years - that's seven hundred-twenty days! - I've dragged myself out of bed, walked through the halls, attended my classes and passed every single one with as 90% or higher. I've done my job and now it's finally time for me to move on. Right after our graduation ceremony, I was out the doors and I haven't looked back. There was no one I went to school with I cared to take pictues with, no teachers I wanted to say goodbye to, and no memories I wanted to reminisce on. I came right home and watched movies and fell asleep around two in the morning.

The first day of summer was seriously the best feeling in the world. I didn't have to get up early and force myself to go to that awful place. In fact, I never have to go back there again! It's great! For a week, I got to enjoy my last official summer vacation and I still have two days left! You might ask what happens next. Well, some of my peers are going of to college, some are entering the work force or military. I am doing something completely different. When I was in eleventh grade, I got word that my dad's distant great aunt Lolly had died. Truth be told, I'd never met the woman in all my sixteen years but yet I was the heir to everything she owned. Crazy, right?

I was in my room after school one evening, working on a project for school, and the doorbell rang. We were all kind of surprised because we never get visitors we aren't expecting. Even when we are expecting them, they use the back door. I thought it might just be someone peddling something but then I heard my mom come up the stairs and knock on my bedroom door. She said there was a lawyer in the living room asking for me. Her face was just as confused as my mind but I put down my markers and walked downstairs anyways. His name was Jackson Henry and his suit looked like it costed more than my car. The watch on his right wrist looked like my parent's retirement accounts couldn't even pay for it. Honestly, I thought our family was getting scammed until Mr. Henry laid a family tree out on our dining room table.

"Emily, at the bottom of this family tree is you. You were the end of my research. It took my a few months to track you down but I found you."

I looked down at the diagram and saw my parents' names above mine and then my dad's parents above his but the other names were unfamiliar. Dad leaned over and took a look but even he looked to the lawyer with questions. Mr. Henry removed his jacket and laid it over the back of one of our dining room chairs. I remember wondering if he considered us peasants. He cleared his throat and started to explain but I really wasn't listening. It sounded like I would just inherit someone's junk they thought was important all their life.

"Looking at the chart here, this is where I started," he said, pointing to the top where it said 'Lolly Farmer'.

Her birth year and death year were written under her name. If this guy wasn't wrong, Lolly had been a hundred and one when she'd died. The lawyer explained his way down the diagram and, basically, Lolly's husband had died when she was in her eighties and she never had any children but she wanted all of her possessions to stay within the family and the blood line just like they had when they'd gotten to her. Farmer is the family that Lolly had married into. Her maiden name, Royer, is my dad's side of the family. In fact, Lolly was my dad's great aunt.

"Lolly refused to name an heir at the time her will was written because there wasn't anyon to fulfill it twenty years ago. She wanted all her possessions to go to the next female of both the blood line and the family name. With your dad being an only child and his uncle being killed in World War II, no one fit the bill until you."

"When did she... you know... pass?"

"It was about three and a half months ago. I had to do some digging to find out where her family ties led to. No one around Forrestor knew. Which was practically crazy because everyone in that small little town is supposed to know everything about everyone. But, my research paid off because here you are!"

"So... what do I do now?"

"Technically... notthing. At least, not right now.