I get a drink from the same water fountain at the same time, every morning. It's the only way I can see her-- just her. I wish there were more opportunities. Any other time, she's holding hands with that loser of a boyfriend. At the end of each day, I get on the bus heartbroken because the two of them gallivant past me, smiling at each other. I bet she doesn't even see me anymore. I guess I deserve this, though, I mean, I did just kind of throw her away. But that was a year ago...And I thought she believed in second chances? After seven months, how could she just move on and pretend like I no longer exist?
"Matt! Are you going to help me or just sit there like a friggin dope?"
And this is why I hate health class. As soon as Katie walks past me, ignoring every ounce of humanity I am, I have to go back into the classroom, sit down, and work on this stupid project with the most annoying girl on the planet. I'm capable of constructing a human skeleton on my own, but I had to be partnered with the girl who has to spend three days making a 'Plan of Attack' and then spend an entire day planning out how to begin the 'Plan of Attack'. I'm shocked she's finally ready to start working today. With a pathetic sigh, I grab some of the plastic bones from the kit and look at Step One on her color-coded outline. This girl seriously has no life.
"What is
wrong with you today? You act like you can't even function. Were you out late last night or something? I mean, seriously, it's not like
you were up until 2 AM studying like me."
I grit my teeth as she smiles to herself, proud. I hate when she judges me like that. So what if her assumptions are correct? She makes me feel worse than I already do.
"Seriously, what's wrong with you?"
"I don't want to do this."
"Whoaa! BIG surprise there. You know what? If this were ninth grade, I would just do the whole thing myself and slap your name on it, but we're juniors. You need to learn to do your own work for once. God, just be responsible and do what you're supposed to. Stop being lazy. And another thing..."
She delivers the same lecture every day.
I'm lazy...blah blah blah...
I never do my work...blah blah blah...
I won't go anywhere in life...blah Blah BLAH! After four days of listening to it, I'm sick of it so I just pick up the Plan of Attack and start working, just to shut her up. It didn't totally work.
"Seriously, though, what is wrong with you?"
"Huh?"
"Oh, don't play dumb. Every single day, you sulk around the room like someone ran over your new puppy. Why?"
"I do not."
"Matthew, you do!"
"What do you know?"
"I know that you hate the very sound of my voice, which leaves you with two options. You can either continue insisting that nothing is up and listen to me nag OR you can do the talking for once and explain what is going on in the empty head of yours. Your choice."
She has a point.... Besides, maybe she could be an excellent ally for hatching a plan to win Katie back, Even if it is a color-coded 'Plan of Attack'.
"Okay fine...but this is
just between you and me." I looked over my shoulder to see if any other groups were around us. There are people scattered everywhere, so close they aren't sure which supplies belong to them and which ones don't.
The look on my face must express my concern because Gabby throws her hand in the air and calls out, "Mrs. Diablo, there is NOT enough work space in here. And also, it's too loud."
"Yes, yes Gabby. Hallway or Library. Take your pick." I bet she's just glad to get rid of her.
Gabby smiles to herself and gathers all of our supplies and places them in the purple office bin she brought in to 'Keep Hold of Supplies'. She flashed me a
Na-na-na-na-na-naaa! look and I just rolled my eyes. Of course, she picks the library. She doesn't even spend time to spread everything out on the table before she starts begging me for 'The 411'.
"So, there's this girl...and--"
"Oh! I
love crush stories!"
"Uhh, yeah. So, I thought the deal was that you shut up and I talk?"
She makes a gesture like she's zipping her mouth - a miraculously locking zipper, that is - and then she throws the key.
"As I was saying...There's this girl. And I really like her but she doesn't pay any attention to me..." I pause for her to say something, realizing I can't just talk about it; I need her probing questions to help me get the whole thing out.
"So, she doesn't know you exist?"
"She does. She just kind of hates my guts."
"What? Why?"
"It's...Katie Jordan."
"Ummm, are you BSing?"
"No. I know it's crazy and all but I can't help it. I love her still. I can't move on."
"Crazy isn't the right word. I think you're looking for
pathetic!"
"Thanks, Gabby. You know, I already felt like a piece of trash but that just makes it better."
"You needed to hear that. Seriously? After everything that happened?"
"You don't know the whole story!"
"What is there to know? You guys were so in love, then you dumped her out of no where, laughed at her tears, rejected her when she asked you to take her back -
twice - and then you moved on with some girl you met at summer camp."
"That isn't the whole story, so you can shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Matthew, please. This is a conversation, not a production of West Side Story. Stop shouting and tell me your side, then. I was best friends with Katie when it all happened, that's what I heard from her."
"You didn't even ask to hear my side! You just assumed that I'm an asshole and--"
"I'm asking now..."
"Okay...Kate and I had a lot of problems that no one saw. Sure we looked happy at school but we weren't exactly that happy."
"Maybe you weren't happy, but she was. She loved you like crazy."
"And that's the problem. I know she did. She did absolutely everything for me. Brought me breakfast every morning, helped me with homework I didn't understand--"
"Which must have been a tough job..." She's kidding, but I don't find it funny.
"She was long-term. She wanted to stay with me through the rest of high school and then
marry me."
"So? What's the problem? Are you afraid of commitment or something?"
"It's not that. It's just...I had to save her. She had no idea what she wanted. I was her first real boyfriend and I knew she could do better than me but she had no idea. After seven months, I got to know every single side of her and they're all perfect but not a single side of me is. She deserves to have someone who's on her level, perfectionally."
"First of all,
perfectionally isn't a word. Second of all, you're still stupid! Even if you thought she could do better than you, did it ever occur to her that she didn't want to?"
"Ugh! I know that Gabby, but--"
"Um, it's
Gabriella."
"Yeah, and my name is Matt, not Matthew."
"Touche..."
"I know she didn't want to do better than me. But she had to. She just
had to. I couldn't keep her, knowing she deserved something better. It was like giving her some ice cream with poison in it, just to make her happy, only she has no idea about the poison."
"You only
think she didn't know about the poison."
"What do you mean?"
"She knew she could do better than you. Me and all her other friends
tried to tell her that but she didn't want to listen. She knew the whole time but she didn't care. You made her happy and that's all that mattered to her."
"Yeah, but someone else could make her happy, too. And probably a hell of a lot better than I ever could."
"Yeah, I agree. But that was still her choice to make. Because of you breaking her heart as cruelly as you did, she'll never be the same. She'll never laugh the same, love the same,
live the same. You really tore her apart."
"I guess that's the sacrifice I was willing to make."
"You just forgot to understand that you were her first love. When a first love dumps you, your heart is like a vase shattered into a million pieces. Sure, she spent time after you picking up the pieces, but every time you turned her down, you threw the pieces back all over the ground again. Sure the next guy that comes along can
attempt to glue everything back together, but the vase will never hold flowers as beautifully as it did in the beginning."
I could only nod my head. I never really thought about how badly I was hurting her. I just focused on the fact that I was helping her in the long run. But was I really?
"So what's going on, now?
"Well, I want her back. So badly."
"What happened to 'Misty from Summer Camp'?"
"Yeah, how'd you know about her?"
"Oh please, I held Katie the night she saw it on Facebook and lost her mind, jumping off the deep end."
"How the hell did she see it? I blocked her from Facebook so she would stop watching my every post and move on."
"If a girl wants to do something, she finds a way to make it happen."
I shot her a questionning look.
"Okay, you didn't hear this from me, but someone who is friends with you on Facebook gave Katie her password and let Katie get on to look at your profile."
"That was dumb. The whole reason I blocked her was so she would stop adding me as a friend, and to take away that last thing I could control that was feeding her love for me."
"She thought you were just being a D-I-C-K."
"I figure that's why she hates me now."
"That's part of it."
"Yeah...so are you two still friends or what's going on with you two?"
"We aren't as close as we were last year, but we still talk sometimes. Wednesday is when the Book Club starts back up so we'll definitely start talking more frequently. But don't let that stop you from confiding in me."
"Well, maybe you could help me."
"Hmmm...well finish what you were saying about 'Misty from Summer Camp'."
"Right, well it wasn't anything too special in the beginning. I was drawn to her because she was like a scaled-down version of Katie."
"Haha! Yeah we noticed. That night Katie saw it on Facebook, the girls and I rushed over to Katie's house and we spent all night making fun of her!"
"What did we say?"
"Basically what you said...only meaner. Haha! We said she was like Katie plus forty pounds, greasy hair, glasses, and out-of-whackne!"
"Out-of-what?"
"Whackne because she had zits
everywhere! It looks like God took a red marker and speckled her face! So I didn't know you two broke up."
"Oh yeah, she broke up with me like two months ago for some 24-year-old with a Camaro and apartment of his own. Whatever."
"So your rebound dumped you and you just all-the-sudden want your ex back?"
"Well, yeah. I mean when I was trying to get over Misty, I kept crying--Don't tell anyone I said that!--And I felt terrible. Like my world was falling apart. Like--"
"Like your heart is a vase that someone picked up and threw to the ground, shattering it in a million pieced."
"God, yes! Okay, you understand where I was going with that. I felt like Katie did after I broke her vase--or heart. And after Misty left me feeling so lonely and terrible, I realized that Katie was the only thing in this world I really wanted. She was the only thing that made me actually happy. After trying to replace her with a cheap imitation, I knew, for a fact, that no one would take the place in my heart that she filled. I know that sounds lame and cheesy but it's true."
"Was she your first love, too? I mean she told that you told her she was but, come on, really? Were you just telling her that because you thought you were supposed do?"
"She never asked me if she was my first love. No, what she always asked me was if I loved her like I loved the others. There were others, and she knew that. She wasn't the first girlfriend I ever had. Hell, I had to teach her how to kiss. I was her very first kiss and she was scared to death of a peck on the lips because she had no idea what she was doing. She knew about the other girls. She always asked me, I guess because she wanted to make sure, if I loved her in the same way that I loved all my other girlfriends. And, every time, I honestly said No."
"No?"
"Yeah, I mean sure I loved the others a lot, and of course I loved her--I still do-- But I loved all the other girls like a crush kind of thing. With Katie, it went deeper than that. She was the longest relationship I'd ever had. I guess she had time to grow on me and I got to know her more than the others but my love was deeper for her than I'd ever felt before. I never cared about someone so much, to the point of 24-hour protection, attention, and affection."
"So, you felt the way you did, she felt the way she did, you both felt intense love for each other, but you were still a dumbass and broke up with her? What the hell, Matthew?"
"As my love grew deeper, so did the guilt."
And that's all I could say. No sentences were forming in my head to explain what I meant. I wasn't even sure if I understood what I meant. Gabby probably thinks I'm a mean monster who ran away from the only love I'd ever known because I couldn't handle long-term. But it was much more than that. So much more than that. I guess she understood my lack of words to be loss of words, so she continued for me.
"Soooo...did you feel like you found $1,000 and was so excited and then realized that the money could belong to someone else so you felt guilty for keeping it?"
"Exactly! Well mostly. I felt guilty because I felt like someone else could be spending the money, someone who was more deserving of it."
"I see."
I just hung my head as all the guilt wrapped me into a cocoon. This time, it was double-jeopardy. Not only did I feel guilty for keeping Katie away from someone else who was truly right for her, I felt guilty for deciding that she was better off without me. Because, really, it was her choice to make. I just sat there, looking at the pieces of the skeleton we were supposed to be constructing. The more I thought about it, the bigger the lump in my throat grew. I knew what was coming and should've stopped thinking and occupied my mind with something else, but the tears stung my eyes before I even knew they were coming. I blinked them back as well as I could.
"Gabby, please. Help me get her back. She belongs with me."
There was a stunned look on her face. Crying is a sign of weakness to me and I never do it in front of people. But right now, I don't care. I'm too far lost in desperation to worry about what the librarians think of me or what Gabby will tell people. The girl I love hates me and there's nothing I can do to change it. I need help. I need Gabby's help.
"Please?"
"What do you want me to do? I can't wave a magical wand and cast a spell on her."
"I know, but--"
"And besides, you apparently know her better than I do, I mean you think she hates you whereas I have no idea what she thinks about anything right now. The most conversation we've made since the end of the book club last year is small talk as we pass each other in the hallways. I have no idea what's going on in her life."
"All the things I know about her, I'm not supposed to know. I found out by probing her friends. It's all she said stuff that may not be true. If you get information from her, I'll know that what I hear is true."
"So...you want me to be your little 'Love Spy'? Come on, Matt, really? Can't you just move on and find someone else to love?"
"No. No I can't. I tried to replace Katie with someone else and it didn't work. No one can replace her. No one...I tried."
"Yeah but you replaced her with a cheap imitation," Her words were true, but offensive, "What you did is like taking Kool-Aid and replacing it with Crystal Light. It just isn't the same. If you're going to replace Katie, you need to find someone completely different. Basically, you have to get over Katie and lose your taste for her, then move on with a fresh take on romance and girls. If you keep looking for an exact replica of Katie, you'll never be satisfied because everyone is different; No one is the same. The only thing that can replace Katie is Katie."
"Haven't you been listening?! I
know that! That's what I'm trying to do, Gabby. I want Katie back in my life!"
"I realize that but what I'm suggesting is that you stop. You should just move on."
"I can't move on. I want Katie."
Gabby just sat back in her chair, thinking things over. I hate that she's trying to change my mind about getting Katie back, but I can't just leave. I need her to help me. It'll never be accomplished without a close friend of Katie's and all the other ones hate me. Gabby at least talks to me and she's the only branch I have left.
"I'm begging you, Katie."
"Fine. I'll help. But you can't tell anyone about this. If word gets back to Katie, she'll never talk to me again."
"Deal! Thank you so much, Gabby."
"I'll devise a plan after I talk to Katie and see where she stands with Jack."
"Why after you talk to her?"
"Because I need to find out how attached she is to the boy so I know how hard we have to work to tear them apart. Look, I know what I'm doing. If you think you're just going to question me the whole time, you can just forget this whole thing."
"Fine, I'm sorry. Do what you need to."
I sat back in my chair, too, twiddling my thumbs. I hate apologizing for anything and I also hate when people think they're smarter than me. Making a deal with Gabby is like selling my soul because she'll never let me forget it.
As the bell rang, Gabby scattered to pick up all of the skeleton pieces and neatly place them in the bin. I just got up and left with my folders. Maybe I would run into Katie since I'm leaving from the library instead of Health class.
.......................
When the bell finally rang dismissing us for the day, I was so reluctant to get up from my desk that I almost didn't. There's only one way I can go to get to the bus on time. Unfortunately, I see Katie holding hands with that buffoon every. Single. Day. And it kills me every single time. Sometimes, it's just a quick death as they hurry past me, eager to leave. But some days, I swear she sees my coming and she picks his arm up and drapes it around her shoulder, leaning into him as best as she can while still walking at his pace. Today was one of those days. I feel half-nauseated as I sit down in the smelly leather seat at the back of the bus. Three seats in front of me, Katie's ex-best friend sits and talks about how much she wants to punch Katie in the face. If I wouldn't be trying to keep my feelings a secret, I'd jump up and smack her across the face for even thinking about harming a hair on Katie's head. But, just like every day, I just sit there, gritting my teeth. Before I could put my earbuds in, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
From:263-977-3464
Msg: Meeting with
Katie tonight.
I don't know how Gabby got my number but I'm going to kill whoever gave it to her. Even if we are working together, I don't want to talk to her more than I have to. And something tells me that Gabby is the kind of texter that doesn't stop until her phone battery dies.
To:263-977-3464
Msg: Who gave u
my # ?
From:263-977-3464
Msg: Katie
To:263-977-3464
Msg: Y the hell did u
ask her?
From:263-977-3464
Msg: Easy killer - told
her it was for health proj
To:263-977-3464
Msg: Wait! How does she? I
changed #s since
break up ...
From:263-977-3464
Msg: How am I supposed
to know?
I just put my phone back in my pocket, not bothering to respond. What does it mean if your ex-girlfriend, who acts like she hates you, has your new number in her phone? I reached into my pocket and got my phone back out. From my messaging menu, I chose to compose a new message, to a number that is no longer in my phone. I didn’t need to list her as a contact because I’ve had all ten digits memorized since the day she gave them to me.
To:263-387-5648
Msg: Hey stranger
I swallowed hard as I hit the S key. Slowly, my finger moved toward the Send button. I just read both words over and over again, torn. I want to send the message and open up new possibilities to friendships with Katie but, on the other hand, I assume she hates me and that’s the way I want to keep it. If I assume it, there’s room for me to be wrong. However, if I send that message and find out that she actually does hate me, there’s no room to hope that she doesn’t. I hit the End key and my phone went back to the home screen. A black balloon appeared in the bottom middle of the screen saying ‘Message Saved in Drafts’. In my drafts folder it will stay until I feel that it’s safe to send.
Hurry, Katie.
…………………..
The next day, right after English class ended, I walked to health a little quicker than I usually do. No particular reason, I mean I know walking faster won’t mean I’ll see Katie and sooner or longer. After my conversation with Gabby the Spy, it’s more exciting to see Katie alone. Even if the plan wasn’t underway, yet, it was still going to happen eventually.
Right after I slapped my folders down, I watched the clock. 9:03. I take a deep breath to try to calm the flipping feeling in my stomach. I swallow and bite my lip, not taking my eyes off the clock. 9:04….
“Matthew!!! I have neeeeews!” Gabby walked over and started to talk really fast, I could hardly understand a single word she was saying.
“I can’t talk right now, Gabby.”
“Why not?”
9:04 and thirty seconds….
“Come on, Matt, don’t you want to hear what Katie said?”
“Yes, but in two minutes, I’ll be dying to know.”
9:05! I power-walked to the door and listened as Katie’s laugh decorated the lockers. I calmly walked toward the water fountain, dipped down, and took a small sip. When I stood up, I almost tripped over my own feet out of surprise. Usually, she walks right past me and continues on her way to Accounting. But today, she was standing right next to me, watching me as I caught the drips of water on their way down my chin. All I could do was stand there frozen.
“Matthew, come on!” Gabby pulled me by the shirt across the hallway, cutting off a bunch of seniors giggling about something.
I looked behind me as Katie dipped down to get a drink, her soft brown hair falling into the water. She stood up and started to walk away. I watched her until she was out of sight, quietly begging her to turn around and glance at me, just to acknowledge my existence.
“You are absolutely pathetic!”
“What? Why?”
“You get to class early and watch the clock, just so you can go get a drink and watch her walk down the hallway.”
“No I don’t. What are you—“
“Don’t even! I know you do.”
“Okay…so what if I do?”
“Honestly, I can’t believe you sit there and watch for her every single day but you can’t even talk to her? Have you said anything to her at all?”
“Since….”
“Since….the break up?!”
“Well, yeah! We just talked in September.”
“…What did you guys talk about?”
I kind of don’t want to tell her. It’s probably important information because it could help her configure a plan but I’m so ashamed of it, I just don’t want to relive the guilt. When it happened, I was sure of myself because I had Misty. I didn’t care about what Katie thought or felt because I didn’t need her in my life. But, now that I want her back, I feel like a humongous idiot for saying what I sasid.
“Matthew, it’s imperative that you tell me.”
“Well, she came at me all mad because of rumors I was spreading and I told her to leave me along, using a word that makes a PG-13 movie turn Rated R…”
“Oh yeah…”
“She told you?”
“No. She called Brenda crying right after she left and me and Brenda went over to talk to her. I can’t believe you told people that you broke up with Katie because she cheated. You know she would never do that to you after everything her mom did. Seriously? And then all she did was calmly approach you to tell you to stop lying and you told her to F off? Really? How was that going to help you now?”
“I didn’t want her back then. I was happy with Misty and I didn’t give a flying fu—“
“You better watch it!”
“I didn’t care what Katie said. I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings or anything. Who cares?”
“Well, you do now. But since when is it ever a good idea to treat someone like that?”
“Oh please. You know damn well that I don’t care about sparing people’s feelings.”
“Alright well…whatever.”
“So…do you think she knows anything? You know, based on my habit?”
“Probably…”
“Well did she say anything about it last night?”
“Oh…I was trying to tell you about this earlier. I have the conversation recorded.”
“You what?!?”
“You’ll see…”
She took out her cell phone and pushed some buttons on the screen before giving it to me. Before I could hear anything, Mrs. Diablo clapped her hands together and told us all to begin working. Gabby threw her hand in the air again and started to speak but was interrupted.
“Go ahead, Gabby,” Mrs. Diablo drew out.
With a huff, Gabby gathered her belongings and began to shuffle toward the door. I got up and followed her. As we stood out in the hallway, I realized that she didn’t have the annoying purple bin with her. I started to walk back into the classroom to get it.
“Where are you going?”
“We forgot our supplies in the class. I’m going to go get them.”
“Oh please.”
She threw her handbag over her shoulder and flipped her hair, snobbishly. She started to strut down the hallway and suddenly stopped. Pulling a lanyard out of the front pocket in her purse, she separates a locker key and opens a nearby locker. Inside is a completely assembled skeletal diagram.
“Um, Gabby, the project isn’t due for another two weeks.”
“Yeah, maybe the skeleton project isn’t, but we have another project to work on. At least this one is finished and out of the way.”
She slammed the door and turned on a heel, heading toward the library. I smiled to myself and followed her, shuffling my feet. Before we turned a corner, I looked behind me and glanced in every single direction before continuing. There’s always a chance Katie went to the bathroom or something. Not today. I sighed and kept walking. In the library, Gabby slapped her books down and looked around. Mr. Casenzo hates modern technology of any kind in the library.
“We can’t do this here, Gabby. He’ll just get mad and give you detention or something.”
“The clock says 9:14. In just thirty seconds, he’s going to walk out the doors and he won’t return until 9:30.”
I looked at him. Under his arm, he was gathering magazines and started to rearrange his desk to make it look somewhat neat. When the clock struck 9:15, he started to walk toward the door. As he finally opened it and disappeared out, I realized I was holding my breath. Gabby handed me the phone and I reached to press the play button.
Katie: Why are you recording this?
Gabby: I wanted to talk to you about the Book Club. This way I can remember what we discuss.
Katie: Oh, alright.
Gabby: So, how have you been? We haven’t talked in forever.
Katie: Yeah I know.
Gabby: So what have you been up to?
Katie: Just school, Jack, and work.
Gabby: Oh, I had no idea you had a job.
Katie: It’s new. I was just hired about two months ago. I get soooo many hours. It feels like I don’t have time to do anything else.
Gabby: Where is it?
Katie: The new ice cream shop on Broad street.
Gabby: Oh I haven’t been in there, yet.
Katie: I work all the time. You should stop in and see me.
Gabby: Sounds good! If I can catch a break.
Katie: What’s been going on with you?
Gabby: Oh, just nonstop projects in basically every class.
Katie: Oh, yeah I saw you in the library today working on the Skeleton project. I had to do one of those.
Gabby: Is it difficult?
Katie: Well, the teacher makes it out to be, but if you look on the areas where the bones connect, you’ll see tiny numbers. They go in order from big toe to thumb. Following the numbers helps you finish in one class period. That’s what my partner and I did.
Gabby: Oh, I’m working with Matt.
Katie: Yeah I saw.
From the tone in her voice, I could almost see her rolling her eyes. I guess I was right about how much she hates me. I started to put the cell phone down and push my chair out to walk away when Gabby put her hand on my arm to stop me. She rewound to the place that I stopped listening. She motioned for me to stop and just listen. I obeyed because she knew what else happened in the conversation; I had no idea.
Gabby: Still hate him?
Katie: ...Mmmm no.
Gabby: Really? Why not?
Katie: I don’t hate him. I don’t even dislike him.
Gabby: Well what do you feel?
Katie: I don’t know...
Gabby: Do you still love him?
Katie: No, I don’t even like him. Does that make any kind of sense?
Gabby: Yeah, kind of.
Katie: I don’t feel anything anymore. Like I see him and he’s just another person. He mixes in with everyone else.
Gabby: Think you guys could ever be friends?
Katie: I have no problem with him. He’s the one with the problem.
Gabby: Sooo...
Katie: If he can, I can.
I just looked at Gabby. She had a pleased look on her face while I was just confused. I made eye contact with her and her smile fell.
“You know what this means?”
“What what means?”
“First of all, she only mentioned Jack once, and it was just his name. No details. And secondly, she doesn’t hate you.”
“Yeeeaaahhh...”
“That’s great news! Why aren’t you excited?”
I just hung my head and didn’t answer.
“Matty, she wouldn’t just up and confess a hidden love for you during our first conversation in months. She didn’t even talk about Jack.”
“Were there any hints on her face when she talked about me? Anything that could give away any hidden feelings?”
“Not really, no. She had a glimmer in her eyes when I said your name.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that she had a glimmer in her eyes when I said your name.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thi—“
Before I could finish asking the question, Gabby’s eyes grew wide and she put her finger up to her mouth, motioning me to stop talking. I shot her a puzzled glance so she twitched her head toward the door. Katie was bent over the sign-in sheet, not aware of the secret meeting. My heart started to pound at the sight of her, but it sank like the Titanic when Jack appeared in the doorway behind her. While Katie’s opinion of me still remains a mystery, I know for a fact that her boyfriend can’t stand the sight of me. He put his hand on the back of Katie’s neck and massaged it with his thumb. Something inside me wanted to throw up. She stood up and started to walk to a bookshelf when Gabby yelled her name. I probably could have thrown Gabby the Spy into a few bookcases for it.
“Katie! Come here!”
Katie looked and started to head in our direction. Jack started to walk away but then glanced over and saw me...which put a smirk on his face and he followed. I just looked up at Gabby, glaring at her, wishing I had never opened my mouth to her.
“Hey Gab...what’s up?”
“Oh nothing really. Just super bored.”
“I can imagine. Did you follow the directions I told you for the skeleton project?”
“Sure did! It’s hanging in my locker all assembled and put together.”
“Oh, so why are you guys here, then?”
A huge lump formed in my throat. I had no idea what Gabby was thinking and I sure hoped it wasn’t even crossing her mind to tell the truth.
“Just doing some research.”
I couldn’t breathe as I watched Katie glance down at the table and see nothing but a cell phone and some spare folders. A look went across her face, signaling that she knew something wasn’t right. She licked her lips and pursed them, looking right at me. I felt like a kindergartner getting a look from a teacher saying I’m in trouble. But she didn’t say anything. She just nodded her head, took Jack’s hand, and walked to a table on the other side of the library. Jack watched me as she dragged him away. When his eyes were focused on his beautiful companion again, I looked back at Gabby.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” I whispered with as much quiet anger as possible.
“Oh please. If I would have ignored her and pretended not to notice her, she really would have known something’s up. Stop being so paranoid. She doesn’t care about you or what we’re doing. She’s happy where she is.”Her face filled with regret for saying it.
“Oh...”
“I’m sorry, Matt. I really am.”
“Did she say that?”
“No, no no! She didn’t say anything like that. I just didn’t think about what words I was using. I’m sorry. I have no idea what she thinks of you right now.”
Katie got up from her table and walked in our direction. She pulled Gabby by the elbow in between some bookshelves and out of my view. Jack ripped into me with his dark eyes and tried to kill me with just the thoughts in his head. Part of me was worried about what he would do if I stood up and followed them and then part of me didn’t care. That part won as I stood up and tip-toed to the shelf behind them and carefully listened.
“If something’s going on, I think you should tell me, Gabby.”
“Come on, what do you think is going on?”
“I don’t know much. I just know that something’s up. And I hate that you’re hiding it.”
“Katie...”
I walked around to them and thought of an ingenious plan. I threw my arm around Gabby’s neck and she just looked up at me, with her eyes screaming ‘What are you doing’?
“Gab, baby, let’s just tell her.”
“Are you serious?”
“Katie, truth is, I like Gabby and Gabby likes me. We want your blessing to go out.”
“Fine. You have my blessing.”
She turned on her heel and walked away, not showing any kind of positive or negative reaction to it. When she was out of view, the rage of Gabby the Spy burned my arm off her shoulder.
“Matthew you are some kind of crazy if you think I’m going to go along with this.”
“Please?”
“And how do you plan on getting Gabby back if you’re in a relationship with me?”
“Double dates, alone time, guilt, it’ll work.”
I heard footsteps coming closer so I just put my hands on Gabby’s neck and pulled her close to me. I felt her arms wrap around my waist and I just leaned down as close as I could to her lips, hoping she would follow suit. I felt her soft lips on mine. We heard a gasp and we looked up. Katie looked absolutely horrified.
“Your phone was ringing...I thought I’d bring it to you.”
“Oh, thank you.”
Gabby reached out to take the phone and then walked away to listen to the voicemail, leaving the two of us standing there alone. At first, Katie just stood there. I’d give anything to read her mind at that moment. I saw her swallow and then look down at her feet. When she looked back up, I saw watery brown eyes looking into my soul, something that used to give me a heartache now broke my heart completely. I wanted so badly to reach out and wrap her tight in my arms and give her a place to cry. But that’s Jack’s job now and he’d kill me if he knew I was even considering it. Speaking of the devil, he walked up behind his girlfriend and she turned around. His face went from confused to loving to angry, all in thirty seconds as he looked away from mourning eyes of chocolate to me, the scum of the earth. I could tell he wanted nothing more than to toss me through one of the windows to my death, but he just stroked Katie’s hair, pulling her away gently. Soon, I was the only one standing among the shelves of Section 100, religion.
……………………
The rest of the day, I can't keep my mind on a tight enough leash. As soon as I stop paying attention in class, my thoughts wonder to the library this morning. Even though the conversation between Gabby and Katie didn't sound very promising, the tears welling up in her eyes must have meant something. If anything, it meant she was lying when she told Gabby I was just another person. She wouldn't have just cried unless it meant something to her that Gabby and I would be dating. Just a few months ago, seeing her in tears would have made me laugh and given me some sense of pride, a feeling like I'm on top and I'm winning. Every time I close my eyes and see it, though, I just feel my heart fall and crumple to a million pieces. Even though it was a good sign toward my goal of trying to get her back, it feels so bad. I never meant to make her cry but I honestly felt nothing but hate from her since the day we broke up. This is what I wanted, though... right?
As the bell rings at the end of the day, I head to my locker and throw all my books in and slam the door shut before anything can fall out. Before I can walk away and start heading toward the buses, Gabby appears out of no where.
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