Friday, December 18, 2015
Back in the day
As soon as I get to school, I search the quad for Nathan, my boyfriend of less than a month. I hope it's too early for him to be surrounded by friends as I search the crowd for him because I know he isn't going to like what I have to say. Things were going great for us for the first week or two but lately, I've been thinking and I've decided that there's someone else I want to be with. Part of me thinks I should keep my feelings for a certain long time friend under wraps, just in case he doesn't feel the same way. After all, it isn't work sacrificing our friendship. However, one thing I realized for sure is that it isn't fair to keep a relationship with Nathan when I'd rather be with someone else, whether I actually can be with that other person or not. Being unsuccessful in my search for Nathan, I stop and stand in one place and move my eyes around the group of teenagers. Before I can spot Nathan, I see a head of blonde curls at the bottom of the stairs laughing with his friends. It's Wes. I met him in eighth grade and had the biggest crush on him. It wasn't like all the other crushes I've had, either. He was different and my feelings for him were different. I didn't just think he was cute and got flustered around him, I wanted to get to know him and be a part of his life.
Waiting for Nathan to appear, I stand and watch Wes and wish I were a major part of his life and were standing down there with him and his friends, laughing along to the jokes and standing with his friends' girlfriends. I've never seen Wes with girls and I'm not even sure he's into dating. All I know for sure is that it isn't fair to Nathan to be with him when I would rather be with someone else. Wes glances around him and happens to look up in my direction. When he catches me staring, I don't bother looking away. Our eyes lock and I can't help but smile, speaking a secret language he's probably never heard before. He turns his attention to a friend that starts talking to him but I don't look away. In between his friend's sentences, Wes glances back up at me, probably wondering if I'm still staring. I am.
"Hey, hot stuff! What are you doing out here?" Nathan comes up behind me and talks low into my ear.
It must be kind of odd that I'm out here before school starts. When the buses get here, there's usually about twenty minutes to kill before the bell rings and we're allowed to go to lockers and head to our first classes. There are certain areas around the school we're permitted to be before the bell. Some kids go to the cafeteria and clutter up the tables or get some breakfast. Some athletes go down to the locker rooms and gym to get their belongings ready for practice after school. A lot of people stand outside, no matter the temperature and mostly just huddle in different groups of friends. A very small group, my group of friends, to be exact, go inside to the library. Sometimes other kids go to the library to get some research done before school or to finish up a report before class. The librarians don't really like anyone to be there if they aren't working on schoolwork but my friends and I are in the library getting new books every chance we get and the librarians know we aren't trouble so they let us stay. Every morning, that's where I go with my best friend, Victoria and our other friends. When I first got in this morning, I left my stuff with her in the library and told her my plans. She didn't want to go along just in case things got intense but she applauded my decision. Ever since she heard Nathan's name leave my mouth, she's been against our relationship. She doesn't think he's a good guy and she really doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't know about all that because I don't separate people into good, better, and best but either way, things with Nathan and me aren't going to work if I'm interested in someone else. For once, Victoria approves of Wes, though. She says he's much better because he's polite and he doesn't act like an imbecile. I've never really based my life around her opinions but this time, it's great to have her approval. I just wish she would be by my side right now.
I turn around and give Nathan a half hug but avoid his eyes. Instantly, he can tell something is wrong and the smile melts off his face and is replaced by a look of concern.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just... uh... Can we talk for a second?"
"Sure..."
We slide to an empty spot in the courtyard and some of our acquaintances glance at us suspiciously.
"Look, Nathan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I know we just started dating and these past few weeks have been... But I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
Not sure what to do or where to go, I stand in front of him, letting the words sink in. He doesn't look at me, just stares down at his boots and I can see his emotions go from shock to anger to sad to livid to embarrassed and back to shock. I know he has to say something and I can't just walk away from him after saying something like that. I know I blindsided him and he probably has questions but he doesn't move, he doesn't look up, and he doesn't say a word.
"Nathan..."
"It's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. Just go. Please."
I turn my head back in Wes's direction. His whole group of friends are watching the entire thing. Nathan and Wes have mutual friends and I think they're even decent friends themselves. I don't want to hurt Nathan and I definitely didn't want to embarrass him but I can't worry about his feelings when mine are at stake. At the bottom of the steps, most of the eyes are on Nathan but two beautiful blue eyes are on me and I know it's my chance. I take another look at Nathan and sense the anger in his demeanor but back away and head down the steps. The looks on his friends' faces are a mixture of confusion, surprise, and concern. The closer I get, the more red Wes's face gets and I know I'm probably embarrassing him, too. He's always been shy. When I get to the bottom and I'm standing in front of Wes, at least a foot shorter than him, it feels so great to look in his eyes and know for the first time that I'm going to tell him how I feel and it might go somewhere. I might walk away with the boy I've wanted to be with for two and a half years.
"Wes. Hi." My brain goes on strike and stops manufacturing words at the worst possible moment.
He just looks down at me, into my eyes. I think I might just walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened but with all these eyes on me and Nathan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head especially, it's obvious that everyone knows why I'm standing here and I might as well get it out.
"Wes... I... um... I've liked you since middle school. And, um, we've become great friends over the years. I never wanted to do or say anything that would mess that up but I can't be with anyone else knowing that I have feelings for you. It isn't fair to them, ya know. So, I guess, I'm wondering if you'd want to go out and see if you like me, too..."
My heart pounds as his face gets even redder than before. The seconds slip by and feel like hours. Inside the glass doors, I notice the bell won't save me for at least five more minutes. I'm going to have to stand here until he says something and who knows if he will. Wes glances around him. He looks to the top of the stairs and looks at Nathan. I don't take my eyes off of him. Finally, I see him take a deep breath as if the wheels in his head need some energy to move and produce a sentence.
"I... don't know what... to... say..."
I look down at my shoes, feeling absolutely crushed. I slowly start to nod my head and back away from him. He feels as though he looks bad. I smile and he opens his mouth as if he has more words to say but no words come out.
"That's okay. You don't have to say anything, I get it. I just wanted to take a chance and see what happened. It's okay."
I turn around and walk back up the stairs. Nathan's mouth is hanging wide open but I'm sure he's loving the fact that Wes didn't take me into his arms and give me a romantic kiss like in all the movies. I'm sure he loves that I'm just as crushed as he is. That's okay. I tried. As I open the glass doors and let the cool air conditioning remove the sticky September morning heat, I think about all the reasons Nathan has given me to move on from him. Countless times, he's pressured me to do intimate things I'm not ready for. He has made comments about my appearance that weren't very nice. He's made fun of me for taking my grades so seriously and following the rules all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at other girls and verbally checked them out with his friends while I was sitting there. Truth be told, when no one else is around, he was a good guy to be with sometimes but sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially not if there's another relationship I'd rather be in. I smile as I walk past people I know but I don't stop to talk to anyone. I head through the halls with the library in my crosshairs. As soon as I walk through the doors, Victoria jumps up. She can tell by the look on my face that it didn't go well and waits a few classes before she asks me what happened. Lucky for me, we have all of our classes together - which is how we became best friends - and no matter where Nathan will pop up for the rest of the day, she'll be there. Giving me some time, she simply walks over to me and hugs me without a word. When the bell finally rings, we leave the library and head up the stairs to our lockers just three apart from each other. I notice new eyes on me as I wade through the rest of the student body and I try to keep my head down so I don't see Wes or one of his friends - especially Nathan. The coast is clear while we exchange our books for the ones we need and slam our doors shut. She then walks in front of me the whole way to our Geometry class. I'm kind of excited to go to Geometry because I know the teacher will be proud of me for finally breaking things off with Nathan. Before this morning, Nathan used to walk me to class every morning and the teacher would hear the rude things Nathan would say to me. Victoria usually lectured me in class about Nathan's behavior and Mr. Preisler would back her up and say that I shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Mr. Preisler has been one of the best teachers I've had throughout my entire high school career. He's nice to everyone and keeps the rowdy kids in line but he always has the best interest of his students in mind. I guess you could say he always stands up with the underdogs and he's one of the most respected teachers in the building. Before Victoria and I are safe in the classroom, I notice Wes standing at a locker nearby. I completely forgot his homeroom is Mr. Preisler and his locker is right outside. Thinking I can make it inside without being noticed by Wes or his friends, I put my head down and walk directly behind Victoria. I'm almost safe when I hear someone come up behind me.
"So I've been thinking..."
I take a deep breath, knowing this won't be good. Victoria takes my books and bag into the room to sit it on my desk and I slowly turn around to see Nathan looking back at me with crazy eyes. I have half a mind to wonder back in the room. I know Mr. Preisler won't let Nathan in the room. But hiding out from Nathan won't solve anything.
"I don't know why you think breaking up with me is a good idea."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on. You know you're not going to find anyone else to actually want to be with you."
My stomach begins to knot itself up, knowing Nathan isn't happy and he's going to take it out on my right now. I knew he had anger issues when he got mad but I was never the brunt of it. Now that I caused it, I'm about to see a side of him I'd only ever heard of. Nathan doesn't play nice when he isn't happy with someone. He's going to say anything and everything he can that he knows is going to get to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and take it and let him get it all out. It's the only way he'll be able to feel better and move on.
"I mean," he continues, "look at you. Who would want to be with you? Come on. Really? I only did because you seemed so desperate for someone. You're not even attractive. You're actually pretty ugly. Look at your teeth. Look at you."
A nearby teacher turns her head as Nathan's volume grows. I know she's going to step in, seeing as our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy. Nathan's anger gets worse when he sees I'm not affected.
"Nathan, that's fine that you feel that way. If I'm so ugly and you took such a change being with me, I guess you're free now, aren't you?"
"I guess I am. I'm single now and I'm going to find someone way better to be with. Someone I actually want to be with. I won't miss you at all. You're really pathetic. You're such a brown noser. and a nerd. If you have a B in something, you freak out because it isn't an A. And you're annoying. Hearing you talk is like hearing nails on a chalk board. No one likes you and I don't understand why I ever dated you."
"Okay, that's enough, get to class." The teacher tries to step in.
I hold my hand up to her and nod my head, motioning that I don't need her help.
"Nathan, I don't understand why you're still standing here."
He looks around and notices Wes standing nearby. I glance over and notice that absolutely everyone - Wes and his friends included - are standing around staring at Nathan and me. While everyone else is focused on Nathan since he's the one blowing up, Wes is looking at me with the most concerned look on his face. Nathan doesn't let that fact go unnoticed.
"Look, I know you think you're the coolest person ever but you're just not. And honestly, I was going to break up with you a while ago but didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I felt bad because I knew no one would ever want to be with you. So I stayed. So you can forget about this whole you breaking up with me thing because in reality, I wanted to break up first."
"Okay Nathan. Look, I know I hurt you and I know you'll never admit it in a million years and that's fine. My intentions weren't to hurt you okay. Don't roll your eyes at me, either, because if you weren't hurt, if you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't be standing here trying to make me feel like a horrible person."
"You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think would happen?"
"Honestly Nathan, I thought it would be worse if we stayed together and really started to like each other and then realized that we aren't right for each other. I don't care what you say or what you believe but you and I are not a good match. We're too different. And not even in an opposites attract kind of way. We aren't even opposites. We're just way too different to ever work. I thought breaking up after a few weeks would be much easier on both of us than getting to really know each other and breaking up after months of being together."
"That's bull. And you know it. You broke up with me to be with someone else."
Nathan starts to walk toward Wes and I feel like I might die of embarrassment all over again. It's bad enough Wes turned me down but now Nathan is going to use that against me to make himself feel better.
"Wes here doesn't want you. So you know what, you're stuck. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you for nothing. And you're not getting me back. So don't even try."
Other teachers turn their attention to our exchange and slowly inch closer. Nathan's smirk makes my blood boil and Wes's red face makes me infuriated. It's bad enough he had the nerve to treat me like a dog in front of an entire hallway of people but to bring Wes into something he's not involved in is taking things way too far.
"Okay Nathan, you know what? SHUTUP. I have never felt as insecure, unhappy, self conscious, lonely, and confined in my entire life than you have made me feel in the last three weeks. You treat me like I'm the luckiest person on the planet to be in a relationship with you but it's actually the opposite. You have been the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth and I have no idea why I put up with it. You have no idea how to treat girlfriends and you definitely have your priorities messed up. Stop making me feel bad for making a decision that's better for the both of us."
Nathan looks at the ground, unsure what to say. I cross my arms and stare him down. The warning bell rings, making everyone spring back to life and start rushing to their first classes. The teachers start to back off and Nathan starts to inch toward the stairwell that leads down to his first class. The hallway starts to thin out. Nathan's footsteps get bigger and bigger. He has one foot on the stairs, ready to leave. I can see him cooking up something else to say to make his exit that much more grand. I beat him to it.
"Nathan, hope you have a good day. Good life, for that matter. And, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to talk to me again until your first words are that you're sorry."
Without even a smirk, Nathan disappears down the stairs. Glancing at the clock in the hallway, I try to decide if I should take the last few minutes before class starts to head to the bathroom and calm down a bit but when I focus on my feelings, I realize I'm not really unnerved by the things he'd said. I feel fine and I actually feel a lot better knowing he didn't actually mean the things he said. It was all about how hurt he is. A teacher from down the hall approaches me, probably after watching the whole argument.
"I just wanted to ask if you were okay."
"Yeah, thanks I'm okay."
"What happened?"
"I broke up with him this morning and he didn't like it because it was partially because I like someone else and partially because he and I just aren't good together."
"You aren't good together? That's mature of you to realize."
"Well, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with either of us. Mashed potatoes are good and peanut butter is delicious but I wouldn't put the two together for any reason."
"Are you a writer?"
"I am. I love to write. How'd you know?"
"You seem great with words. I have a writing group after school and I think you'd be a great addition. It's after school..."
The teacher trails off talking and looks over my shoulder. I can tell that someone has walked up behind me and I guess it's Mr. Preisler asking if I'm coming to class.
"Well, we meet in the balcony right after school tomorrow. You should consider it."
The teacher backs away and offers a little wave as she heads toward her classroom. I turn around expecting to see Mr. Preisler and I about fall down when I see Wes looking down at me. My breath disappears and I feel more lightheaded than I've ever felt before. Neither of us say a word but I know he's thinking a lot of things. I hope he isn't standing here to give me a pity apology or anything but at the same time, I'm so glad I get to see his beautiful blue eyes again. His brown sweatshirt seems so comforting and I wish I could just hug him but that would be weird no matter what he has to say. Hugging Wes looks like it would be a dream, his strong arms wrapped around me, his warmth surrounding me. Wes says my name and his tone pops me out of my daydreams. I look into his eyes and he continues.
"About earlier..."
"No, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."
"You don't understand, though. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea you were going to say that. I was kind of caught off guard."
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect to approach you but I just saw you standing there and I thought it was a good idea. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I should have came up to you when you weren't with a bunch of people."
"Well... we're alone now. There's no one watching. And..."
"Yeah..." He has me so confused and I honestly have no idea where he's going to go with this.
"Look, I have thought of you as more than a friend before and I never said anything because I didn't want anything to happen to our friendship if we didn't work out. And I don't really know how the whole dating thing goes. I've never really thought about being in a relationship."
At this point, I feel like he's letting me down easy and I want nothing more than to disappear. My first instinct is to stand here and convince him that dating is a good idea but if I have to sell myself to him then it really won't be worth it to be with him because I'll always have to convince him why he should stay with me and that's not how a relationship should go.
"Look, I want to try things out because I really like you as a person and we get along so well but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Honestly, if we ever decided to be more than friends, I think we're both mature enough and considerate of other people's feelings that we wouldn't end on bad terms."
"Then let's go out."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes. I've always felt more than friendship for you but never said anything. I don't know how to do the whole dating thing but if you're patient with me I can figure it out. Honestly, I've never really thought any girls were worth all the hassle and I always thought you just liked me as friends."
"So... we're going out?"
"If you say yes..."
A major smile spreads across my face and he echoes.
Waiting for Nathan to appear, I stand and watch Wes and wish I were a major part of his life and were standing down there with him and his friends, laughing along to the jokes and standing with his friends' girlfriends. I've never seen Wes with girls and I'm not even sure he's into dating. All I know for sure is that it isn't fair to Nathan to be with him when I would rather be with someone else. Wes glances around him and happens to look up in my direction. When he catches me staring, I don't bother looking away. Our eyes lock and I can't help but smile, speaking a secret language he's probably never heard before. He turns his attention to a friend that starts talking to him but I don't look away. In between his friend's sentences, Wes glances back up at me, probably wondering if I'm still staring. I am.
"Hey, hot stuff! What are you doing out here?" Nathan comes up behind me and talks low into my ear.
It must be kind of odd that I'm out here before school starts. When the buses get here, there's usually about twenty minutes to kill before the bell rings and we're allowed to go to lockers and head to our first classes. There are certain areas around the school we're permitted to be before the bell. Some kids go to the cafeteria and clutter up the tables or get some breakfast. Some athletes go down to the locker rooms and gym to get their belongings ready for practice after school. A lot of people stand outside, no matter the temperature and mostly just huddle in different groups of friends. A very small group, my group of friends, to be exact, go inside to the library. Sometimes other kids go to the library to get some research done before school or to finish up a report before class. The librarians don't really like anyone to be there if they aren't working on schoolwork but my friends and I are in the library getting new books every chance we get and the librarians know we aren't trouble so they let us stay. Every morning, that's where I go with my best friend, Victoria and our other friends. When I first got in this morning, I left my stuff with her in the library and told her my plans. She didn't want to go along just in case things got intense but she applauded my decision. Ever since she heard Nathan's name leave my mouth, she's been against our relationship. She doesn't think he's a good guy and she really doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't know about all that because I don't separate people into good, better, and best but either way, things with Nathan and me aren't going to work if I'm interested in someone else. For once, Victoria approves of Wes, though. She says he's much better because he's polite and he doesn't act like an imbecile. I've never really based my life around her opinions but this time, it's great to have her approval. I just wish she would be by my side right now.
I turn around and give Nathan a half hug but avoid his eyes. Instantly, he can tell something is wrong and the smile melts off his face and is replaced by a look of concern.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just... uh... Can we talk for a second?"
"Sure..."
We slide to an empty spot in the courtyard and some of our acquaintances glance at us suspiciously.
"Look, Nathan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I know we just started dating and these past few weeks have been... But I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
Not sure what to do or where to go, I stand in front of him, letting the words sink in. He doesn't look at me, just stares down at his boots and I can see his emotions go from shock to anger to sad to livid to embarrassed and back to shock. I know he has to say something and I can't just walk away from him after saying something like that. I know I blindsided him and he probably has questions but he doesn't move, he doesn't look up, and he doesn't say a word.
"Nathan..."
"It's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. Just go. Please."
I turn my head back in Wes's direction. His whole group of friends are watching the entire thing. Nathan and Wes have mutual friends and I think they're even decent friends themselves. I don't want to hurt Nathan and I definitely didn't want to embarrass him but I can't worry about his feelings when mine are at stake. At the bottom of the steps, most of the eyes are on Nathan but two beautiful blue eyes are on me and I know it's my chance. I take another look at Nathan and sense the anger in his demeanor but back away and head down the steps. The looks on his friends' faces are a mixture of confusion, surprise, and concern. The closer I get, the more red Wes's face gets and I know I'm probably embarrassing him, too. He's always been shy. When I get to the bottom and I'm standing in front of Wes, at least a foot shorter than him, it feels so great to look in his eyes and know for the first time that I'm going to tell him how I feel and it might go somewhere. I might walk away with the boy I've wanted to be with for two and a half years.
"Wes. Hi." My brain goes on strike and stops manufacturing words at the worst possible moment.
He just looks down at me, into my eyes. I think I might just walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened but with all these eyes on me and Nathan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head especially, it's obvious that everyone knows why I'm standing here and I might as well get it out.
"Wes... I... um... I've liked you since middle school. And, um, we've become great friends over the years. I never wanted to do or say anything that would mess that up but I can't be with anyone else knowing that I have feelings for you. It isn't fair to them, ya know. So, I guess, I'm wondering if you'd want to go out and see if you like me, too..."
My heart pounds as his face gets even redder than before. The seconds slip by and feel like hours. Inside the glass doors, I notice the bell won't save me for at least five more minutes. I'm going to have to stand here until he says something and who knows if he will. Wes glances around him. He looks to the top of the stairs and looks at Nathan. I don't take my eyes off of him. Finally, I see him take a deep breath as if the wheels in his head need some energy to move and produce a sentence.
"I... don't know what... to... say..."
I look down at my shoes, feeling absolutely crushed. I slowly start to nod my head and back away from him. He feels as though he looks bad. I smile and he opens his mouth as if he has more words to say but no words come out.
"That's okay. You don't have to say anything, I get it. I just wanted to take a chance and see what happened. It's okay."
I turn around and walk back up the stairs. Nathan's mouth is hanging wide open but I'm sure he's loving the fact that Wes didn't take me into his arms and give me a romantic kiss like in all the movies. I'm sure he loves that I'm just as crushed as he is. That's okay. I tried. As I open the glass doors and let the cool air conditioning remove the sticky September morning heat, I think about all the reasons Nathan has given me to move on from him. Countless times, he's pressured me to do intimate things I'm not ready for. He has made comments about my appearance that weren't very nice. He's made fun of me for taking my grades so seriously and following the rules all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at other girls and verbally checked them out with his friends while I was sitting there. Truth be told, when no one else is around, he was a good guy to be with sometimes but sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially not if there's another relationship I'd rather be in. I smile as I walk past people I know but I don't stop to talk to anyone. I head through the halls with the library in my crosshairs. As soon as I walk through the doors, Victoria jumps up. She can tell by the look on my face that it didn't go well and waits a few classes before she asks me what happened. Lucky for me, we have all of our classes together - which is how we became best friends - and no matter where Nathan will pop up for the rest of the day, she'll be there. Giving me some time, she simply walks over to me and hugs me without a word. When the bell finally rings, we leave the library and head up the stairs to our lockers just three apart from each other. I notice new eyes on me as I wade through the rest of the student body and I try to keep my head down so I don't see Wes or one of his friends - especially Nathan. The coast is clear while we exchange our books for the ones we need and slam our doors shut. She then walks in front of me the whole way to our Geometry class. I'm kind of excited to go to Geometry because I know the teacher will be proud of me for finally breaking things off with Nathan. Before this morning, Nathan used to walk me to class every morning and the teacher would hear the rude things Nathan would say to me. Victoria usually lectured me in class about Nathan's behavior and Mr. Preisler would back her up and say that I shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Mr. Preisler has been one of the best teachers I've had throughout my entire high school career. He's nice to everyone and keeps the rowdy kids in line but he always has the best interest of his students in mind. I guess you could say he always stands up with the underdogs and he's one of the most respected teachers in the building. Before Victoria and I are safe in the classroom, I notice Wes standing at a locker nearby. I completely forgot his homeroom is Mr. Preisler and his locker is right outside. Thinking I can make it inside without being noticed by Wes or his friends, I put my head down and walk directly behind Victoria. I'm almost safe when I hear someone come up behind me.
"So I've been thinking..."
I take a deep breath, knowing this won't be good. Victoria takes my books and bag into the room to sit it on my desk and I slowly turn around to see Nathan looking back at me with crazy eyes. I have half a mind to wonder back in the room. I know Mr. Preisler won't let Nathan in the room. But hiding out from Nathan won't solve anything.
"I don't know why you think breaking up with me is a good idea."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on. You know you're not going to find anyone else to actually want to be with you."
My stomach begins to knot itself up, knowing Nathan isn't happy and he's going to take it out on my right now. I knew he had anger issues when he got mad but I was never the brunt of it. Now that I caused it, I'm about to see a side of him I'd only ever heard of. Nathan doesn't play nice when he isn't happy with someone. He's going to say anything and everything he can that he knows is going to get to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and take it and let him get it all out. It's the only way he'll be able to feel better and move on.
"I mean," he continues, "look at you. Who would want to be with you? Come on. Really? I only did because you seemed so desperate for someone. You're not even attractive. You're actually pretty ugly. Look at your teeth. Look at you."
A nearby teacher turns her head as Nathan's volume grows. I know she's going to step in, seeing as our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy. Nathan's anger gets worse when he sees I'm not affected.
"Nathan, that's fine that you feel that way. If I'm so ugly and you took such a change being with me, I guess you're free now, aren't you?"
"I guess I am. I'm single now and I'm going to find someone way better to be with. Someone I actually want to be with. I won't miss you at all. You're really pathetic. You're such a brown noser. and a nerd. If you have a B in something, you freak out because it isn't an A. And you're annoying. Hearing you talk is like hearing nails on a chalk board. No one likes you and I don't understand why I ever dated you."
"Okay, that's enough, get to class." The teacher tries to step in.
I hold my hand up to her and nod my head, motioning that I don't need her help.
"Nathan, I don't understand why you're still standing here."
He looks around and notices Wes standing nearby. I glance over and notice that absolutely everyone - Wes and his friends included - are standing around staring at Nathan and me. While everyone else is focused on Nathan since he's the one blowing up, Wes is looking at me with the most concerned look on his face. Nathan doesn't let that fact go unnoticed.
"Look, I know you think you're the coolest person ever but you're just not. And honestly, I was going to break up with you a while ago but didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I felt bad because I knew no one would ever want to be with you. So I stayed. So you can forget about this whole you breaking up with me thing because in reality, I wanted to break up first."
"Okay Nathan. Look, I know I hurt you and I know you'll never admit it in a million years and that's fine. My intentions weren't to hurt you okay. Don't roll your eyes at me, either, because if you weren't hurt, if you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't be standing here trying to make me feel like a horrible person."
"You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think would happen?"
"Honestly Nathan, I thought it would be worse if we stayed together and really started to like each other and then realized that we aren't right for each other. I don't care what you say or what you believe but you and I are not a good match. We're too different. And not even in an opposites attract kind of way. We aren't even opposites. We're just way too different to ever work. I thought breaking up after a few weeks would be much easier on both of us than getting to really know each other and breaking up after months of being together."
"That's bull. And you know it. You broke up with me to be with someone else."
Nathan starts to walk toward Wes and I feel like I might die of embarrassment all over again. It's bad enough Wes turned me down but now Nathan is going to use that against me to make himself feel better.
"Wes here doesn't want you. So you know what, you're stuck. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you for nothing. And you're not getting me back. So don't even try."
Other teachers turn their attention to our exchange and slowly inch closer. Nathan's smirk makes my blood boil and Wes's red face makes me infuriated. It's bad enough he had the nerve to treat me like a dog in front of an entire hallway of people but to bring Wes into something he's not involved in is taking things way too far.
"Okay Nathan, you know what? SHUTUP. I have never felt as insecure, unhappy, self conscious, lonely, and confined in my entire life than you have made me feel in the last three weeks. You treat me like I'm the luckiest person on the planet to be in a relationship with you but it's actually the opposite. You have been the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth and I have no idea why I put up with it. You have no idea how to treat girlfriends and you definitely have your priorities messed up. Stop making me feel bad for making a decision that's better for the both of us."
Nathan looks at the ground, unsure what to say. I cross my arms and stare him down. The warning bell rings, making everyone spring back to life and start rushing to their first classes. The teachers start to back off and Nathan starts to inch toward the stairwell that leads down to his first class. The hallway starts to thin out. Nathan's footsteps get bigger and bigger. He has one foot on the stairs, ready to leave. I can see him cooking up something else to say to make his exit that much more grand. I beat him to it.
"Nathan, hope you have a good day. Good life, for that matter. And, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to talk to me again until your first words are that you're sorry."
Without even a smirk, Nathan disappears down the stairs. Glancing at the clock in the hallway, I try to decide if I should take the last few minutes before class starts to head to the bathroom and calm down a bit but when I focus on my feelings, I realize I'm not really unnerved by the things he'd said. I feel fine and I actually feel a lot better knowing he didn't actually mean the things he said. It was all about how hurt he is. A teacher from down the hall approaches me, probably after watching the whole argument.
"I just wanted to ask if you were okay."
"Yeah, thanks I'm okay."
"What happened?"
"I broke up with him this morning and he didn't like it because it was partially because I like someone else and partially because he and I just aren't good together."
"You aren't good together? That's mature of you to realize."
"Well, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with either of us. Mashed potatoes are good and peanut butter is delicious but I wouldn't put the two together for any reason."
"Are you a writer?"
"I am. I love to write. How'd you know?"
"You seem great with words. I have a writing group after school and I think you'd be a great addition. It's after school..."
The teacher trails off talking and looks over my shoulder. I can tell that someone has walked up behind me and I guess it's Mr. Preisler asking if I'm coming to class.
"Well, we meet in the balcony right after school tomorrow. You should consider it."
The teacher backs away and offers a little wave as she heads toward her classroom. I turn around expecting to see Mr. Preisler and I about fall down when I see Wes looking down at me. My breath disappears and I feel more lightheaded than I've ever felt before. Neither of us say a word but I know he's thinking a lot of things. I hope he isn't standing here to give me a pity apology or anything but at the same time, I'm so glad I get to see his beautiful blue eyes again. His brown sweatshirt seems so comforting and I wish I could just hug him but that would be weird no matter what he has to say. Hugging Wes looks like it would be a dream, his strong arms wrapped around me, his warmth surrounding me. Wes says my name and his tone pops me out of my daydreams. I look into his eyes and he continues.
"About earlier..."
"No, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."
"You don't understand, though. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea you were going to say that. I was kind of caught off guard."
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect to approach you but I just saw you standing there and I thought it was a good idea. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I should have came up to you when you weren't with a bunch of people."
"Well... we're alone now. There's no one watching. And..."
"Yeah..." He has me so confused and I honestly have no idea where he's going to go with this.
"Look, I have thought of you as more than a friend before and I never said anything because I didn't want anything to happen to our friendship if we didn't work out. And I don't really know how the whole dating thing goes. I've never really thought about being in a relationship."
At this point, I feel like he's letting me down easy and I want nothing more than to disappear. My first instinct is to stand here and convince him that dating is a good idea but if I have to sell myself to him then it really won't be worth it to be with him because I'll always have to convince him why he should stay with me and that's not how a relationship should go.
"Look, I want to try things out because I really like you as a person and we get along so well but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Honestly, if we ever decided to be more than friends, I think we're both mature enough and considerate of other people's feelings that we wouldn't end on bad terms."
"Then let's go out."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes. I've always felt more than friendship for you but never said anything. I don't know how to do the whole dating thing but if you're patient with me I can figure it out. Honestly, I've never really thought any girls were worth all the hassle and I always thought you just liked me as friends."
"So... we're going out?"
"If you say yes..."
A major smile spreads across my face and he echoes.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Wake Up Call
Today, I woke up somewhat on time. I got out of bed, I walked down the hall to use the bathroom, noticed mom was in the bathroom and walked down the stairs to the other bathroom as I muttered to myself about how I can't wait to move out, and I sat down to relieve myself. Being tired and not wanting to just go and get right back up, I sat there for a few extra seconds, maybe even a minute, and I looked around the bathroom. I checked to see if any spiders were hiding in the nooks and crannies. I checked to see if there was any socks left behind after a load of laundry. That's when I noticed what was sitting on top of the washing machine. I guess the washer and dryer and some kind of a storage area for things that have no where else to go and that's how the bathroom scale ended up there. I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know why I didn't just pan over it and then go about my business for the day, but I did. I looked right at it and I paid attention to it, and a false sense of confidence told me to jump on there and see how much weight I've lost since I last weighed myself. Lately, I've been eating whatever I wanted because my clothes have been fitting the same. I didn't think there would be any precautions for eating what I'd wanted because I was under some kind of impression that my body had hit a steady weight and it wouldn't move no matter what I ate. Well, I was wrong. My body weight is not steady. My confidence was out of no where and way out of line. And, at 7:20 in the morning, I woke up, for real.
I don't want to go into detail. There's an immense level of shame and guilt keeping me from admitting how high my number actually is. What I will say, though, is that I've hit a mark that I never thought I would hit. For the past two years, every time I weighed myself, I would feel kind of bad about the number but I'd make myself better by saying, "Oh, it's high but at least it isn't ###." Today, I couldn't say that because, by 0.8 lbs., I went past the weight of my worst nightmares.
I'll be honest, I got pretty mad at the scale at first. I picked it up, tossed it onto the washer where I found it and stomped up the steps. I became annoyed at mom when she tried to talk to me and seemed to be picking a fight. And I went upstairs and tried to go about my morning, ignoring what I just found out about myself. I made my bed, I talked baby-talk with the dog, and I looked in the mirror to do my makeup. That's when my self-conscious was through with denial. I looked in the mirror at the girl looking back at me and, not for the first time, I was disgusted. With the messy hair I'm too lazy to take care of and look after. With the double chin getting bigger and bigger. With the cheeks getting so big there's only a shadow of a face underneath. With the fat on the arms hanging down like wings. With the gut that gets forced into pants that try to slim it down. With the fat fingers that are outgrowing the engagement ring. With the fat legs that ruin pants from rubbing together. With the fat calves that make buying boots of any kind nearly impossible. And, even with the fat feet, that have bunions at twenty years old because no shoes fit right on a foot that fat. I was disgusted. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and had an actual conversation with myself. I poked around at the double chin that seemed to have grown since I last paid attention to it. I poked the arm fat that wiggled around in protest. I put my pants on and observed the way my gut makes the pants look miserable and punished. And I decided I can't keep doing this.
As I continued to get ready with a new take on my body image, my mind raced in all kinds of directions. I thought about how this would be a bad time to be healthy because there's a whole bunch of leftover Chinese food in the fridge from last night's dinner. That's when I stopped myself and realized that I make too many excuses and that's how I wedged myself in this position in the first place. Just because Chinese food is there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Even if I want some, I need to set aside a small portion and not eat until it feels like my stomach is going to burst open. After I got some makeup on and started to pick out my outfit for the day, I thought about how it really is a bad time to be embarking on this journey because of the holidays coming up and how people get offended if you don't eat their desserts. But you know, that's when I thought more about it and realized that anyone in my family knows I've had a weight problem since I was a kid. If I decide to not eat their desserts one year because I'm trying to better myself as a person then I think they'd be a little less offended by it. Honestly the holidays will probably be more enjoyable this year if I decide not to eat myself sick and constantly want to take a nap. Maybe if I take it easy on the food I'll have a better time. Maybe just generally in life, if I stop eating so much and being lazy because I ate too much, things in life will start to pick up.
I finished up my morning walking to the kitchen after brushing my teeth and deciding that I'm going to have to take this journey one meal at a time. Some days when I'm home and can snack, I'm going to have to take it one hour at a time. There will be mistakes, there will be cheat days, and I will disappoint myself. Honestly, though, I need to take control. It would be great to look at current pictures of myself and think that I look great instead of deleting all but one because I feel that I look terrible. I don't want to look at pictures of my in ninth and tenth grade and wish I still looked that way. It's time to do something about my weight once and for all. It won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and self control but I have to start now. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and not some sort of lumpy frumpy one they make for plus sized brides. I don't want to have to spend tons of money on clothes because the only high end clothing stores for plus sized women are expensive. I don't want to hate being intimate with Wes because I feel insecure about how I look.
Lately, Wes has been giving up soda. You used to see him fill a trash bag with empty soda cans in a few days. Lately, he's been drinking a lot of water and I've noticed it becoming a natural thing. He doesn't even think about it anymore. He has soda he could drink, he just reaches for water instead. His face has been clearing up a lot and he seems to have more energy.
I don't want to go into detail. There's an immense level of shame and guilt keeping me from admitting how high my number actually is. What I will say, though, is that I've hit a mark that I never thought I would hit. For the past two years, every time I weighed myself, I would feel kind of bad about the number but I'd make myself better by saying, "Oh, it's high but at least it isn't ###." Today, I couldn't say that because, by 0.8 lbs., I went past the weight of my worst nightmares.
I'll be honest, I got pretty mad at the scale at first. I picked it up, tossed it onto the washer where I found it and stomped up the steps. I became annoyed at mom when she tried to talk to me and seemed to be picking a fight. And I went upstairs and tried to go about my morning, ignoring what I just found out about myself. I made my bed, I talked baby-talk with the dog, and I looked in the mirror to do my makeup. That's when my self-conscious was through with denial. I looked in the mirror at the girl looking back at me and, not for the first time, I was disgusted. With the messy hair I'm too lazy to take care of and look after. With the double chin getting bigger and bigger. With the cheeks getting so big there's only a shadow of a face underneath. With the fat on the arms hanging down like wings. With the gut that gets forced into pants that try to slim it down. With the fat fingers that are outgrowing the engagement ring. With the fat legs that ruin pants from rubbing together. With the fat calves that make buying boots of any kind nearly impossible. And, even with the fat feet, that have bunions at twenty years old because no shoes fit right on a foot that fat. I was disgusted. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and had an actual conversation with myself. I poked around at the double chin that seemed to have grown since I last paid attention to it. I poked the arm fat that wiggled around in protest. I put my pants on and observed the way my gut makes the pants look miserable and punished. And I decided I can't keep doing this.
As I continued to get ready with a new take on my body image, my mind raced in all kinds of directions. I thought about how this would be a bad time to be healthy because there's a whole bunch of leftover Chinese food in the fridge from last night's dinner. That's when I stopped myself and realized that I make too many excuses and that's how I wedged myself in this position in the first place. Just because Chinese food is there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Even if I want some, I need to set aside a small portion and not eat until it feels like my stomach is going to burst open. After I got some makeup on and started to pick out my outfit for the day, I thought about how it really is a bad time to be embarking on this journey because of the holidays coming up and how people get offended if you don't eat their desserts. But you know, that's when I thought more about it and realized that anyone in my family knows I've had a weight problem since I was a kid. If I decide to not eat their desserts one year because I'm trying to better myself as a person then I think they'd be a little less offended by it. Honestly the holidays will probably be more enjoyable this year if I decide not to eat myself sick and constantly want to take a nap. Maybe if I take it easy on the food I'll have a better time. Maybe just generally in life, if I stop eating so much and being lazy because I ate too much, things in life will start to pick up.
I finished up my morning walking to the kitchen after brushing my teeth and deciding that I'm going to have to take this journey one meal at a time. Some days when I'm home and can snack, I'm going to have to take it one hour at a time. There will be mistakes, there will be cheat days, and I will disappoint myself. Honestly, though, I need to take control. It would be great to look at current pictures of myself and think that I look great instead of deleting all but one because I feel that I look terrible. I don't want to look at pictures of my in ninth and tenth grade and wish I still looked that way. It's time to do something about my weight once and for all. It won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and self control but I have to start now. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and not some sort of lumpy frumpy one they make for plus sized brides. I don't want to have to spend tons of money on clothes because the only high end clothing stores for plus sized women are expensive. I don't want to hate being intimate with Wes because I feel insecure about how I look.
Lately, Wes has been giving up soda. You used to see him fill a trash bag with empty soda cans in a few days. Lately, he's been drinking a lot of water and I've noticed it becoming a natural thing. He doesn't even think about it anymore. He has soda he could drink, he just reaches for water instead. His face has been clearing up a lot and he seems to have more energy.
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