Friday, December 18, 2015
Back in the day
As soon as I get to school, I search the quad for Nathan, my boyfriend of less than a month. I hope it's too early for him to be surrounded by friends as I search the crowd for him because I know he isn't going to like what I have to say. Things were going great for us for the first week or two but lately, I've been thinking and I've decided that there's someone else I want to be with. Part of me thinks I should keep my feelings for a certain long time friend under wraps, just in case he doesn't feel the same way. After all, it isn't work sacrificing our friendship. However, one thing I realized for sure is that it isn't fair to keep a relationship with Nathan when I'd rather be with someone else, whether I actually can be with that other person or not. Being unsuccessful in my search for Nathan, I stop and stand in one place and move my eyes around the group of teenagers. Before I can spot Nathan, I see a head of blonde curls at the bottom of the stairs laughing with his friends. It's Wes. I met him in eighth grade and had the biggest crush on him. It wasn't like all the other crushes I've had, either. He was different and my feelings for him were different. I didn't just think he was cute and got flustered around him, I wanted to get to know him and be a part of his life.
Waiting for Nathan to appear, I stand and watch Wes and wish I were a major part of his life and were standing down there with him and his friends, laughing along to the jokes and standing with his friends' girlfriends. I've never seen Wes with girls and I'm not even sure he's into dating. All I know for sure is that it isn't fair to Nathan to be with him when I would rather be with someone else. Wes glances around him and happens to look up in my direction. When he catches me staring, I don't bother looking away. Our eyes lock and I can't help but smile, speaking a secret language he's probably never heard before. He turns his attention to a friend that starts talking to him but I don't look away. In between his friend's sentences, Wes glances back up at me, probably wondering if I'm still staring. I am.
"Hey, hot stuff! What are you doing out here?" Nathan comes up behind me and talks low into my ear.
It must be kind of odd that I'm out here before school starts. When the buses get here, there's usually about twenty minutes to kill before the bell rings and we're allowed to go to lockers and head to our first classes. There are certain areas around the school we're permitted to be before the bell. Some kids go to the cafeteria and clutter up the tables or get some breakfast. Some athletes go down to the locker rooms and gym to get their belongings ready for practice after school. A lot of people stand outside, no matter the temperature and mostly just huddle in different groups of friends. A very small group, my group of friends, to be exact, go inside to the library. Sometimes other kids go to the library to get some research done before school or to finish up a report before class. The librarians don't really like anyone to be there if they aren't working on schoolwork but my friends and I are in the library getting new books every chance we get and the librarians know we aren't trouble so they let us stay. Every morning, that's where I go with my best friend, Victoria and our other friends. When I first got in this morning, I left my stuff with her in the library and told her my plans. She didn't want to go along just in case things got intense but she applauded my decision. Ever since she heard Nathan's name leave my mouth, she's been against our relationship. She doesn't think he's a good guy and she really doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't know about all that because I don't separate people into good, better, and best but either way, things with Nathan and me aren't going to work if I'm interested in someone else. For once, Victoria approves of Wes, though. She says he's much better because he's polite and he doesn't act like an imbecile. I've never really based my life around her opinions but this time, it's great to have her approval. I just wish she would be by my side right now.
I turn around and give Nathan a half hug but avoid his eyes. Instantly, he can tell something is wrong and the smile melts off his face and is replaced by a look of concern.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just... uh... Can we talk for a second?"
"Sure..."
We slide to an empty spot in the courtyard and some of our acquaintances glance at us suspiciously.
"Look, Nathan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I know we just started dating and these past few weeks have been... But I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
Not sure what to do or where to go, I stand in front of him, letting the words sink in. He doesn't look at me, just stares down at his boots and I can see his emotions go from shock to anger to sad to livid to embarrassed and back to shock. I know he has to say something and I can't just walk away from him after saying something like that. I know I blindsided him and he probably has questions but he doesn't move, he doesn't look up, and he doesn't say a word.
"Nathan..."
"It's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. Just go. Please."
I turn my head back in Wes's direction. His whole group of friends are watching the entire thing. Nathan and Wes have mutual friends and I think they're even decent friends themselves. I don't want to hurt Nathan and I definitely didn't want to embarrass him but I can't worry about his feelings when mine are at stake. At the bottom of the steps, most of the eyes are on Nathan but two beautiful blue eyes are on me and I know it's my chance. I take another look at Nathan and sense the anger in his demeanor but back away and head down the steps. The looks on his friends' faces are a mixture of confusion, surprise, and concern. The closer I get, the more red Wes's face gets and I know I'm probably embarrassing him, too. He's always been shy. When I get to the bottom and I'm standing in front of Wes, at least a foot shorter than him, it feels so great to look in his eyes and know for the first time that I'm going to tell him how I feel and it might go somewhere. I might walk away with the boy I've wanted to be with for two and a half years.
"Wes. Hi." My brain goes on strike and stops manufacturing words at the worst possible moment.
He just looks down at me, into my eyes. I think I might just walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened but with all these eyes on me and Nathan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head especially, it's obvious that everyone knows why I'm standing here and I might as well get it out.
"Wes... I... um... I've liked you since middle school. And, um, we've become great friends over the years. I never wanted to do or say anything that would mess that up but I can't be with anyone else knowing that I have feelings for you. It isn't fair to them, ya know. So, I guess, I'm wondering if you'd want to go out and see if you like me, too..."
My heart pounds as his face gets even redder than before. The seconds slip by and feel like hours. Inside the glass doors, I notice the bell won't save me for at least five more minutes. I'm going to have to stand here until he says something and who knows if he will. Wes glances around him. He looks to the top of the stairs and looks at Nathan. I don't take my eyes off of him. Finally, I see him take a deep breath as if the wheels in his head need some energy to move and produce a sentence.
"I... don't know what... to... say..."
I look down at my shoes, feeling absolutely crushed. I slowly start to nod my head and back away from him. He feels as though he looks bad. I smile and he opens his mouth as if he has more words to say but no words come out.
"That's okay. You don't have to say anything, I get it. I just wanted to take a chance and see what happened. It's okay."
I turn around and walk back up the stairs. Nathan's mouth is hanging wide open but I'm sure he's loving the fact that Wes didn't take me into his arms and give me a romantic kiss like in all the movies. I'm sure he loves that I'm just as crushed as he is. That's okay. I tried. As I open the glass doors and let the cool air conditioning remove the sticky September morning heat, I think about all the reasons Nathan has given me to move on from him. Countless times, he's pressured me to do intimate things I'm not ready for. He has made comments about my appearance that weren't very nice. He's made fun of me for taking my grades so seriously and following the rules all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at other girls and verbally checked them out with his friends while I was sitting there. Truth be told, when no one else is around, he was a good guy to be with sometimes but sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially not if there's another relationship I'd rather be in. I smile as I walk past people I know but I don't stop to talk to anyone. I head through the halls with the library in my crosshairs. As soon as I walk through the doors, Victoria jumps up. She can tell by the look on my face that it didn't go well and waits a few classes before she asks me what happened. Lucky for me, we have all of our classes together - which is how we became best friends - and no matter where Nathan will pop up for the rest of the day, she'll be there. Giving me some time, she simply walks over to me and hugs me without a word. When the bell finally rings, we leave the library and head up the stairs to our lockers just three apart from each other. I notice new eyes on me as I wade through the rest of the student body and I try to keep my head down so I don't see Wes or one of his friends - especially Nathan. The coast is clear while we exchange our books for the ones we need and slam our doors shut. She then walks in front of me the whole way to our Geometry class. I'm kind of excited to go to Geometry because I know the teacher will be proud of me for finally breaking things off with Nathan. Before this morning, Nathan used to walk me to class every morning and the teacher would hear the rude things Nathan would say to me. Victoria usually lectured me in class about Nathan's behavior and Mr. Preisler would back her up and say that I shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Mr. Preisler has been one of the best teachers I've had throughout my entire high school career. He's nice to everyone and keeps the rowdy kids in line but he always has the best interest of his students in mind. I guess you could say he always stands up with the underdogs and he's one of the most respected teachers in the building. Before Victoria and I are safe in the classroom, I notice Wes standing at a locker nearby. I completely forgot his homeroom is Mr. Preisler and his locker is right outside. Thinking I can make it inside without being noticed by Wes or his friends, I put my head down and walk directly behind Victoria. I'm almost safe when I hear someone come up behind me.
"So I've been thinking..."
I take a deep breath, knowing this won't be good. Victoria takes my books and bag into the room to sit it on my desk and I slowly turn around to see Nathan looking back at me with crazy eyes. I have half a mind to wonder back in the room. I know Mr. Preisler won't let Nathan in the room. But hiding out from Nathan won't solve anything.
"I don't know why you think breaking up with me is a good idea."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on. You know you're not going to find anyone else to actually want to be with you."
My stomach begins to knot itself up, knowing Nathan isn't happy and he's going to take it out on my right now. I knew he had anger issues when he got mad but I was never the brunt of it. Now that I caused it, I'm about to see a side of him I'd only ever heard of. Nathan doesn't play nice when he isn't happy with someone. He's going to say anything and everything he can that he knows is going to get to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and take it and let him get it all out. It's the only way he'll be able to feel better and move on.
"I mean," he continues, "look at you. Who would want to be with you? Come on. Really? I only did because you seemed so desperate for someone. You're not even attractive. You're actually pretty ugly. Look at your teeth. Look at you."
A nearby teacher turns her head as Nathan's volume grows. I know she's going to step in, seeing as our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy. Nathan's anger gets worse when he sees I'm not affected.
"Nathan, that's fine that you feel that way. If I'm so ugly and you took such a change being with me, I guess you're free now, aren't you?"
"I guess I am. I'm single now and I'm going to find someone way better to be with. Someone I actually want to be with. I won't miss you at all. You're really pathetic. You're such a brown noser. and a nerd. If you have a B in something, you freak out because it isn't an A. And you're annoying. Hearing you talk is like hearing nails on a chalk board. No one likes you and I don't understand why I ever dated you."
"Okay, that's enough, get to class." The teacher tries to step in.
I hold my hand up to her and nod my head, motioning that I don't need her help.
"Nathan, I don't understand why you're still standing here."
He looks around and notices Wes standing nearby. I glance over and notice that absolutely everyone - Wes and his friends included - are standing around staring at Nathan and me. While everyone else is focused on Nathan since he's the one blowing up, Wes is looking at me with the most concerned look on his face. Nathan doesn't let that fact go unnoticed.
"Look, I know you think you're the coolest person ever but you're just not. And honestly, I was going to break up with you a while ago but didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I felt bad because I knew no one would ever want to be with you. So I stayed. So you can forget about this whole you breaking up with me thing because in reality, I wanted to break up first."
"Okay Nathan. Look, I know I hurt you and I know you'll never admit it in a million years and that's fine. My intentions weren't to hurt you okay. Don't roll your eyes at me, either, because if you weren't hurt, if you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't be standing here trying to make me feel like a horrible person."
"You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think would happen?"
"Honestly Nathan, I thought it would be worse if we stayed together and really started to like each other and then realized that we aren't right for each other. I don't care what you say or what you believe but you and I are not a good match. We're too different. And not even in an opposites attract kind of way. We aren't even opposites. We're just way too different to ever work. I thought breaking up after a few weeks would be much easier on both of us than getting to really know each other and breaking up after months of being together."
"That's bull. And you know it. You broke up with me to be with someone else."
Nathan starts to walk toward Wes and I feel like I might die of embarrassment all over again. It's bad enough Wes turned me down but now Nathan is going to use that against me to make himself feel better.
"Wes here doesn't want you. So you know what, you're stuck. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you for nothing. And you're not getting me back. So don't even try."
Other teachers turn their attention to our exchange and slowly inch closer. Nathan's smirk makes my blood boil and Wes's red face makes me infuriated. It's bad enough he had the nerve to treat me like a dog in front of an entire hallway of people but to bring Wes into something he's not involved in is taking things way too far.
"Okay Nathan, you know what? SHUTUP. I have never felt as insecure, unhappy, self conscious, lonely, and confined in my entire life than you have made me feel in the last three weeks. You treat me like I'm the luckiest person on the planet to be in a relationship with you but it's actually the opposite. You have been the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth and I have no idea why I put up with it. You have no idea how to treat girlfriends and you definitely have your priorities messed up. Stop making me feel bad for making a decision that's better for the both of us."
Nathan looks at the ground, unsure what to say. I cross my arms and stare him down. The warning bell rings, making everyone spring back to life and start rushing to their first classes. The teachers start to back off and Nathan starts to inch toward the stairwell that leads down to his first class. The hallway starts to thin out. Nathan's footsteps get bigger and bigger. He has one foot on the stairs, ready to leave. I can see him cooking up something else to say to make his exit that much more grand. I beat him to it.
"Nathan, hope you have a good day. Good life, for that matter. And, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to talk to me again until your first words are that you're sorry."
Without even a smirk, Nathan disappears down the stairs. Glancing at the clock in the hallway, I try to decide if I should take the last few minutes before class starts to head to the bathroom and calm down a bit but when I focus on my feelings, I realize I'm not really unnerved by the things he'd said. I feel fine and I actually feel a lot better knowing he didn't actually mean the things he said. It was all about how hurt he is. A teacher from down the hall approaches me, probably after watching the whole argument.
"I just wanted to ask if you were okay."
"Yeah, thanks I'm okay."
"What happened?"
"I broke up with him this morning and he didn't like it because it was partially because I like someone else and partially because he and I just aren't good together."
"You aren't good together? That's mature of you to realize."
"Well, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with either of us. Mashed potatoes are good and peanut butter is delicious but I wouldn't put the two together for any reason."
"Are you a writer?"
"I am. I love to write. How'd you know?"
"You seem great with words. I have a writing group after school and I think you'd be a great addition. It's after school..."
The teacher trails off talking and looks over my shoulder. I can tell that someone has walked up behind me and I guess it's Mr. Preisler asking if I'm coming to class.
"Well, we meet in the balcony right after school tomorrow. You should consider it."
The teacher backs away and offers a little wave as she heads toward her classroom. I turn around expecting to see Mr. Preisler and I about fall down when I see Wes looking down at me. My breath disappears and I feel more lightheaded than I've ever felt before. Neither of us say a word but I know he's thinking a lot of things. I hope he isn't standing here to give me a pity apology or anything but at the same time, I'm so glad I get to see his beautiful blue eyes again. His brown sweatshirt seems so comforting and I wish I could just hug him but that would be weird no matter what he has to say. Hugging Wes looks like it would be a dream, his strong arms wrapped around me, his warmth surrounding me. Wes says my name and his tone pops me out of my daydreams. I look into his eyes and he continues.
"About earlier..."
"No, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."
"You don't understand, though. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea you were going to say that. I was kind of caught off guard."
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect to approach you but I just saw you standing there and I thought it was a good idea. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I should have came up to you when you weren't with a bunch of people."
"Well... we're alone now. There's no one watching. And..."
"Yeah..." He has me so confused and I honestly have no idea where he's going to go with this.
"Look, I have thought of you as more than a friend before and I never said anything because I didn't want anything to happen to our friendship if we didn't work out. And I don't really know how the whole dating thing goes. I've never really thought about being in a relationship."
At this point, I feel like he's letting me down easy and I want nothing more than to disappear. My first instinct is to stand here and convince him that dating is a good idea but if I have to sell myself to him then it really won't be worth it to be with him because I'll always have to convince him why he should stay with me and that's not how a relationship should go.
"Look, I want to try things out because I really like you as a person and we get along so well but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Honestly, if we ever decided to be more than friends, I think we're both mature enough and considerate of other people's feelings that we wouldn't end on bad terms."
"Then let's go out."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes. I've always felt more than friendship for you but never said anything. I don't know how to do the whole dating thing but if you're patient with me I can figure it out. Honestly, I've never really thought any girls were worth all the hassle and I always thought you just liked me as friends."
"So... we're going out?"
"If you say yes..."
A major smile spreads across my face and he echoes.
Waiting for Nathan to appear, I stand and watch Wes and wish I were a major part of his life and were standing down there with him and his friends, laughing along to the jokes and standing with his friends' girlfriends. I've never seen Wes with girls and I'm not even sure he's into dating. All I know for sure is that it isn't fair to Nathan to be with him when I would rather be with someone else. Wes glances around him and happens to look up in my direction. When he catches me staring, I don't bother looking away. Our eyes lock and I can't help but smile, speaking a secret language he's probably never heard before. He turns his attention to a friend that starts talking to him but I don't look away. In between his friend's sentences, Wes glances back up at me, probably wondering if I'm still staring. I am.
"Hey, hot stuff! What are you doing out here?" Nathan comes up behind me and talks low into my ear.
It must be kind of odd that I'm out here before school starts. When the buses get here, there's usually about twenty minutes to kill before the bell rings and we're allowed to go to lockers and head to our first classes. There are certain areas around the school we're permitted to be before the bell. Some kids go to the cafeteria and clutter up the tables or get some breakfast. Some athletes go down to the locker rooms and gym to get their belongings ready for practice after school. A lot of people stand outside, no matter the temperature and mostly just huddle in different groups of friends. A very small group, my group of friends, to be exact, go inside to the library. Sometimes other kids go to the library to get some research done before school or to finish up a report before class. The librarians don't really like anyone to be there if they aren't working on schoolwork but my friends and I are in the library getting new books every chance we get and the librarians know we aren't trouble so they let us stay. Every morning, that's where I go with my best friend, Victoria and our other friends. When I first got in this morning, I left my stuff with her in the library and told her my plans. She didn't want to go along just in case things got intense but she applauded my decision. Ever since she heard Nathan's name leave my mouth, she's been against our relationship. She doesn't think he's a good guy and she really doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't know about all that because I don't separate people into good, better, and best but either way, things with Nathan and me aren't going to work if I'm interested in someone else. For once, Victoria approves of Wes, though. She says he's much better because he's polite and he doesn't act like an imbecile. I've never really based my life around her opinions but this time, it's great to have her approval. I just wish she would be by my side right now.
I turn around and give Nathan a half hug but avoid his eyes. Instantly, he can tell something is wrong and the smile melts off his face and is replaced by a look of concern.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just... uh... Can we talk for a second?"
"Sure..."
We slide to an empty spot in the courtyard and some of our acquaintances glance at us suspiciously.
"Look, Nathan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I know we just started dating and these past few weeks have been... But I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry."
Not sure what to do or where to go, I stand in front of him, letting the words sink in. He doesn't look at me, just stares down at his boots and I can see his emotions go from shock to anger to sad to livid to embarrassed and back to shock. I know he has to say something and I can't just walk away from him after saying something like that. I know I blindsided him and he probably has questions but he doesn't move, he doesn't look up, and he doesn't say a word.
"Nathan..."
"It's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. Just go. Please."
I turn my head back in Wes's direction. His whole group of friends are watching the entire thing. Nathan and Wes have mutual friends and I think they're even decent friends themselves. I don't want to hurt Nathan and I definitely didn't want to embarrass him but I can't worry about his feelings when mine are at stake. At the bottom of the steps, most of the eyes are on Nathan but two beautiful blue eyes are on me and I know it's my chance. I take another look at Nathan and sense the anger in his demeanor but back away and head down the steps. The looks on his friends' faces are a mixture of confusion, surprise, and concern. The closer I get, the more red Wes's face gets and I know I'm probably embarrassing him, too. He's always been shy. When I get to the bottom and I'm standing in front of Wes, at least a foot shorter than him, it feels so great to look in his eyes and know for the first time that I'm going to tell him how I feel and it might go somewhere. I might walk away with the boy I've wanted to be with for two and a half years.
"Wes. Hi." My brain goes on strike and stops manufacturing words at the worst possible moment.
He just looks down at me, into my eyes. I think I might just walk away and forget this whole thing ever happened but with all these eyes on me and Nathan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head especially, it's obvious that everyone knows why I'm standing here and I might as well get it out.
"Wes... I... um... I've liked you since middle school. And, um, we've become great friends over the years. I never wanted to do or say anything that would mess that up but I can't be with anyone else knowing that I have feelings for you. It isn't fair to them, ya know. So, I guess, I'm wondering if you'd want to go out and see if you like me, too..."
My heart pounds as his face gets even redder than before. The seconds slip by and feel like hours. Inside the glass doors, I notice the bell won't save me for at least five more minutes. I'm going to have to stand here until he says something and who knows if he will. Wes glances around him. He looks to the top of the stairs and looks at Nathan. I don't take my eyes off of him. Finally, I see him take a deep breath as if the wheels in his head need some energy to move and produce a sentence.
"I... don't know what... to... say..."
I look down at my shoes, feeling absolutely crushed. I slowly start to nod my head and back away from him. He feels as though he looks bad. I smile and he opens his mouth as if he has more words to say but no words come out.
"That's okay. You don't have to say anything, I get it. I just wanted to take a chance and see what happened. It's okay."
I turn around and walk back up the stairs. Nathan's mouth is hanging wide open but I'm sure he's loving the fact that Wes didn't take me into his arms and give me a romantic kiss like in all the movies. I'm sure he loves that I'm just as crushed as he is. That's okay. I tried. As I open the glass doors and let the cool air conditioning remove the sticky September morning heat, I think about all the reasons Nathan has given me to move on from him. Countless times, he's pressured me to do intimate things I'm not ready for. He has made comments about my appearance that weren't very nice. He's made fun of me for taking my grades so seriously and following the rules all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at other girls and verbally checked them out with his friends while I was sitting there. Truth be told, when no one else is around, he was a good guy to be with sometimes but sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially not if there's another relationship I'd rather be in. I smile as I walk past people I know but I don't stop to talk to anyone. I head through the halls with the library in my crosshairs. As soon as I walk through the doors, Victoria jumps up. She can tell by the look on my face that it didn't go well and waits a few classes before she asks me what happened. Lucky for me, we have all of our classes together - which is how we became best friends - and no matter where Nathan will pop up for the rest of the day, she'll be there. Giving me some time, she simply walks over to me and hugs me without a word. When the bell finally rings, we leave the library and head up the stairs to our lockers just three apart from each other. I notice new eyes on me as I wade through the rest of the student body and I try to keep my head down so I don't see Wes or one of his friends - especially Nathan. The coast is clear while we exchange our books for the ones we need and slam our doors shut. She then walks in front of me the whole way to our Geometry class. I'm kind of excited to go to Geometry because I know the teacher will be proud of me for finally breaking things off with Nathan. Before this morning, Nathan used to walk me to class every morning and the teacher would hear the rude things Nathan would say to me. Victoria usually lectured me in class about Nathan's behavior and Mr. Preisler would back her up and say that I shouldn't put up with being treated that way. Mr. Preisler has been one of the best teachers I've had throughout my entire high school career. He's nice to everyone and keeps the rowdy kids in line but he always has the best interest of his students in mind. I guess you could say he always stands up with the underdogs and he's one of the most respected teachers in the building. Before Victoria and I are safe in the classroom, I notice Wes standing at a locker nearby. I completely forgot his homeroom is Mr. Preisler and his locker is right outside. Thinking I can make it inside without being noticed by Wes or his friends, I put my head down and walk directly behind Victoria. I'm almost safe when I hear someone come up behind me.
"So I've been thinking..."
I take a deep breath, knowing this won't be good. Victoria takes my books and bag into the room to sit it on my desk and I slowly turn around to see Nathan looking back at me with crazy eyes. I have half a mind to wonder back in the room. I know Mr. Preisler won't let Nathan in the room. But hiding out from Nathan won't solve anything.
"I don't know why you think breaking up with me is a good idea."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on. You know you're not going to find anyone else to actually want to be with you."
My stomach begins to knot itself up, knowing Nathan isn't happy and he's going to take it out on my right now. I knew he had anger issues when he got mad but I was never the brunt of it. Now that I caused it, I'm about to see a side of him I'd only ever heard of. Nathan doesn't play nice when he isn't happy with someone. He's going to say anything and everything he can that he knows is going to get to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and take it and let him get it all out. It's the only way he'll be able to feel better and move on.
"I mean," he continues, "look at you. Who would want to be with you? Come on. Really? I only did because you seemed so desperate for someone. You're not even attractive. You're actually pretty ugly. Look at your teeth. Look at you."
A nearby teacher turns her head as Nathan's volume grows. I know she's going to step in, seeing as our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy. Nathan's anger gets worse when he sees I'm not affected.
"Nathan, that's fine that you feel that way. If I'm so ugly and you took such a change being with me, I guess you're free now, aren't you?"
"I guess I am. I'm single now and I'm going to find someone way better to be with. Someone I actually want to be with. I won't miss you at all. You're really pathetic. You're such a brown noser. and a nerd. If you have a B in something, you freak out because it isn't an A. And you're annoying. Hearing you talk is like hearing nails on a chalk board. No one likes you and I don't understand why I ever dated you."
"Okay, that's enough, get to class." The teacher tries to step in.
I hold my hand up to her and nod my head, motioning that I don't need her help.
"Nathan, I don't understand why you're still standing here."
He looks around and notices Wes standing nearby. I glance over and notice that absolutely everyone - Wes and his friends included - are standing around staring at Nathan and me. While everyone else is focused on Nathan since he's the one blowing up, Wes is looking at me with the most concerned look on his face. Nathan doesn't let that fact go unnoticed.
"Look, I know you think you're the coolest person ever but you're just not. And honestly, I was going to break up with you a while ago but didn't because I didn't want to hurt you. I felt bad because I knew no one would ever want to be with you. So I stayed. So you can forget about this whole you breaking up with me thing because in reality, I wanted to break up first."
"Okay Nathan. Look, I know I hurt you and I know you'll never admit it in a million years and that's fine. My intentions weren't to hurt you okay. Don't roll your eyes at me, either, because if you weren't hurt, if you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't be standing here trying to make me feel like a horrible person."
"You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think would happen?"
"Honestly Nathan, I thought it would be worse if we stayed together and really started to like each other and then realized that we aren't right for each other. I don't care what you say or what you believe but you and I are not a good match. We're too different. And not even in an opposites attract kind of way. We aren't even opposites. We're just way too different to ever work. I thought breaking up after a few weeks would be much easier on both of us than getting to really know each other and breaking up after months of being together."
"That's bull. And you know it. You broke up with me to be with someone else."
Nathan starts to walk toward Wes and I feel like I might die of embarrassment all over again. It's bad enough Wes turned me down but now Nathan is going to use that against me to make himself feel better.
"Wes here doesn't want you. So you know what, you're stuck. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you for nothing. And you're not getting me back. So don't even try."
Other teachers turn their attention to our exchange and slowly inch closer. Nathan's smirk makes my blood boil and Wes's red face makes me infuriated. It's bad enough he had the nerve to treat me like a dog in front of an entire hallway of people but to bring Wes into something he's not involved in is taking things way too far.
"Okay Nathan, you know what? SHUTUP. I have never felt as insecure, unhappy, self conscious, lonely, and confined in my entire life than you have made me feel in the last three weeks. You treat me like I'm the luckiest person on the planet to be in a relationship with you but it's actually the opposite. You have been the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth and I have no idea why I put up with it. You have no idea how to treat girlfriends and you definitely have your priorities messed up. Stop making me feel bad for making a decision that's better for the both of us."
Nathan looks at the ground, unsure what to say. I cross my arms and stare him down. The warning bell rings, making everyone spring back to life and start rushing to their first classes. The teachers start to back off and Nathan starts to inch toward the stairwell that leads down to his first class. The hallway starts to thin out. Nathan's footsteps get bigger and bigger. He has one foot on the stairs, ready to leave. I can see him cooking up something else to say to make his exit that much more grand. I beat him to it.
"Nathan, hope you have a good day. Good life, for that matter. And, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to talk to me again until your first words are that you're sorry."
Without even a smirk, Nathan disappears down the stairs. Glancing at the clock in the hallway, I try to decide if I should take the last few minutes before class starts to head to the bathroom and calm down a bit but when I focus on my feelings, I realize I'm not really unnerved by the things he'd said. I feel fine and I actually feel a lot better knowing he didn't actually mean the things he said. It was all about how hurt he is. A teacher from down the hall approaches me, probably after watching the whole argument.
"I just wanted to ask if you were okay."
"Yeah, thanks I'm okay."
"What happened?"
"I broke up with him this morning and he didn't like it because it was partially because I like someone else and partially because he and I just aren't good together."
"You aren't good together? That's mature of you to realize."
"Well, it doesn't mean anything's wrong with either of us. Mashed potatoes are good and peanut butter is delicious but I wouldn't put the two together for any reason."
"Are you a writer?"
"I am. I love to write. How'd you know?"
"You seem great with words. I have a writing group after school and I think you'd be a great addition. It's after school..."
The teacher trails off talking and looks over my shoulder. I can tell that someone has walked up behind me and I guess it's Mr. Preisler asking if I'm coming to class.
"Well, we meet in the balcony right after school tomorrow. You should consider it."
The teacher backs away and offers a little wave as she heads toward her classroom. I turn around expecting to see Mr. Preisler and I about fall down when I see Wes looking down at me. My breath disappears and I feel more lightheaded than I've ever felt before. Neither of us say a word but I know he's thinking a lot of things. I hope he isn't standing here to give me a pity apology or anything but at the same time, I'm so glad I get to see his beautiful blue eyes again. His brown sweatshirt seems so comforting and I wish I could just hug him but that would be weird no matter what he has to say. Hugging Wes looks like it would be a dream, his strong arms wrapped around me, his warmth surrounding me. Wes says my name and his tone pops me out of my daydreams. I look into his eyes and he continues.
"About earlier..."
"No, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."
"You don't understand, though. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea you were going to say that. I was kind of caught off guard."
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect to approach you but I just saw you standing there and I thought it was a good idea. I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I should have came up to you when you weren't with a bunch of people."
"Well... we're alone now. There's no one watching. And..."
"Yeah..." He has me so confused and I honestly have no idea where he's going to go with this.
"Look, I have thought of you as more than a friend before and I never said anything because I didn't want anything to happen to our friendship if we didn't work out. And I don't really know how the whole dating thing goes. I've never really thought about being in a relationship."
At this point, I feel like he's letting me down easy and I want nothing more than to disappear. My first instinct is to stand here and convince him that dating is a good idea but if I have to sell myself to him then it really won't be worth it to be with him because I'll always have to convince him why he should stay with me and that's not how a relationship should go.
"Look, I want to try things out because I really like you as a person and we get along so well but I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Honestly, if we ever decided to be more than friends, I think we're both mature enough and considerate of other people's feelings that we wouldn't end on bad terms."
"Then let's go out."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes. I've always felt more than friendship for you but never said anything. I don't know how to do the whole dating thing but if you're patient with me I can figure it out. Honestly, I've never really thought any girls were worth all the hassle and I always thought you just liked me as friends."
"So... we're going out?"
"If you say yes..."
A major smile spreads across my face and he echoes.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Wake Up Call
Today, I woke up somewhat on time. I got out of bed, I walked down the hall to use the bathroom, noticed mom was in the bathroom and walked down the stairs to the other bathroom as I muttered to myself about how I can't wait to move out, and I sat down to relieve myself. Being tired and not wanting to just go and get right back up, I sat there for a few extra seconds, maybe even a minute, and I looked around the bathroom. I checked to see if any spiders were hiding in the nooks and crannies. I checked to see if there was any socks left behind after a load of laundry. That's when I noticed what was sitting on top of the washing machine. I guess the washer and dryer and some kind of a storage area for things that have no where else to go and that's how the bathroom scale ended up there. I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know why I didn't just pan over it and then go about my business for the day, but I did. I looked right at it and I paid attention to it, and a false sense of confidence told me to jump on there and see how much weight I've lost since I last weighed myself. Lately, I've been eating whatever I wanted because my clothes have been fitting the same. I didn't think there would be any precautions for eating what I'd wanted because I was under some kind of impression that my body had hit a steady weight and it wouldn't move no matter what I ate. Well, I was wrong. My body weight is not steady. My confidence was out of no where and way out of line. And, at 7:20 in the morning, I woke up, for real.
I don't want to go into detail. There's an immense level of shame and guilt keeping me from admitting how high my number actually is. What I will say, though, is that I've hit a mark that I never thought I would hit. For the past two years, every time I weighed myself, I would feel kind of bad about the number but I'd make myself better by saying, "Oh, it's high but at least it isn't ###." Today, I couldn't say that because, by 0.8 lbs., I went past the weight of my worst nightmares.
I'll be honest, I got pretty mad at the scale at first. I picked it up, tossed it onto the washer where I found it and stomped up the steps. I became annoyed at mom when she tried to talk to me and seemed to be picking a fight. And I went upstairs and tried to go about my morning, ignoring what I just found out about myself. I made my bed, I talked baby-talk with the dog, and I looked in the mirror to do my makeup. That's when my self-conscious was through with denial. I looked in the mirror at the girl looking back at me and, not for the first time, I was disgusted. With the messy hair I'm too lazy to take care of and look after. With the double chin getting bigger and bigger. With the cheeks getting so big there's only a shadow of a face underneath. With the fat on the arms hanging down like wings. With the gut that gets forced into pants that try to slim it down. With the fat fingers that are outgrowing the engagement ring. With the fat legs that ruin pants from rubbing together. With the fat calves that make buying boots of any kind nearly impossible. And, even with the fat feet, that have bunions at twenty years old because no shoes fit right on a foot that fat. I was disgusted. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and had an actual conversation with myself. I poked around at the double chin that seemed to have grown since I last paid attention to it. I poked the arm fat that wiggled around in protest. I put my pants on and observed the way my gut makes the pants look miserable and punished. And I decided I can't keep doing this.
As I continued to get ready with a new take on my body image, my mind raced in all kinds of directions. I thought about how this would be a bad time to be healthy because there's a whole bunch of leftover Chinese food in the fridge from last night's dinner. That's when I stopped myself and realized that I make too many excuses and that's how I wedged myself in this position in the first place. Just because Chinese food is there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Even if I want some, I need to set aside a small portion and not eat until it feels like my stomach is going to burst open. After I got some makeup on and started to pick out my outfit for the day, I thought about how it really is a bad time to be embarking on this journey because of the holidays coming up and how people get offended if you don't eat their desserts. But you know, that's when I thought more about it and realized that anyone in my family knows I've had a weight problem since I was a kid. If I decide to not eat their desserts one year because I'm trying to better myself as a person then I think they'd be a little less offended by it. Honestly the holidays will probably be more enjoyable this year if I decide not to eat myself sick and constantly want to take a nap. Maybe if I take it easy on the food I'll have a better time. Maybe just generally in life, if I stop eating so much and being lazy because I ate too much, things in life will start to pick up.
I finished up my morning walking to the kitchen after brushing my teeth and deciding that I'm going to have to take this journey one meal at a time. Some days when I'm home and can snack, I'm going to have to take it one hour at a time. There will be mistakes, there will be cheat days, and I will disappoint myself. Honestly, though, I need to take control. It would be great to look at current pictures of myself and think that I look great instead of deleting all but one because I feel that I look terrible. I don't want to look at pictures of my in ninth and tenth grade and wish I still looked that way. It's time to do something about my weight once and for all. It won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and self control but I have to start now. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and not some sort of lumpy frumpy one they make for plus sized brides. I don't want to have to spend tons of money on clothes because the only high end clothing stores for plus sized women are expensive. I don't want to hate being intimate with Wes because I feel insecure about how I look.
Lately, Wes has been giving up soda. You used to see him fill a trash bag with empty soda cans in a few days. Lately, he's been drinking a lot of water and I've noticed it becoming a natural thing. He doesn't even think about it anymore. He has soda he could drink, he just reaches for water instead. His face has been clearing up a lot and he seems to have more energy.
I don't want to go into detail. There's an immense level of shame and guilt keeping me from admitting how high my number actually is. What I will say, though, is that I've hit a mark that I never thought I would hit. For the past two years, every time I weighed myself, I would feel kind of bad about the number but I'd make myself better by saying, "Oh, it's high but at least it isn't ###." Today, I couldn't say that because, by 0.8 lbs., I went past the weight of my worst nightmares.
I'll be honest, I got pretty mad at the scale at first. I picked it up, tossed it onto the washer where I found it and stomped up the steps. I became annoyed at mom when she tried to talk to me and seemed to be picking a fight. And I went upstairs and tried to go about my morning, ignoring what I just found out about myself. I made my bed, I talked baby-talk with the dog, and I looked in the mirror to do my makeup. That's when my self-conscious was through with denial. I looked in the mirror at the girl looking back at me and, not for the first time, I was disgusted. With the messy hair I'm too lazy to take care of and look after. With the double chin getting bigger and bigger. With the cheeks getting so big there's only a shadow of a face underneath. With the fat on the arms hanging down like wings. With the gut that gets forced into pants that try to slim it down. With the fat fingers that are outgrowing the engagement ring. With the fat legs that ruin pants from rubbing together. With the fat calves that make buying boots of any kind nearly impossible. And, even with the fat feet, that have bunions at twenty years old because no shoes fit right on a foot that fat. I was disgusted. For the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and had an actual conversation with myself. I poked around at the double chin that seemed to have grown since I last paid attention to it. I poked the arm fat that wiggled around in protest. I put my pants on and observed the way my gut makes the pants look miserable and punished. And I decided I can't keep doing this.
As I continued to get ready with a new take on my body image, my mind raced in all kinds of directions. I thought about how this would be a bad time to be healthy because there's a whole bunch of leftover Chinese food in the fridge from last night's dinner. That's when I stopped myself and realized that I make too many excuses and that's how I wedged myself in this position in the first place. Just because Chinese food is there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Even if I want some, I need to set aside a small portion and not eat until it feels like my stomach is going to burst open. After I got some makeup on and started to pick out my outfit for the day, I thought about how it really is a bad time to be embarking on this journey because of the holidays coming up and how people get offended if you don't eat their desserts. But you know, that's when I thought more about it and realized that anyone in my family knows I've had a weight problem since I was a kid. If I decide to not eat their desserts one year because I'm trying to better myself as a person then I think they'd be a little less offended by it. Honestly the holidays will probably be more enjoyable this year if I decide not to eat myself sick and constantly want to take a nap. Maybe if I take it easy on the food I'll have a better time. Maybe just generally in life, if I stop eating so much and being lazy because I ate too much, things in life will start to pick up.
I finished up my morning walking to the kitchen after brushing my teeth and deciding that I'm going to have to take this journey one meal at a time. Some days when I'm home and can snack, I'm going to have to take it one hour at a time. There will be mistakes, there will be cheat days, and I will disappoint myself. Honestly, though, I need to take control. It would be great to look at current pictures of myself and think that I look great instead of deleting all but one because I feel that I look terrible. I don't want to look at pictures of my in ninth and tenth grade and wish I still looked that way. It's time to do something about my weight once and for all. It won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and self control but I have to start now. I want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and not some sort of lumpy frumpy one they make for plus sized brides. I don't want to have to spend tons of money on clothes because the only high end clothing stores for plus sized women are expensive. I don't want to hate being intimate with Wes because I feel insecure about how I look.
Lately, Wes has been giving up soda. You used to see him fill a trash bag with empty soda cans in a few days. Lately, he's been drinking a lot of water and I've noticed it becoming a natural thing. He doesn't even think about it anymore. He has soda he could drink, he just reaches for water instead. His face has been clearing up a lot and he seems to have more energy.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Dear Next Guy:
If there ever is a next guy, there are some things you need to know.
I've had bad.
I've had worse.
And I've also had damn near perfect. Hopefully, you'll fall somewhere different within the spectrum, somewhere I've never been loved before. I've been used, I've been abused, I've been loved and left, and I've loved and lost. I hope you understand that each adventure I allowed my heart to lead me on took me to dangerously beautiful places. There are bruises on my heart, scars even. It's been broken only to be fixed. It's been damaged only to be changed. My heart has been right, it's been wrong, and it's been confused beyond right and wrong into a gray area of hope and prayer. Just know that my heart is like a journal whose pages cannot be burned. The memories cannot be forgotten and no lobotomy can fry away all the feelings it's had.
I've had bad.
I've had worse.
And I've also had damn near perfect. Hopefully, you'll fall somewhere different within the spectrum, somewhere I've never been loved before. I've been used, I've been abused, I've been loved and left, and I've loved and lost. I hope you understand that each adventure I allowed my heart to lead me on took me to dangerously beautiful places. There are bruises on my heart, scars even. It's been broken only to be fixed. It's been damaged only to be changed. My heart has been right, it's been wrong, and it's been confused beyond right and wrong into a gray area of hope and prayer. Just know that my heart is like a journal whose pages cannot be burned. The memories cannot be forgotten and no lobotomy can fry away all the feelings it's had.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Avdiciro
Avdiciro pulls into the driveway and notices a white car he's never seen before parked outside his girlfriend's house along the front sidewalk. He parks his car in front of her garage and looks around to see if anyone might be lurking around the area but the neighborhood is quiet this Saturday morning. He removes his keys and gets out of his car, fixing his tie in the reflection in the car window before heading to the garage door. He hopes Morgan, his girlfriend, is ready to go by now. It's her cousin's wedding, after all, and he doesn't want them to be late.
"Morgan, I think your neighbors are parking in front of your house again. Do you want me to knock on some do-" Avdiciro abandons his sentence when he sees a familiar face sitting on Morgan's couch.
It takes him a few minutes before he recognizes the guy's dirty blonde curls and icy blue eyes.
"Hello." He says to Morgan's rather recent ex-boyfriend.
He doesn't want to be overly friendly, as he doesn't like the guy and views him as possible competition, but he doesn't want to be rude and risk displeasing Morgan.
"Hey." The ex says simply.
Avdiciro meanders his way to the kitchen and nervously checks the refrigerator for nothing in particular. The ex just sits on the couch and watches TV like he's exactly where he belongs. Thinking back, Avdiciro remembers Morgan saying she bought the house after the two had broken up because she wanted completely new scenery. The ex looks like he's been in this living room thousands of times before. For a moment, Avdiciro worries maybe he has been in this living room before - behind Avdiciro's back. Even though he isn't a live-in boyfriend, he feels really heated at the idea Morgan might have invited another guy into her house behind his back and possibly had an affair.
Avdiciro takes a deep breath and realizes what he's saying. He's a personal trainer. Perfecty sculpted physically and financially set for life, as he comes from money. This ex-boyfriend is more than a little pudgy and doesn't exactly make a decent living. After all, Avdiciro has already spoiled Morgan with enough for her to know that he's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of companion, one that she'd be crazy to give up.
Avdiciro closes the refrigerator when he hears heels clacking on the wooden floors in the hallway. When Morgan appears in front of him in an adorable dark grey dress and
"Morgan, I think your neighbors are parking in front of your house again. Do you want me to knock on some do-" Avdiciro abandons his sentence when he sees a familiar face sitting on Morgan's couch.
It takes him a few minutes before he recognizes the guy's dirty blonde curls and icy blue eyes.
"Hello." He says to Morgan's rather recent ex-boyfriend.
He doesn't want to be overly friendly, as he doesn't like the guy and views him as possible competition, but he doesn't want to be rude and risk displeasing Morgan.
"Hey." The ex says simply.
Avdiciro meanders his way to the kitchen and nervously checks the refrigerator for nothing in particular. The ex just sits on the couch and watches TV like he's exactly where he belongs. Thinking back, Avdiciro remembers Morgan saying she bought the house after the two had broken up because she wanted completely new scenery. The ex looks like he's been in this living room thousands of times before. For a moment, Avdiciro worries maybe he has been in this living room before - behind Avdiciro's back. Even though he isn't a live-in boyfriend, he feels really heated at the idea Morgan might have invited another guy into her house behind his back and possibly had an affair.
Avdiciro takes a deep breath and realizes what he's saying. He's a personal trainer. Perfecty sculpted physically and financially set for life, as he comes from money. This ex-boyfriend is more than a little pudgy and doesn't exactly make a decent living. After all, Avdiciro has already spoiled Morgan with enough for her to know that he's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of companion, one that she'd be crazy to give up.
Avdiciro closes the refrigerator when he hears heels clacking on the wooden floors in the hallway. When Morgan appears in front of him in an adorable dark grey dress and
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Untitled
At the end of a day's work, the clock seems to drag by a lot more than it does on your day off. Hour long lunch breaks feel like fifteen minutes but an hour on the clock feels like an eternity. When the clock finally strikes five, Vera packs up all of her stuff and rushes toward the door to avoid any possible interruptions on her just-started weekend. The cool air hits her cheeks as she opens the door so she pulls her coat a little tighter.
"Have a nice weekend, Vee!" Someone calls behind her.
Rather than turning around and running the risk of getting stuck in a long conversation, Vera waves behind her back and lets the cold air
"Have a nice weekend, Vee!" Someone calls behind her.
Rather than turning around and running the risk of getting stuck in a long conversation, Vera waves behind her back and lets the cold air
Monday, October 26, 2015
Starting With You
My first best friend was Ashley and we were four. Every day at day care, we played with blocks and fake kitchen sets and went on the best imaginary adventures. We spent every single day together through the week and sometimes hung out on the weekends, too. Something happened one day, though, because I remember going through elementary school and my mom requesting she and I not be in the same classes because we couldn't get along. Over the years, I had friends here and there that I knew well enough to come over and hang out but none I considered best friends. At least, not until seventh grade.
One day, I was partnered with this girl in woodshop I'd never met before. At first, she was kind of quiet and that wasn't really my style so I asked her a bunch of questions until I found something we could talk about. Her name was Emma and after that first day, we were the absolute best of friends. I'll always remember that friendship because of what happened the day after I first met Emma. I walked into homeroom and some popular girls were laughing about something. I sat down next to one and asked them what was going on and they told me. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just remember they were making fun of Emma. At that moment, I was faced with a tough decision because middle school is the peak of life when popularity matters the most. Up until then, I was pretty good friends with the popular girls and I knew I could make fun of Emma with them and be in the in-crowd for the rest of my grade school career. Instead, I got up from the desk I was sitting in and walked over to sit down next to Emma, ignoring the popular girls. I knew it would ruin my repuation but I liked talking to Emma and being a friend to her felt way better than being friends with those other girls. I introduced Emma to some friends I'd already had when she told me she just moved from Ohio. She introduced all of us to Sara, who also just moved from Ohio. So the five of us kind of stuck together for seventh grade and I can honestly say it was one of the best years of my entire academic life. Emma and I hung out all the time. We had sleepovers and watched horror movies like the Grudges but also watched chick flicks like She's the Man and John Tucker Must Die.
Truthfully, Emma and I never stopped being friends. We were put into separate sections in eighth grade and slowly grew apart as we made new friends. She decided to hang out with a crowd of people who were pretty much the entire opposite of me. I missed her and I missed having someone close but that was part of life. At the end of eighth grade, her mom was tired of her misbehavior and she pulled her out of school and moved the family back to Ohio, cutting Emma off from our town in the mean time. That was hard but it got to the point where it was a fun surprise getting an email from Emma and it was like having a virtual pen pal when I wrote her messages about my life and read messages about hers. Nowadays, we're friends on Facebook and she and I would have never kept our friendship thriving had she stayed in this town. I'm more traditional and old school and she's picking up new trends like piercing her septum and going to school for art. She's happy though, and I applaud her for that. I miss the confidence she used to instill in me.
Losing Emma was hard. Sara and I became really good friends in eighth grade but it wasn't the same because Sara wasn't someone I wanted to hang out with outside of school. In ninth grade, I became closer friends with Caitlin and Emily from seventh grade and even met some of the friends they'd made in eighth grade. My next best friend was someone I'd met during softball in middle school that I had homeroom with in ninth grade. We were comparing schedules on the first day and realized we had tons of classes together so we grew pretty close. Her name was Victoria and we were a pretty great team. She had the answers I didn't and I had the answers she didn't. She pushed me to be the best I could possibly be and I taught her to relax sometimes. We were at each other's houses all the time and I don't think an hour went by that we weren't communicating somehow. She and I were best friends all through ninth grade and tenth grade, despite her disapproval of my first boyfriend. There were other fake best friends between tenth and eleventh grade but Victoria and I were the ultimate best friends. We even went to homecoming together in eleventh grade. What happened, you might ask? It started with a major disapproval for my second boyfriend and everything just kind of snowballed until we just blew up one day and stopped being friends. In her absence, I mostly depended on my then-boyfriend for friendship and he loved the attention.
During my senior year, I became best friends with a freshman who was excited about high school and we blended so well because we were so much alike. On the first day, she needed somewhere to sit so I told her she could sit with me and my friends. She blended in well and she and I became so close we would spend entire weekends together and I actually used her shower.
One day, I was partnered with this girl in woodshop I'd never met before. At first, she was kind of quiet and that wasn't really my style so I asked her a bunch of questions until I found something we could talk about. Her name was Emma and after that first day, we were the absolute best of friends. I'll always remember that friendship because of what happened the day after I first met Emma. I walked into homeroom and some popular girls were laughing about something. I sat down next to one and asked them what was going on and they told me. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just remember they were making fun of Emma. At that moment, I was faced with a tough decision because middle school is the peak of life when popularity matters the most. Up until then, I was pretty good friends with the popular girls and I knew I could make fun of Emma with them and be in the in-crowd for the rest of my grade school career. Instead, I got up from the desk I was sitting in and walked over to sit down next to Emma, ignoring the popular girls. I knew it would ruin my repuation but I liked talking to Emma and being a friend to her felt way better than being friends with those other girls. I introduced Emma to some friends I'd already had when she told me she just moved from Ohio. She introduced all of us to Sara, who also just moved from Ohio. So the five of us kind of stuck together for seventh grade and I can honestly say it was one of the best years of my entire academic life. Emma and I hung out all the time. We had sleepovers and watched horror movies like the Grudges but also watched chick flicks like She's the Man and John Tucker Must Die.
Truthfully, Emma and I never stopped being friends. We were put into separate sections in eighth grade and slowly grew apart as we made new friends. She decided to hang out with a crowd of people who were pretty much the entire opposite of me. I missed her and I missed having someone close but that was part of life. At the end of eighth grade, her mom was tired of her misbehavior and she pulled her out of school and moved the family back to Ohio, cutting Emma off from our town in the mean time. That was hard but it got to the point where it was a fun surprise getting an email from Emma and it was like having a virtual pen pal when I wrote her messages about my life and read messages about hers. Nowadays, we're friends on Facebook and she and I would have never kept our friendship thriving had she stayed in this town. I'm more traditional and old school and she's picking up new trends like piercing her septum and going to school for art. She's happy though, and I applaud her for that. I miss the confidence she used to instill in me.
Losing Emma was hard. Sara and I became really good friends in eighth grade but it wasn't the same because Sara wasn't someone I wanted to hang out with outside of school. In ninth grade, I became closer friends with Caitlin and Emily from seventh grade and even met some of the friends they'd made in eighth grade. My next best friend was someone I'd met during softball in middle school that I had homeroom with in ninth grade. We were comparing schedules on the first day and realized we had tons of classes together so we grew pretty close. Her name was Victoria and we were a pretty great team. She had the answers I didn't and I had the answers she didn't. She pushed me to be the best I could possibly be and I taught her to relax sometimes. We were at each other's houses all the time and I don't think an hour went by that we weren't communicating somehow. She and I were best friends all through ninth grade and tenth grade, despite her disapproval of my first boyfriend. There were other fake best friends between tenth and eleventh grade but Victoria and I were the ultimate best friends. We even went to homecoming together in eleventh grade. What happened, you might ask? It started with a major disapproval for my second boyfriend and everything just kind of snowballed until we just blew up one day and stopped being friends. In her absence, I mostly depended on my then-boyfriend for friendship and he loved the attention.
During my senior year, I became best friends with a freshman who was excited about high school and we blended so well because we were so much alike. On the first day, she needed somewhere to sit so I told her she could sit with me and my friends. She blended in well and she and I became so close we would spend entire weekends together and I actually used her shower.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Two Years Later
Two years ago, in a long white gown and matching cap, I walked across a stage with two hundred other young adults, signaling the end of our mandatory academic career. Some were enlisting, some were going off to college, and some knew they were just simlpy entering the work force. I, myself, was undecided. That's right, I was one of the losers who had no idea what life after high school entailed. During my entire high school career, I thought I would go to college. Though my exact education path was never fully decided, furthering my education at least, was. For some reason, though, when push came to shove, I was undecided. I graduated high school with plans to continue my minimum wage career at the Kmart. That's not even mediocre. That's below average. That's a D on my life's report card.
To be clear, I didn't intend to stay at Kmar for the rest of my life. Full time opportunities were few and far betwen, if they came along at all, and the word 'raise' at Kmart was like the name 'Voldemort' at Hogwarts. I remember feeling so low about myself as my peers all seemed so put together and ready for the future while I had no idea what my next step might be. My future looked like minimum wage, holiday hours, a car older than me, and spending my weekdays off lounging around with my boyfriend doing nothing. My friends had higher expectactions for themselves than I of myself. They had a purpose, a plan. And I was just letting my life go with the flow. Suffice to say, I felt like a failure.
Fast forward two years later and you'll see a completely new person (and not just because a double chin disguises me). I have an actual career, a 401K, a 2.5 karat ring on my left hand, and realtor.com in my browsing history. I'm twenty years old and I've begun to spread my wings and fly. I don't feel like a failure. For once in my life, I feel like I have everything pretty much together. I have medical benefits, a car I put the miles on, a fiance, and somewhat of a plan. Some of my classmates' plans have fallen through. Some have made terrible life decisions. And others aren't even alive anymore.
Growing up is real. It isn't for the faint of heart and anyone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses won't survive. You have to make every decision with every duck in a row. You have to prepare for anything and everything.
To be clear, I didn't intend to stay at Kmar for the rest of my life. Full time opportunities were few and far betwen, if they came along at all, and the word 'raise' at Kmart was like the name 'Voldemort' at Hogwarts. I remember feeling so low about myself as my peers all seemed so put together and ready for the future while I had no idea what my next step might be. My future looked like minimum wage, holiday hours, a car older than me, and spending my weekdays off lounging around with my boyfriend doing nothing. My friends had higher expectactions for themselves than I of myself. They had a purpose, a plan. And I was just letting my life go with the flow. Suffice to say, I felt like a failure.
Fast forward two years later and you'll see a completely new person (and not just because a double chin disguises me). I have an actual career, a 401K, a 2.5 karat ring on my left hand, and realtor.com in my browsing history. I'm twenty years old and I've begun to spread my wings and fly. I don't feel like a failure. For once in my life, I feel like I have everything pretty much together. I have medical benefits, a car I put the miles on, a fiance, and somewhat of a plan. Some of my classmates' plans have fallen through. Some have made terrible life decisions. And others aren't even alive anymore.
Growing up is real. It isn't for the faint of heart and anyone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses won't survive. You have to make every decision with every duck in a row. You have to prepare for anything and everything.
To A Girl: You don't need him
I can understand the spinning in your head. I can understand the confusion. He's no good for you but you still can't get him out of your mind. Want to know a secret? You don't need him.
The only reason he's still living rent-free in the depths of your dreams and the heights of your emotions is because you're letting him. There's something he provides for you that you're afraid you won't find somewhere else. The truth is, you can give it to yourself.
I bet he makes you feel beautiful.
I bet he makes you feel wanted.
I bet he makes you feel attractive.
I bet he makes you feel smart.
I bet he makes you feel irreplaceable.
And you are.
He wiggled his way into your subconsious by pushing your guard down. He told you things he knew you wanted to hear and you believed him. Now he's gone and you're trying to squeeze him into your life any way possible just so you can feel the things he makes you feel. You can't let him go because you're afraid your self worth will go with him. Well, let me tell you something. If your self-worth depends on someone else it's worthless.
Look in the mirror and actually see yourself. Don't wrinkle your nose at what you see, don't pick yourself apart. Tell yourself all the things you need to hear.
You are beautiful.
You are wanted.
You are attractive.
You are smart.
And you are irreplaceable.
You believed all those things when he said them to you because he repeated them and made sure you knew it. Take a look in the mirror every single day. Grap a dry-erase marker (or a Sharpie if you're feeling bold) and write those things on your mirror to see every morning and every night.
Stop staying in all the time. Go out and have a good time and you'll feel better instantly. Quit trapping yourself in this emotional prison because, quite honestly, you're the warden. Let yourself free. You don't need him and you definitely don't need his - or anyone else's - opinions to make you feel valuable. This world is a great place if you choose to live in it.
The only reason he's still living rent-free in the depths of your dreams and the heights of your emotions is because you're letting him. There's something he provides for you that you're afraid you won't find somewhere else. The truth is, you can give it to yourself.
I bet he makes you feel beautiful.
I bet he makes you feel wanted.
I bet he makes you feel attractive.
I bet he makes you feel smart.
I bet he makes you feel irreplaceable.
And you are.
He wiggled his way into your subconsious by pushing your guard down. He told you things he knew you wanted to hear and you believed him. Now he's gone and you're trying to squeeze him into your life any way possible just so you can feel the things he makes you feel. You can't let him go because you're afraid your self worth will go with him. Well, let me tell you something. If your self-worth depends on someone else it's worthless.
Look in the mirror and actually see yourself. Don't wrinkle your nose at what you see, don't pick yourself apart. Tell yourself all the things you need to hear.
You are beautiful.
You are wanted.
You are attractive.
You are smart.
And you are irreplaceable.
You believed all those things when he said them to you because he repeated them and made sure you knew it. Take a look in the mirror every single day. Grap a dry-erase marker (or a Sharpie if you're feeling bold) and write those things on your mirror to see every morning and every night.
Stop staying in all the time. Go out and have a good time and you'll feel better instantly. Quit trapping yourself in this emotional prison because, quite honestly, you're the warden. Let yourself free. You don't need him and you definitely don't need his - or anyone else's - opinions to make you feel valuable. This world is a great place if you choose to live in it.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Untitled
I bet you've heard of me. Everyone else has around this stupid town has. Well, I don't care too much because in just two days, I'm out of here. Well, for the most part. These past four years in high school have been so rough and I'm ready for them to be over. At this point, if college really is just the sequel, it's definitely not a place I want to be. For a hundred and eighty days each year for for years - that's seven hundred-twenty days! - I've dragged myself out of bed, walked through the halls, attended my classes and passed every single one with as 90% or higher. I've done my job and now it's finally time for me to move on. Right after our graduation ceremony, I was out the doors and I haven't looked back. There was no one I went to school with I cared to take pictues with, no teachers I wanted to say goodbye to, and no memories I wanted to reminisce on. I came right home and watched movies and fell asleep around two in the morning.
The first day of summer was seriously the best feeling in the world. I didn't have to get up early and force myself to go to that awful place. In fact, I never have to go back there again! It's great! For a week, I got to enjoy my last official summer vacation and I still have two days left! You might ask what happens next. Well, some of my peers are going of to college, some are entering the work force or military. I am doing something completely different. When I was in eleventh grade, I got word that my dad's distant great aunt Lolly had died. Truth be told, I'd never met the woman in all my sixteen years but yet I was the heir to everything she owned. Crazy, right?
I was in my room after school one evening, working on a project for school, and the doorbell rang. We were all kind of surprised because we never get visitors we aren't expecting. Even when we are expecting them, they use the back door. I thought it might just be someone peddling something but then I heard my mom come up the stairs and knock on my bedroom door. She said there was a lawyer in the living room asking for me. Her face was just as confused as my mind but I put down my markers and walked downstairs anyways. His name was Jackson Henry and his suit looked like it costed more than my car. The watch on his right wrist looked like my parent's retirement accounts couldn't even pay for it. Honestly, I thought our family was getting scammed until Mr. Henry laid a family tree out on our dining room table.
"Emily, at the bottom of this family tree is you. You were the end of my research. It took my a few months to track you down but I found you."
I looked down at the diagram and saw my parents' names above mine and then my dad's parents above his but the other names were unfamiliar. Dad leaned over and took a look but even he looked to the lawyer with questions. Mr. Henry removed his jacket and laid it over the back of one of our dining room chairs. I remember wondering if he considered us peasants. He cleared his throat and started to explain but I really wasn't listening. It sounded like I would just inherit someone's junk they thought was important all their life.
"Looking at the chart here, this is where I started," he said, pointing to the top where it said 'Lolly Farmer'.
Her birth year and death year were written under her name. If this guy wasn't wrong, Lolly had been a hundred and one when she'd died. The lawyer explained his way down the diagram and, basically, Lolly's husband had died when she was in her eighties and she never had any children but she wanted all of her possessions to stay within the family and the blood line just like they had when they'd gotten to her. Farmer is the family that Lolly had married into. Her maiden name, Royer, is my dad's side of the family. In fact, Lolly was my dad's great aunt.
"Lolly refused to name an heir at the time her will was written because there wasn't anyon to fulfill it twenty years ago. She wanted all her possessions to go to the next female of both the blood line and the family name. With your dad being an only child and his uncle being killed in World War II, no one fit the bill until you."
"When did she... you know... pass?"
"It was about three and a half months ago. I had to do some digging to find out where her family ties led to. No one around Forrestor knew. Which was practically crazy because everyone in that small little town is supposed to know everything about everyone. But, my research paid off because here you are!"
"So... what do I do now?"
"Technically... notthing. At least, not right now.
The first day of summer was seriously the best feeling in the world. I didn't have to get up early and force myself to go to that awful place. In fact, I never have to go back there again! It's great! For a week, I got to enjoy my last official summer vacation and I still have two days left! You might ask what happens next. Well, some of my peers are going of to college, some are entering the work force or military. I am doing something completely different. When I was in eleventh grade, I got word that my dad's distant great aunt Lolly had died. Truth be told, I'd never met the woman in all my sixteen years but yet I was the heir to everything she owned. Crazy, right?
I was in my room after school one evening, working on a project for school, and the doorbell rang. We were all kind of surprised because we never get visitors we aren't expecting. Even when we are expecting them, they use the back door. I thought it might just be someone peddling something but then I heard my mom come up the stairs and knock on my bedroom door. She said there was a lawyer in the living room asking for me. Her face was just as confused as my mind but I put down my markers and walked downstairs anyways. His name was Jackson Henry and his suit looked like it costed more than my car. The watch on his right wrist looked like my parent's retirement accounts couldn't even pay for it. Honestly, I thought our family was getting scammed until Mr. Henry laid a family tree out on our dining room table.
"Emily, at the bottom of this family tree is you. You were the end of my research. It took my a few months to track you down but I found you."
I looked down at the diagram and saw my parents' names above mine and then my dad's parents above his but the other names were unfamiliar. Dad leaned over and took a look but even he looked to the lawyer with questions. Mr. Henry removed his jacket and laid it over the back of one of our dining room chairs. I remember wondering if he considered us peasants. He cleared his throat and started to explain but I really wasn't listening. It sounded like I would just inherit someone's junk they thought was important all their life.
"Looking at the chart here, this is where I started," he said, pointing to the top where it said 'Lolly Farmer'.
Her birth year and death year were written under her name. If this guy wasn't wrong, Lolly had been a hundred and one when she'd died. The lawyer explained his way down the diagram and, basically, Lolly's husband had died when she was in her eighties and she never had any children but she wanted all of her possessions to stay within the family and the blood line just like they had when they'd gotten to her. Farmer is the family that Lolly had married into. Her maiden name, Royer, is my dad's side of the family. In fact, Lolly was my dad's great aunt.
"Lolly refused to name an heir at the time her will was written because there wasn't anyon to fulfill it twenty years ago. She wanted all her possessions to go to the next female of both the blood line and the family name. With your dad being an only child and his uncle being killed in World War II, no one fit the bill until you."
"When did she... you know... pass?"
"It was about three and a half months ago. I had to do some digging to find out where her family ties led to. No one around Forrestor knew. Which was practically crazy because everyone in that small little town is supposed to know everything about everyone. But, my research paid off because here you are!"
"So... what do I do now?"
"Technically... notthing. At least, not right now.
To My Ex-Boyfriend:
You know what's effed up?
We've been broken up for nearly two and a half years and you're still as heavy on my mind as you were on day one.
Countless times, I've deleted your number and blocked you on Facebook. Every little reminder possible around my room has been burned or thrown out. The written records I kept of our relationship have been stored away in a box on the stop shelf in my closet. They're my most personal and private journals and I wrote them to keep them all my life but I'm considering burning them, too, if this mental jail you have me in doesn't release me soon.
When I fall asleep at night, you haunt me in my dreams. When I sit down to write, you follow me in my words. When my boyfriend and I have a fight, I know it's your influence over my heart at the root of it. I know for an absolute fact that I would be with you if I wanted to be with you. I'm happy with someone new, maybe even happier. So why are you still here? Why are you clouding my subconscious?
You know what's effed up?
I've run out of ideas to get you out of my mind, in person and in spirit...
And, yet, you're still here.
We've been broken up for nearly two and a half years and you're still as heavy on my mind as you were on day one.
Countless times, I've deleted your number and blocked you on Facebook. Every little reminder possible around my room has been burned or thrown out. The written records I kept of our relationship have been stored away in a box on the stop shelf in my closet. They're my most personal and private journals and I wrote them to keep them all my life but I'm considering burning them, too, if this mental jail you have me in doesn't release me soon.
When I fall asleep at night, you haunt me in my dreams. When I sit down to write, you follow me in my words. When my boyfriend and I have a fight, I know it's your influence over my heart at the root of it. I know for an absolute fact that I would be with you if I wanted to be with you. I'm happy with someone new, maybe even happier. So why are you still here? Why are you clouding my subconscious?
You know what's effed up?
I've run out of ideas to get you out of my mind, in person and in spirit...
And, yet, you're still here.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Taking Time Off
Two years ago, I wore a long white gown with a matching cap and I walked across the same stage as two hundred of my peers after thirteen long years with some of them. Mostly, I was excited to never have to wake up for school again. I was excited to get away from teachers, homework, tests, and hall passes. I thought the freedom would be great. At the time, I had no idea what my personal freedom would look like. That's right, I graduated undecided and, now, two years later, I still am. I told everyone I would take a year off and figure out what I wanted to go to school for. I decided I would wait and save up money and then go to school. I thought I could spend my twenties growing
Monday, June 22, 2015
Yours Truly
If you’re reading this, I hope
you never have your entire life ripped out from under you. I hope you never
have to experience a broken heart, if you haven’t already. There’s only one
person I would ever wish to feel as low as I feel now and he just so happens to
be legally bound into never feeling this way unless death do them part. Today,
the love of my life is getting married… and it isn’t to me. I realize I might
seem very creepy, being parked outside the church three hours before the
wedding is set to start. If anyone recognizes me, I’m sure there’ll be trouble.
I’m not an ex-boyfriend. We were low key and I like to refer to our
togetherness as a friendship on fire because we never made it to the official
side of being in a relationship. It didn’t matter. I already knew I would love
her forever from the moment she first smiled up at me like I was the greatest
thing in her life. I’ll never forget the smile on her face. I never thought
things would make a one-hundred-eighty-degree turn. Yet, here I am, two years later,
trying to decide if I should crash this wedding, watch it happen, or go home
and forget the whole thing. My head says one thing, my heart says another, and
my friends all say something different. I’m not exactly sure which to follow
but at least I have another two and a half hours to decide.
When I was in tenth grade, I
fell in love with a girl and I’ve never been the same since. I’m not the smooth
kind of guy who can charm girls with my wit. Falling in love with Lucy was an
accident and I never planned to fall as hard as I did. I never really cared
about dating in high school. I never really understood the point, or dating in
general, really. My dad said he was the same way until he met my mom. I always
rolled my eyes when he said that, thinking he didn’t mean it but was only
saying what he thought Mom would want to here, just in case she was in ear shot
or in case she would happen to ask me for any reason. I knew exactly what he
was talking about when Lucy found my study hall one day to return some notes I’d
left in a library book. I thanked her for bringing them back and she thanked me
for leaving them behind because they apparently really helped her finish the
paper she was writing. I’ll never forget that grateful, childlike smile she
gave me as she sat the scribbled notes on my desk. She looked at her shoes and
I could tell it was my turn to say something interesting and wow her before she
walked away. I’d never seen her before and with a school as big as ours, I
probably wouldn’t see her again if I didn’t have an excuse. Unfortunately for
me, my brain didn’t work fast enough and she politely excused herself before I
could say another word. I was kicking myself for two weeks after that. The only
reason I eventually stopped was because we switched classes due to the start of
our spring semester. By some work of fate, I walked into half my classes and
she was already sitting there, usually a seat in front or behind me because our
last names were so close alphabetically. I like to believe it wasn’t just my
imagination when she saw me the first time that day and her eyes lit up. When
it came time to partner up on things, we usually made eye contact and worked
together, pretty well, I might add. Even in the classes we had with my friends,
I still always worked with her. Sure they made fun of me for it but I didn’t
care. It wasn’t until junior year that I actually admitted that I had feelings
for her. I’m sure they already knew but I didn’t want to say it out loud, for
fear that she didn’t feel the same way. I could assume whatever I wanted from
her body language and think they were signals of some sort of attraction but
there was always the embarrassing chance that I could be wrong.
The warm summer sun is making my car feel cramped and more uncomfortable than the self-made tension surrounding
my thoughts. The cold air coming from my vents feels great but I can
practically see the gas tank needle receding. I should care but I don’t. I
glance at the passenger seat next to me and eye up the newspaper clipping that’s
been sitting there for a month or two. The couple smiling in the picture seems
like two strangers I’ve never met before. Just the names catch my attention. In
black in white, seeing her name was what caught my attention in the first
place. Otherwise I might’ve never known. I might not be sitting in this mostly
empty church parking lot, trying to decide my fate.
Looking back, I can always remember that one exact moment when I knew I would marry her one day. This moment is different than the moment I knew I would always love her because at this point, I knew she felt the same way and we would be happy together. We were at a football game during our senior year and she kept shivering but insisted she wasn't cold. It's so cliche, you know? The girl takes the guy's sweatshirt and BAM! instant romantic comedy, right? I think that's exactly why Lucy wouldn't admit she was cold around everyone because they would probably get sappy and our friends have a habit of blowing things out of proportion. At the end of the game, it was after 10:30 and she was ready to leave and I saw her walk through the parking lot toward the exit. I realized she had walked to the game and was about to walk home. I was taking a big leap of faith when I ran after her. I liked her and made it obvious. I was pretty sure she liked me and so was everyone else. The major roadblock is the fact that she never really verbalized it. There were times when we acted like a couple and then there were times when she acted distant. So, when I shouted her name and she waited for me to catch up to her, standing in the cold September wind, her breaths appearing in front of her face, goosebumps on her arms, I could tell I wanted to marry her. Despite the fact that standing still was probably the worst thing anyone could do with the bitter winds blowing through our town that night. Yet, she heard my voice and stopped to wait and see what I wanted. Without asking, I took off my jacket and threw it over her shoulders. She didn't say anything, just smiled up at me and her eyes gave me the thanks her lips couldn't say. She walked to my car and I felt daring enough to slip an arm around her shoulder. She didn't shrug it off or get stiff with discomfort. She seemed pretty at-home under my arm and she looked at-home sitting in my passenger seat. I walked her to the door that night and thought for a second there might be a kiss goodnight. When her front door shut behind her and I hadn't been kissed, I realized I was getting a little ahead of myself but was still pretty stoked about all the progress I'd felt I'd made that night. All night I just thought of the way she looked in my sweatshirt and imagined that she accidentally fell asleep wearing it.I fell asleep that night, hoping Lucy would be wearing my sweatshirts for the rest of our lives.
Looking back, I can always remember that one exact moment when I knew I would marry her one day. This moment is different than the moment I knew I would always love her because at this point, I knew she felt the same way and we would be happy together. We were at a football game during our senior year and she kept shivering but insisted she wasn't cold. It's so cliche, you know? The girl takes the guy's sweatshirt and BAM! instant romantic comedy, right? I think that's exactly why Lucy wouldn't admit she was cold around everyone because they would probably get sappy and our friends have a habit of blowing things out of proportion. At the end of the game, it was after 10:30 and she was ready to leave and I saw her walk through the parking lot toward the exit. I realized she had walked to the game and was about to walk home. I was taking a big leap of faith when I ran after her. I liked her and made it obvious. I was pretty sure she liked me and so was everyone else. The major roadblock is the fact that she never really verbalized it. There were times when we acted like a couple and then there were times when she acted distant. So, when I shouted her name and she waited for me to catch up to her, standing in the cold September wind, her breaths appearing in front of her face, goosebumps on her arms, I could tell I wanted to marry her. Despite the fact that standing still was probably the worst thing anyone could do with the bitter winds blowing through our town that night. Yet, she heard my voice and stopped to wait and see what I wanted. Without asking, I took off my jacket and threw it over her shoulders. She didn't say anything, just smiled up at me and her eyes gave me the thanks her lips couldn't say. She walked to my car and I felt daring enough to slip an arm around her shoulder. She didn't shrug it off or get stiff with discomfort. She seemed pretty at-home under my arm and she looked at-home sitting in my passenger seat. I walked her to the door that night and thought for a second there might be a kiss goodnight. When her front door shut behind her and I hadn't been kissed, I realized I was getting a little ahead of myself but was still pretty stoked about all the progress I'd felt I'd made that night. All night I just thought of the way she looked in my sweatshirt and imagined that she accidentally fell asleep wearing it.I fell asleep that night, hoping Lucy would be wearing my sweatshirts for the rest of our lives.
I texted her the next morning and waited for her response. At first, I thought maybe she was sleeping in but then morning turned to noon and it wasn't like her to sleep that late. I went to hang out with my friends to pass the time and pretty soon the night was ending and I still hadn't heard from her. I didn't her from her on Sunday either. I didn't really know what to think when I was driving to school Monday morning. I hoped I didn't upset her by moving too fast and I couldn't stop cursing myself for the moves I'd made. Before I got to school, I stopped and picked up chocolate milk, her favorite morning drink and hoped it would ease any kind of anger she might have against me. When I got into the building, the walk up the stairs took an eternity and I felt like I'd never get to my locker. When I did, there she was, waiting for me. Of course I was confused but the way her smile spread from ear to ear when she saw I was thinking of her this morning was enough to take away any fears or disappointment I'd developed over the weekend. I just guessed that she liked to keep me guessing. To this day, I still don't know what stopped her from texting me that weekend. I'm not sure she'd even remember it anymore. She might have just seen my text and then forgot to reply. I probably should have just texted her again but at the time, I probably didn't want to bother her. Who knows what I was thinking. I doubt that one weekend has anything to do with the outcome I'm trying to survive today but, chain reactions can be very powerful. All I really know for sure is that she was walking a whole lot closer to me when we left my locker and went to hers. Her whole demeanor seemed different. Since we became friends, she'd always been borderling flirty with me
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