Ex-Cruciating

Six years. That's how long it has been since I've kissed his lips. Six years. Well, almost. May will be six years. That's only three months away so I'm rounding. Forgive me. I can't remember what his kisses felt like. I can't recall the feeling of his hands on my skin. I can't even remember what his voice sounds like. No... no, actually I can. When I really focus, I can still hear the way he says my name. And I crave to hear it again. 

I could call him right now and beg him to say it. I could spend ten minutes telling him how much I miss him. I could even hop in my car, drive to his door, and knock until he opens the door for me. I'm sure he would open the door and welcome me in. Why don't I? Well...

There's a small formality. Like the fact that I'm one year into a marriage to someone else.

Yep, you read that correctly. What's my problem? I'm still trying to figure that out. The internet only shows people who are in the same boat, it doesn't offer any kind of solution.

PreNaNoWriMo -- Tomorrow!

   I seriously can't believe today is the last day of September. Tomorrow is the start of fall in the hearts of us all and there's so much to do - and so little time! Pumpkin picking, pumpkin carving

PreNaNoWriMo

     Slowly but surely, the temperature is dropping, the leaves are changing, the days are shortening, and fall is underway. It's about time. I can't wait for the day when I can leave work and walk out to my car and not sweat incessantly by the time I climb into my car. It'd be nice to not have to desperately crank the A.C. and slowly hate absolutely everything for the first five minutes while the cool takes over. I've always really liked fall, for more reasons than pumpkin spice lattes and Halloween. Mostly, it's because of the memories. In seventh grade, I discovered a guy who I thought was the most perfect human being on the planet and I spent all of September and October hung up on him. In ninth grade, I had finally arrived in life, after years and years of blending in or standing out for all the wrong reasons and I was asked to the Homecoming dance. In tenth grade, I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend and the fall months were our Honeymoon months. Junior year, the same exact thing happened, I fell in love during the fall. And then finally, senior year, I finally got my life together to focus on my future (even though it didn't last long, see Boyfriends, Babies, and Broken Heat). The fall after my senior year are where some of the best memories with my husband-to-be come from and when that time of year comes around, I can't help but be super calm and serene with the weather and the memories.
     As if I needed another reason to absolutely love fall, NaNoWriMo is in the near future. I've had some failed attempts in the past with NaNoWriMo but I am ready for 2016 to be the year that I redeem myself. The first year I'd ever even heard of it, I was sixteen and taking a creative writing class in high school. Needless to say, my nights after school were spent sitting in my car in the field behind my then-boyfriend's house - when I should've been hard at work adding to my word count. The only attempt I was making toward my 50,000 word goal was five days a week, the hour and a half of class that was allotted to us. Sadly, I finished with a measly word count of under 12,000.
     However, this is a brand new year. I invested in a brand new computer, top of the line. It was originally $1400 and I was able to only pay about $300, after discounts and gift cards. For the first time, I have a laptop that can go with me wherever I want. It fits right into my handbag and the battery life is long-lasting. I actually partly feel like the main character in a book series I used to read, named Madison Finn. I can devote an hour a day to writing during the work day, if I spend both of my fifteen minute breaks and half hour lunch plugging away. Then, I can spend endless time each evening adding to it. In order to make goal, two thousand words a day will get me there, and then some. I just need to figure out a good plot I can stick with. The other issue with NaNoWriMo of 2011, I had no idea where to go with my storyline. And I paid too close attention to little details, like class schedules and maps of the town. I think what I should be doing now until the end of October is building a story line and then filling in all the little details, like the town map and whatever else I might need. I need to be geared up to start putting words onto document on November 1st and then have the fuel to keep on going without stopping.
     Now... here comes the hardest part. I have a whole bunch of notes on my iPhone about storylines, potential events, potential plot twists, and character backgrounds. However, none of it can be tied together to be one 50,000 word best-seller. It's going to be the absolute hardest part to get everything started. However, I stumbled upon contact information for Laura Dower, the author of From the Files of Madison Finn and she does creative writing workshops. I think it'd be neat to get some of my writing friends together and have her come to town to do a workshop (depending on cost, of course). I'd love to learn from here. I'd also love to learn from Sarah Dessen. I just started reading the last book in my checklist of books that she's written. Her next one doesn't come out until summer of 2017.
     So, anyways, after practicing for NaNoWriMo today, I spent both of my fifteen minute breaks and my half hour lunch break working on a word document, not really writing anything specific, just keeping a word count up. It wasn't easy. However, I made the daily minimum word count just during those breaks. I more than made the word count, I did extra. On average, a person should type about 1,667 words a day to keep up with the 50,000 final word goal. Currently, on a document I created this morning at work, my word count is 2,108. And I haven't even touched the document in my free time. It won't be easy. I'll have to clean out my handbag because carrying all the stuff in it that I do right now is making it really heavy, so I need to get rid of things I don't need so I have enough room for my laptop. Also, it's going to mean spending all my free time at work still on a computer - which I already spend eight hours a day. I'll have to take some free time right after work and take walks outside just to get some fresh air. That's really important to the creative writing process. And, just to see if I can do it, just to make sure I've had enough practice, I'm having my own PreNaNoWriMo. That's right. The month of October belongs to me.

End of September

     The sun had gone down at least an hour before and walking along the side of the road was both creepy and serene. After being on the worst date of my life, some serial killer jumping out of the woods at me really wouldn't be much of a surprise. After all, I really wasn't expecting the cute guy from the auto parts store to be such a weirdo. How weird, you might ask? Well, at the very end of the night, I jumped out of his truck while he was sitting at the last stop sign closest to my dad's campsite so he wouldn't know where I actually am. Well, the dating life didn't last long.
     The gravel under my flip flops crunches with each step. Passing under a street light, I look down at my outfit. Destroyed jeans cuffed into capris and my favorite old t-shirt with a Corona logo on the front, stretched and hanging off one shoulder. I'd spent so much time applying and touching up my makeup that I didn't have time to worry about my hair or outfit. I run a hand through my hair, my thick blonde waves stretching down my back, and give it a flip, exposing my bare shoulder. Up ahead, I can start to see lights and hear music, indicating I'm getting close to the campground. I debate whether or not to put in my headphones and play some music to take away some of the creepiness of walking along the tree line in the dark. Before I can come up with a solution, I hear a golf cart coming closer and realize I'm near one of the lanes up to camp sites. I slow down, unsure where the lane will meet the road and before long, a golf cart appears with another one close behind it. No doubt it's probably a family on their way over to the recreational area, where something is always happening on Saturday nights. Their lights nearly blind me as I come to a stop and wait for them to cross the road. I recognize one of the voices and then I'm thankful it's dark out so no one will see me blush. I partially hope it's dark enough that he doesn't recognize who I am so I have less chance of being so nervous I stutter sound like an idiot. Of course I don't take into account how weird it must be that a girl is walking along the road after dark until the whole family looks at me strange. His mom, sitting on the first cart with his dad, is the first to speak.
     "Honey, are you okay? You shouldn't be walking after dark by yourself." Her concern is so genuine.
     "I'm okay, thanks for asking, I'm actually almost to my dad's site."
     I try to disguise my voice so he doesn't know it's me but as soon as I speak, I see his head turn. However, his dad speaks first.
     "You're John's girl, aren't you? He's probably over at the cornhole tournament, which is where we're heading. Would you like a ride?"
     "I really appreciate the offer but I think I'm just going to walk. It's such a nice night out."
     I wait for them to take off and leave me behind. His mom and dad both glance back toward him and he nods. Something tells me they aren't just going to let me go. He turns around and faces the front of the golf cart he's riding in. I brace myself for his voice and get myself ready to sound somewhat intelligent when I'm expected to reply.
     "So why are you out here on this side of the sites so late, anyway?"
     "Oh... well... it's kind of a long story."
     He jumps off the back of his brother's cart and walks over to me. In the moonlight, I can make out his striking facial features, the ones that made me head over heels at the first sight of him.
     "You guys go ahead," he says to his family and then turns back to me, "I'll walk with you and you can tell me this long story. I'm curious."
     His dad gives me a wave and then they cross the road over to the cart path that leads to the courts where the tournament is being held under bright lights and thick tension. I wave back as they're too far away to be seen in the dark. I cross the road after them, deciding the cart path would be safer than the road. A few steps later, it all begins.
     "So, you just take eerie walks for exercise?" he asks.
     "Well... not quite. I'm actually just back from one of the worst date of my life. And, trust me, that's saying something."
     He nods his head, considering my words. Lights from a nearby site illuminate us and I can feel the redness creeping into my cheeks as he looks down at me. I tell myself not to look at him because I always have the worst time making myself look away because he's just so gorgeous. Nearby, some kids are trying to catch lightning bugs in mason jars.
     "How bad was it?" he asks, "The date, that is."
     "Oh... it was... something. Let me just say, though, it ended with him stopping at a stop sign and me jumping out of his truck and walking the rest of the way so he wouldn't know where to find me in the future."
     "It couldn't have been that bad. I mean, you thought he was okay enough to go out with in the first place, right?"
     "Well, I agreed because he was so nice when I went into Auto Zone to get my car battery tested. He filled me in on how to take care of my battery and common things people do that hurt their batteries. I thought he was smart and sweet. Little did I know it's because no female creatures ever talk to him on purpose. Ever. Which is why he wanted to get married and name our first daughter after his mother."
      "Whoa what? Are you serious?" Luke laughs.
     "I couldn't make this up if I tried."
     "Wait, so where did you go? Were you like sitting in a booth, eating dinner, and he just springs all that on you?"
     "Not even. We went to some night swim at one of the local pools in the area. I'll be honest, it was kind of nice and relaxing at first. We got to watch the sunset and we were just floating on inner tubes, half in the water and half out. The conversation was light, mostly just an unspoken game of twenty questions. It was a really great date at first. I was starting to think maybe dating wasn't such a bad thing. But then the sun had set and we were floating in the dark with just the lights from the pool and snack bar. I guess that's when he turned into a freak and started to talk about me and getting serious."
     By now, the cheers from the cornhole tournament sound close and I know we're almost there. I don't want this walk to end. For two years, I've had the biggest crush on Luke but I only ever get to see him over the summers when the campground is open. Even then, I have to struggle through the work week, counting down the minutes until the weekend until I can head up to the campground just to ride around in the golf cart, hoping to casually bump into him.
     "So... What happened with you and Wes? Last I heard, you two were engaged and waiting to get married. Now all the sudden you're going out on dates with lonely mechanics?"
     I look down at my feet and take a deep breath. I've explained the cover story to anyone who ever asked. It's been three months and the only time I've ever told the truth is when I wrote it in my journal as it happened. It's just that I never wanted anyone to know what actually happened because I didn't want people to hate Wes. While I could one day forgive him and potentially rekindle our relationship, my friends and family wouldn't be so quick to forget. I've just been sticking to the story that we mutually need to take some time apart to work on ourselves and see where life leads us. I don't know what Wes has been telling people but I advised him what I would be saying. He said I didn't have to lie and cover for him. Well, at the time, my love was still burning strong for him and I'd held his best interest near and dear to my heart. Now, though, that fire has long since gone out and I'm angry. Bitter and angry, to be more specific.

Boy Crazy Chronicles: Grade Nine

   Even though I was just here two weeks ago with my family, this huge building feels brand new and completely different. It is, partially. Just in the knick of time, construction was finished a week ago for the brand new building. My class is the first Freshman class to enjoy the complete remodel on the age-old high school. Well, the high school isn't the only thing new and improved. That's right. Old caterpillar me has finally broken out of the cocoon and ninth grade Blair Thompson is ready for her life to begin. The summer after eighth grade was seriously so good to me. I finally discovered the Health and Beauty Aids aisles and online videos explaining how to use all that stuff. No longer do I clothe myself with men's t-shirts and sweatshirts just for comfort and gone are the days where I'm mistaken for a tom boy (or any other personality differentiations...) all because aesthetics is a lesson not yet learned. Yep, let me tell you, when I walked in for orientation in the beginning of the month, people noticed me, really noticed me. I didn't blend in with the crowd and move to the back of people's minds. I'm ready to start this new year with a splash. Things are finally going to be different for me!
    
   With the help of the new maps sitting in a table in the main lobby, I finally find my homeroom just as the first bell rings. Each desktop contains a packet of papers with our names on the very top. As I find my name, I glance around at some of the other names in my homeroom. For the most part, the local newspaper printed the class roster halfway through the summer. Everyone knows, however, there are last minute additions and subtractions for whatever reason. Besides, new year, new school, new building, new me - wouldn't a new student/new best friend be an excellent cherry on top? Someone who has no idea what I used to look like would be a great breath of fresh air right now. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great, and have been great since elementary school. It's just... it's time to find new ones. I'm changing and they're staying the same. I'm outgrowing them and it's time I find a new circle with the same interests as me.

The So-Called Real World

Let me tell you, I never thought I'd make it this far. Don't get me wrong, I never thought I'd take my own life or anything of that sort... But when it came to growing up, I'd never really given much thought to what I might want to do with my life. It's funny because I say that to some adults and they laugh and say they're forty-something and they still don't know what to do with their lives. Well, while they might think they're comforting me, I actually get more concern than comfort from their words. I mean, I only get one shot to this 'life' thing. Why, on earth, would I want to waste it?

So, what do I want to do with my life?

That's such a loaded question but, at the same time, not. I know the answer. I'm just too insecure, under educated, and non-committal to actually pursue my dreams. I'm also too scared and I've been scoffed at so many times that I'm actually scoffing at myself. The truth is: I'm a writer. That's what I love to do. I love to tell a story, fiction or non, in words I loop together in my own fashion. I've known since at least the third grade that writing is my passion. So why the heck am I twenty-one and investigating credit card fraud for forty hours a week? How did I get stuck? Why was I never motivated to go to college and make something of my life? Honestly, I wish I knew. More importantly, considering I can't change the past, I really wish I knew where to go from here.

I'm three years out of high school, not even an attempt at a degree, no completed drafts or even promising story lines, and at least two dozen documents on my laptop proving many failed attempts. Do I write something the whole way through first? Do I get a degree? Do I look into publications? Do I change nothing and keep at my current pointless path? I just don't know. I don't really know anything. Well, I know one thing for sure, and that is that my biological clock is ticking away and I've already wasted three years I could've spent preparing for a family.

Mediocrity. My life has been twenty one years of mediocrity. So now, here's the real question...

How do you break a cycle of mediocrity?

This is My Confession

   Today's the day I face facts. After all, you can't fix a problem you won't admit to. Ignoring accelerated geometry in tenth grade never really made it go away, ya know? Anyways, this isn't a story about an addiction or a crime. This is me confessing my insanity. I know, I know. Stick with me here.
     Nowadays, there's a huge focus on mental disorders in society. In some instances, the focus is good. For instance, children with learning disabilities aren't just stamped 'Stupid' on their forehead and sent through the rest of their life feeling as though they're missing something everyone else has. Rather, they're given special classrooms and teachers, and even sometimes their own special set of rules. In most places, however, the focus on mental disorders is bad, very, very bad. There's a stigma around people who admit to having them, there's people who lie about having them just so they can get attention... And then there's people like me, assuming there are more out there like myself, who live each and every single day trapped in a box they can't find their way out of because being crazy just wasn't on their bucket list.
     Anxiety is one of the disorders I've come to hate. It's so broad and practically anyone can claim to have it and then all the sudden, they're excused from being a respectful, respectable human being. I know someone who takes anxiety medication at fifteen and then uses that as an excuse to act out and make bad choices, all the while her parents just baby her. I know someone else who uses their anxiety as a means to make them look vulnerable and gain attention. Every single time I see her update a status about her 'anxiety', I want to throw my phone out a window. Someone else I know claims to have anxiety so bad she can't even go into a Wal-Mart sometimes. The same person uploads selfies on facebook, duck-face and all, and posts statuses about something-or-other-is-better-than-yours. You have anxiety? Really? But, I digress.
     The reason I've called you here today is to confess my own insanity. No worries, I didn't murder someone and, if I did, I wouldn't plead insane because I don't want to actually admit (verbally) that I am crazy. One day, in order to live a normal life, I'll have to say it out loud to Someone M.D. but until then, I'll let my fingers and keyboard do the talking. I guess the hart part is... getting started.
     I guess the best way to explain my life is to break it down to each mental disorder I think I have. The list isn't too terribly long but I still have a few more googles to do before I feel one hundred percent comfortable with what's going on in this noodle of mine. I guess the most prominent one is paranoia. When I say most prominent, I mean this is the one that affects me most of the time and it's honestly the one I'm most comfortable explaining - which I'll glady explain after I list. The other one is bipolar disorder. Then comes depression